Crazy in the Little Things

Last night I awoke to find our bed half empty. (I was in it, Mr. M was not.)

In his place was a long, body-shaped lump of pillows. It literally looked like when kids stuff their beds so their parents don't know they have snuck out. Mr. M had vacated to the couch some time in the evening - or maybe never even came to bed at all?

He says he got up in the middle of the night for a snack (I never remember him coming to bed in the first place - doesn't mean it didn't happen).

He laid down for a few and felt so comfortable he fell asleep and stayed there.

I want to paint a balanced picture, so I will say that, recovering from his rotator cuff surgery is brutal stuff. He is still uncomfortable a LOT of the time. Finding comfortable sleep is elusive.

Also, about 18 months ago, he has gnarly spine surgery... he was good for about 6 months and then has gotten in more and more pain. Currently, his back hurts and his leg is going numb.

The pillows in the bed - which are like a third person in the bed! - support his arma and leg and are an ATTEMPT to keep him more comfortable.

MY angst in this though is will our lives ever be "normal"? (Whatever "normal" is.)

I wake up and my husband is not in bed - is that normal?

I go to bed around 11:30PM. Mr. M comes to bed anywhere from 1:30AM to 3:00AM, if at all.

I usually get up from 7:00-8:15AM. Mr. M wakes up at 10AM - 11AM every day (he schedules his work so he can do this). - In his defense, he is a SUPER hard worker when he is sober... he works his butt off then comes home and cleans and does repairs and yard work etc. I am MUCH "lazier" than he is.

It is anxiety producing that he doesn't have a schedule and that it is so opposite mine and that I will wake up and he is not in bed - is he drinking? Doing cocaine? Or is he just legitimately in pain and looking for some confort?

Maybe a large percentage of the time it is something benign... but just often enough, it is life shattering, so I have lower and lower tolerance for this "crazy".

I am having a tough time even in the little things. I am not loving living with Mr. M. And I am sure he is not loving living with me.

We are crazy even in the little things...

Holidays in the M Home

Holidays in the M Home often bring out the worst in Mr M's and my relationship.

I think I have expectations of success.

I think Mr. M has expectations of failure.

The two clash - Almost. Every.Time.

I want to not fight and get along and enjoy each other and celebrate.

I think Mr. M thinks that I have much grander expectations of the BESTHOLIDAYEVER and, feeling sure he will not live up, GIVES up early and completely.

I also think he is a tad lazy when it comes to family and events and holidays... like they should just "happen" with no work or planning. (He is SOOOO the opposite of lazy when it comes to cleaning and work. He is the Energizer Bunny with OCD!) But when it comes to the "woman's domain" of family, he is lazy.

He wants to wake up and SEE what he feels like doing. No grocery shopping having been done. No campsite having been reserved. No adult kids' schedules having been booked. (He would like to just in military fashion bellow "cancel all your plans. I have decided what I want to do now, at 11:30AM as I have just woken up and joined the land of the living.")

Meanwhile - having consulted him - I have planned a menu and shopped and calendared the kids and contacted friends and RSVP's and he MIGHT choose to wake up - whenever he darn well pleases - and pull the plug on that and say "I'm not in the mood to go to the party you RSVP's to last week, even though you asked me and I said ok".

*sigh*

Our friends R&S just called to see if we were still on for this evening (the 4th of July) because they KNOW Mr. M and his ways.

To the best of my knowledge, the answer is still "yes", although it is only 10:30AM here, so who is to say what he will feel like when he wakes up.

I have recently just started telling him that I will go in my own car and he can join or not. Which is ok a lot of the time, but NOT when you are trying to do things with another couple.

More and more in my marriage, I am realizing that I am married to an adolescent.

Experts agree that when alcoholics start drinking, they stop maturing and freeze at that age until they get sober for a period of time (not dry, but actually sober, in recovery).

Mr. M started partying hard at 15.

During our 24 year marriage, I would say he has been TRULY sober (not building up to, in, or recovering from relapse) - cumulatively - maybe 10 years.

So does that make him 25ish?

He just confessed that he had injected testosterone daily a few years ago - when he was supposedly sober. He made this unilateral decision. He didn't consult with me, discuss, partner in any way. He wanted to do what he wanted to do. He did not want to hear another opinion and have to possibly honor it. He did not want to run the risk of "getting in trouble". This is how our kids acted when they were older teens and how Drummer still acts sometimes. He is 21.

I am feeling sad and super super tired.

I don't want to keep being married to someone who wants to do things alone, his way.

I want to go to a 4th of July party with friends and laugh and socialize with my adult husband there taking care of himself and enjoying himself. (Instead, he either won't come or he will be there brooding and/or punishing me.)

I don't want to be single.

But I also kind of don't want to be married to him any more... but is that better than being alone?

Friends

I just got an anonymous comment on an old post that I thought something she said was worth delving into.  She said "I have been married 20 years, and my husband has been a drunk for the past 8. The loneliness, loss of friends, financial meltdown, anxiety, and sense of rejection ...took their toll on me.  I tried to develop a circle of female friends but the ones I made ended up relocating."


I thought of friends -  same-sex friends - these are SUCH a huge part of recovery and healing and not being alone.  
I think SHAME can keep us from inviting others into our world.  I understand the embarrassment and the shame.  I understand we might want to protect our spouse from the negative opinions of others.  I used to tell myself that when he got sober and this was all "in the past", I didn't want people to judge him and not want to be friends with us.  (This was before I experienced Mr. M's recurring cycle of relapse... and that he might never actually BE sober for more than a few years here and a few years there... I deluded myself into thinking it would "end".  And hey, it still could, but it if the saying "The greatest indicator of future behavior is past behavior" is true, then it is MORE likely he will keep relapsing.)  Also, I was afraid people wouldn't want their kids to be friends with my kids or come over to our house.  I was afraid that people would judge ME since I was married to him... like we were ALL "alcoholic losers" (how I thought they would view us because so many people don't understand the disease).  AA has a saying that "You are only as sick as your secrets".  I deeply believe this and have tried to live by it for MOST of the last 24 years.  AA is an anonymous program -   Mr. M goes by his first name and last initial in the program.  Celebrities are not supposed to say they are in AA.  However, and might be a point of contention and many might disagree with me, and that's OK; I do not have to keep Mr. M's secrets.  He has abandoned us over and over again.  I have needed a lot of help over the years - financial, emotional, spiritual, physical.  If people didn't know our struggles, they wouldn't know I needed help.  I would suffer alone and so would my kids.  It has been EXTREMELY helpful to have people bring dinners for a couple weeks here and there.  One year people anonymous dropped Christmas at our doorstep (decorations, a tree, gift cards etc.).  People have done toilet paper and milk market runs for me when I was desperate.  I try to be kind and compassionate in how I present Mr. M's struggles.  I am after all still married to him and he IS my kids' dad.  I don't want to destroy him in everyone's eyes... I just try to let them in on our struggles.  I think it has been helpful to have the kids see people's love and care and compassion.
Yes, we HAVE been judged by some, I am sure.  And yes, I am sure some people probably DIDN'T let their kids come over to our house to play or spend the night.  But overall, I have mostly experienced GRACE and love from people.  Many are eager to understand the disease element and ask LOTS of good questions when I give them the chance.  (I ALWAYS point them to the Big Book of AA.)  I can't tell you how many spouses and parents and siblings and children of addicts have called me for help over the years.  Mostly, they don't love what I have to say... they want advice on how to fix their alcoholic.  (I try not to laugh!)  I always point them in the direction of Al-Anon.  Period.  They usually don't go.  That's ok.  They will when they get sick and tired of being sick and tired.


That is what I would tell anonymous; get to an al-anon meeting.  Period.  You will find life and friends in those rooms and yes, a few special people might move away, but the FELLOWSHIP can be your family and the Fellowship as a whole will not leave you.  You will begin to feel at home and "part of" in those rooms if you "keep coming back".


Friendships are invaluable. I have found SO MUCH LIFE in my friendships.  Laughter and community are life-giving.  We were not meant to suffer alone.
Mr. M keeps trying to convince me to move to the Caribbean with him.  This sounds glorious on so many levels.  But when I really think about it, I can't ever do it.  He is deluding himself by thinking if he pulls a "geographical", as the program calls it (moving to get away from yourself - never realizing that "wherever you go, there you are") things will suddenly be better.  He thinks living in a favorite vacation destination will mean he will have the peace and joy and rest he experiences on vacation, every single day of real life.  ("But Honey, you won't be on vacation... we will have to work and pay bills, and cook and clean...").  I can't leave because he is living in 'magical thinking'.  I also can't leave because I cannot leave my support system.  I cannot let him isolate me.  
Currently, I walk 3-5 miles almost every day with a friend: ML & KD on mondays, DH on tuesdays, DP on wednesdays, JD on thursdays, SA on fridays, KB on the weekends occasionally.  These are not mindless chatting walks... these are wonderful, high-caliber friends who are honest and real and full of love and wisdom.  Most of them have been through deep personal struggles from a cheating husband to a child getting assaulted to children struggling with mental illness etc.  Two of them are therapists (getting their masters and hours in mid-life).  All are great listeners and honest share-ers.
I am in a Bible study group 1x a week with earnest, loving, honest women.
I am in a "whole hearted" group 1x a month with another group of women; pastors' wives, therapists, authors, speakers - all of whom have known DEEP pain.
I have different levels of connectedness to each of them but I value every one.
I will not let Mr. M take that away from me.
I choose to not live in fantasy... "reality is my friend" (as one of my therapist friends would say).  And reality is that I cannot trust my husband enough to leave my support system right now - if ever. 


I KNOW friendships can be painful and we can sometimes be bitterly disappointed when people let us down.  (One of my longest & dearest friends seems to always be in crisis when I am having big family moments.  For example, she missed Hacker's wedding and she just missed Bub's graduation party.  She let me down and that is tremendously sad.  At the same time, I know she loves me the best she knows how and I also know that she would give me the shirt off her back, even if it harmed her.  But she is a HUMAN and she is flawed - as am I - and she WILL let me down... and sadly, I will let her down.)  But it is STILL worth investing in and continuing to pursue.  We were created to do life together.  So Anonymous, don't give up. And get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting.  And then another one.  And then another one...

Anxiety in Spades

I am doing a tad better emotionally the last couple of day, but am experiencing a LOT of anxiety.  I am not sure why. I have cut out all supplements and a lot of caffeine.  Must just be feelings - haha!
Today is the graduation party for Bub.
I guess there is always at least SOME anxiety with entertaining.
Girlie isn't doing well emotionally... I know that causes anxiety for me.
Drummer's band had a show the other night and someone overheard some people making fun of him/them and THAT gave me anxiety.
I chose to go to Drummer's show (because I haven't been in a long time) and I missed Bub's last improv comedy competition.  (I asked if his feelings would be hurt if I went to Drummer's show -he said "no".)  Apparently Bub was HILARIOUS and did SO well and had SUCH a great time (best match ever!).
Mr. M was supposed to go to that and chose to stay home and watch TV.
I have guilt and anxiety that I missed it.  (I apologized to Bub and told him how hard it was to have to pick - I went to his Senior Drama goodbye and Thursday night and his award presentation on Tuesday night - and I said "I probably should've gone to yours since it was the last one ever and Drummer will have more shows" and Bub said "Yeah, that's what my girlfriend said." - Aaaaaarrrgggh!)
Hacker's wife's parents are in town from out-of-state... first time EVER in our state - and I have been so busy with all this stuff (and throwing the graduation party) that I haven't seen them ONCE!  It was terrible timing for their trip!  (But no one asked me - haha!)  THAT gives me anxiety!!!!!!!!!!
All I can figure is that I have been pushing down so many feelings for so many years (living in an alcoholic marriage, but also before then - from my childhood) and now that they are surfacing, they are just overwhelming.
Well, on with the day...

Season of Grief

I've been feeling down lately.
I am sure it is largely in part to what I have been dealing with in therapy and all the feelings around that, but there is just a LOT of pain coming up.
Bub is graduating and preparing to go across the country to college and this is sad and painful for me (even though it is wonderful and exciting - I am just going to miss him AND it is the grieving for the end of a season).
Hacker recently told me that he & wifey are looking at moving to the South for him to work on a Masters.
Drummer is engaged and will be married in December and move out.  He is a DELIGHT, but a tad hard to have at home, so this is AWESOME, but it is still a transition and i love him and love having him here and will miss him too.
Girlie has been struggling with anxiety and depression.  She wants to homeschool (heaven help us!).  She says she doesn't want to get married or have kids.  She doesn't want to go to college or pursue her dreams because she knows she won't achieve them.  It is SO sad and I don't know how to help her.

Mr M and I have not been doing super well.  We just have SO much baggage and pain and hurt and our past together is so big - and the knowledge that the future could very well hold more of the same is so ever-present - I don't know if we can recover and not keep punishing each other.
I am not proud of my behavior, but the other day, in our fight, I literally got down on my knees and clasped my hands in front of me and BEGGED that we consider calling it quits.
I feel paralyzed and trapped.  "Can't live with him/can't live without him."  We are not happy and we are hurting each other.  Yet there are benefits to staying together: finances, having a partner in some activities, having someone who knows how to fix stuff and is sometimes available to share the work & kid load, having someone to hug, having a person to have sex with, having someone who will drive you to the hospital at 3AM, having someone to zip that pesky zipper or (gross!) pop a back zit (not that i EVER have those - haha!).  I don't WANT to be single.  I only ever wanted to be married.  If we divorce, there is no guarantee anyone will ever love me again... I have to be ok being alone.  I would have to share the kids on holidays.  I don't want the KIDS to have to go through that either for holidays or at their graduations and weddings and baby births.  And don't even get me started if Mr M finds a new wife to hold and love and do life with while I am alone.  GAWD, I would DIE!

I get down on myself and ask "Am I just having an extended pity party?"... but I am trying to be kind to me... I am grieving - on so many levels.  I am just plain old sad.  And after 24 years (yes, we just had our 24th anniversary last month) of love and loss and ups and downs, I am tried and broken-hearted and paralyzed - not wanting to end it but not wanting to go on like this for ANOTHER 24 years...

Ripping Off The Bandaid

Still slogging through this issue with Dr. (my therapist).
Last session we just sat and stared at each other - not literally, but we focused on me not wanting to focus on what I want to avoid.
I felt like when I was a child and my parents said I had to either choke down 3 bites of lima beans or sit at the table all night.  Either choice is desperately painful but you are a kid and power less and at the mercy of someone else's power.
Dr. asked if I felt like HE was the mean parent forcing that.
I didn't THINK so... I was aware that I was choosing to stay focused on the discomfort.  But I still felt caught between a rock and a hard place and either choice felt dooming.
He said we could come "around the corner" and look at whatever it was together. That word "together" seemed so foreign and out of plan to me... together???  No... I would come around the corner alone and uncover it alone and show him alone.  So he said "So you think I will not be there with you."
But this wasn't true either.  I thought I would be showing him, so he would BE there... but he would not come to it WITH me and it was not a "together" thing... I would be alone showing him.
At the end of the session, he asked if I just wanted to rip the bandaid off and tell him.
I said No Way.  My session was over and I couldn't open that can of worms and then LEAVE.  He said "Oh, so there is a tipping point in the session where if it doesn't come out by then, it isn't coming out."  And I acknowledged that yes, if it is not out by the half way point, it is not coming out.  (So many rules I make up in my own mind! :)
But so interesting that this makes sense as an 'absolute' in my brain... just realizing that this means (and says it very boldly) that I don't want to tell him and then dash out... I NEED him to process it with me before I leave... more "I need him"... AWKWARD!

Anyhow, so I got him and wrote up the issue and sent it to him.
(Now mind you you YOU know about it... I have written it.  Several in-person friends know about it... but because it is about HIM, I cannot talk to HIM about it.)  Here is what I wrote:

This is a bit of a “stream of consciousness” because I tried not to censor and just let it flow, so it is a bit rambling:

It wall started when as I was leaving your office and Mr M's surgery was the next day you asked "Are you asking me for something?” in response to something I said.

I came home and journaled about WHY that triggered such embarrassment and shame.

While journaling, I had to stop and cry because of the feelings it brought up. 

Then later, when walking with my friend and telling her about it, she suggested that if it were her, she would’ve felt like YES!, she DID want something.  She would’ve wanted you to go with her to the surgery and hold her hand and “be with” her. 

I wouldn’t even THINK to ask, expect, or hope for that, but when she said it, I had a wave of wanting to cry… so it resonated with me. 

{SIDE NOTE –but in the same vein: When I brought it up to you, you said that when you asked me if I was asking you for something, you felt like I needed a hug.  That is the second time you have said that to me… once was a long time ago, near the beginning of me seeing you.

That is one of those things I was talking about in session where I hear something and nod “uh huh” but don’t ask the question(s) that might seem obvious to others to ask.

“What are you seeing that makes it seem like I need a hug?”

and

“What if that was accurate and I DID need a hug?”}

What all this has tapped into for me is NEED and dependence.

I think I AM asking for something.

I am not even sure what, but I know this oversteps bounds – bounds that I have intrinsically “known” my whole life – by needing or wanting too much; what is not available or appropriate to ask for.

I think I started to tap into it a little even before all this when I told you that when I drove up near your office at other times than therapy I had started to feel attachment to you… I experienced it as “missing” you (because it felt like it had a little grief element to it because I wasn’t seeing you until next Tuesday).

So if I AM asking you for something, that is embarrassing because I am already getting all that I can reasonably expect.  Plus, it is not polite to ask for something that is not available and might make someone else (you) uncomfortable.

If I DO need you or AM dependent on you, that is a tiny bit more fine with me, internally (NOT if I express it to you!!!) but I understand the ‘rules’ that I will keep it to myself, because again, that is embarrassing because I am already getting all that I should reasonably ask or expect.

And if I DID actually need a hug – I can’t even GET that far to know if I did/do or not… but to even think, “what IF I did?” – that is embarrassing because that is not available or appropriate.

Another side note: A friend asked if this is because I am actually experiencing need/dependence/attachment as “attraction” and that is why I am embarrassed or feel like it is inappropriate.  I don’t think that is how I am experiencing it because I don’t think I feel attracted to you in that way.   It feels pretty clear to me that I could equally be experiencing this need/dependence/attachment with a man or woman and I would feel equally uncomfortable and inappropriate.  (I mean I guess there is an added element of perceived inappropriateness I would want to protect myself from because you are a man and someone else could easily misunderstand what I mean.)  But on my end it is about need and attachment and dependence and my embarrassment over my need and that I am asking/wanting/needing too much.  That I am breaking rules.  So many things.

I am even embarrassed reading back over this because it seems trivial and it seems like a lot of naval gazing (more shame and embarrassment), BUT it obviously ISN’T trivial and is deep for me.

And in thinking about it, I really DON’T think I felt “forced” by you into leaning into this.  I agreed to because I wanted to (as much as, or more than, I didn’t want to).  I don’t think I was protecting myself from being angry with you.  I could be wrong and I know I would definitely DO that, but I don’t think I am in this particular case.

So there it is and I am glad I am not seeing you for 2 weeks :/

He replied back:

"You are a brave one and I agree that you wanted this for yourself.  I'm glad you have opened the door to such honesty within yourself and I'm looking forward to getting in there with you."  

Today is my first session since I sent this (and received his response).

I go in an hour.

 I am SICK with anxiety.

I want to just go in and talk about a few parenting struggles and marriage issues I am having.

I want to call in sick.

I want to pretend I forgot it was Tuesday because of the holiday and just not go.

I want to quit permanently.

ANYTHING but this.  ANYTHING.

I am sick.

I have a stomach ache.  My heart is racing.  I want a xanax or a drink or something to calm these feelings.  (Interesting side note for me to pay attention to:  I do not want to EAT to soothe myself like I normally do... I will want to eat a LOT after the session... that will be my comfort and/or reward after, but right now, I have a stomach ache and I want to anesthetize with "MEDICINE".)

I am going.

I will have to talk about it.

I am sick about it.

I will live.

... at least that is what I am telling myself... but the way I am feeling, it doesn't seem like I actually believe that...

Meeting My Little Girl

I have gotten hypnotized a few times recently... trying to get in touch with stuff locked in my subconscious that I am too heavily defended to allow myself to get in touch with.

Now, I am a skeptic but I thought I would TRY something "out of the box" and different. I was skeptical about acupuncture and it has been one of the BEST pain relievers EVER. I was skeptical about kinesiology and likewise, it has been miraculous when my back pain flares up. So I have learned to at least give things the benefit of the doubt.

I don't FEEL hypnotized when I am under... and yet the FEELINGS and the physical reaction to the feelings are so different and so intense... I KNOW I am clearly tapping into SOMETHING. It has really been the only time in my entire life when I have seen my "little girl". I have always read or been told about the 'inner child' work and have never been able to see my little girl or to relate to her if I could picture the face of that little girl I have seen in old photos... I CERTAINLY do not relate to her as ME. But for the first time I did. I saw her and I knew her and I cared about her and I KNEW it was me. I could lovingly caress her little head and tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

This week, the hypnotherapist (not my normal Dr.) had me go back to a time when I first felt I didn't have value or worth. I couldn't do it. She had me mentally go down a hallway and picture doors with my ages on them and go into the door with the age on it when I first felt those feelings. I walked down the hallway in my mind and somehow knew it was age 3. My little girl could not go in. I tensed up. My chest tightened. I couldn't breathe. SO WEIRD! I couldn't go in. (When the therapist told me that I am a grown up now and nothing behind that door can hurt me now, I started CRYING! - I have no idea what I am afraid of but man, does it feel powerful!) She asked if grown-up me could come alongside little girls me and if we could go together. That was better but when grown up me said we could go in together and that I would protect Little Girl, I discovered little girl me did not trust grown up me. This makes sense because I have not been very gentle, acknowledging, or protecting of the little girl at all. I have tried to ignore and disown her my whole life. No wonder she isn't ready to rush into believing I am trustworthy!

Eventually, she took my hand and walked me deeper into the room. It was like the woods with tall trees and sun dappled shade. I thought I saw a rabbit hutch maybe? Art supplies? (My conscious mind remembered my mom telling me she had dropped me and my brother off at a baby sitter when we were little and I think I recalled there were maybe woods involved? - Am I just thinking of things I have been told and trying to fill in the blanks???) So I can't go any further or see anything of value, BUT there were tons of feelings involved... again, tight chest, shallow breathing, rigid body. I did NOT want to go.

So the therapist had me take my little girls to my 'safe place' (caribbean beach!). We laid there together and I asked her if she couldn't SHOW me, could she tell me. She said "bad man". And grown up me instantly thought "no... that's ridiculous... that's just what I THINK I should be saying or remembering" (Again - am I just thinking of things and trying to fill in the blanks?). Well, you can imagine, Little Girl didn't feel to heard or protected so she clammed right up. Of COURSE she did! I had promised to protect her and take care of her but I didn't. The first chance I was give, I didn't listen to her and discounted her. I stopped and tried again. "There is a bad man? What did he do?" She didn't tell me but I tried. Baby steps. I ended with just being nice to her and trying to show her that I can be a safe place for her and that I WILL protect her.

This week I am supposed to get a picture of her and put it in a locket and wear it all the time to remind me that she is always with me and I need to protect her. I would also like to try to be mindful of being nice to her and extra gentle with her this week and we'll see if next time I get hypnotized she will trust me more! Its a tough thing because I don't really want to face and feel whatever is lurking hidden... and yet I do... and I feel like I am ready... well at least more ready than I have ever been. Scared but excited and hopeful (and yes, still skeptical.)

Last Nerve

Mr. M is in pain and under slept (due to pain). He is frustrated and angry about his injuries. He is scared that they will not heal well and quickly. He is frustrated being so dependent and not being able to drive. He is baffled that I am angry/hurt/scared over his accident. He is mad I will not give him more sympathy and compassion. He has no clue really why I would think I would need any sympathy and compassion too... I mean sheesh! I didn't get in an accident! He is walking around with this pissed off chip on his shoulder. He is simply a BEAR to have in the house. He is on my last nerve. I am regretting letting him be here, but I didn't see a ton of alternative... and he is NOT drinking (yet... although I suspect that is on the horizon).... and it WAS an "accident". And yet, I cannot muster up a ton of sympathy and I AM exhausted (emotionally) and sad and scared and in many ways - Done.

Last night he and Drummer had a big blow up at midnight.

Drummer has some anger issues. He is very explosive and aggressive. (Drummer is living her this year, working and saving money before he gets married - don't even get me started about my concerns about his anger issues in a marriage - ugh!).

They were screaming at each other. Drummer threw a thing or two. Drummer ended up storming out. He was yelling in the front yard at midnight. (Can you say "white trash"?) A lot of anger was spewing out about Dad's drinking and his anger about that.

Mr. M said he is packing his bags and leaving in the morning (now today). That really WOULD be better. Let's see if he really does it.

I have such mixed feeling about this.

If I really picture my life without him I am so torn.

PROS

Less stress,

Less fear,

Less hurt,

Less turmoil,

Less abandonment.

I am on my own and I know it... no delusions of partnership.

Free to find someone to love again (hopefully).

More peace in the home.

CONS

I will be totally alone. (Not I am 75% alone... but that 25% must have some value or I would be gone.)

I don't know how to repair all the stuff Mr. M does... I will have to learn or pay money and hire someone.

I will be 100% on my own financially with no illusion of help. (When sober and living at home, Mr. contributes well.)

No one to share the burden of parenting with occasionally (when he is reliable).

When (if) Mr. M sobers up, he will BEG me to rethink and come back... he will look good and act great and be adorable and cheerful and be the man I always WANTED to be married to. Everything in my will respond to this... I will be DEVASTATED again to have to say "no" to what I wanted all along. I will have to FORCE myself to remember the drinking, the abandonment, the anger, the fear. But I will be irrationally hopeful that THIS TIME he will stay sober and I will actually get what I always wanted in this relationship...

What if no one loves me again?? I love love. I love being married. I love hugging and holding hands (not to mention other stuff :) I didn't want to be single. I didn't want to be alone. (I am so angry and sad to be in this place.

Isn't it weird that this dirt bike accident - not even alcohol related - spun me into this place? Yet, it makes sense because it is highlighting the selfishness and abandonment and self-absorption that is here even when he is not drinking.

Mr. M Update - Plus a Little on Laughter

Am I just numb or am I starting to accept my sadness as a part of life? (Is it possible it is like if one lost a limb they would grieve and grieve for a while and then start living again and learn to live with that loss in a new way?) Some of both, methinks.

What I didn't mention in my last post about Mr. M's dirt biking accident was that I had just had lunch with a group of 6 girlfriends (celebrating one friend's birthday)... we had stayed and laughed and gabbed so long that I rushed straight from there to meet two other girlfriends for dinner! (I had made several plans since Mr. M was going to be gone all weekend :) I was just walking in to restaurant #2 when Mr. M phoned, lying in a crumpled heap on the desert floor convulsing with shivers from the cold night air as darkness closed in around him and they waited for their buddy to come back with the truck. I expressed my concern and sympathy and made sure he was going to the hospital and asked questions like "Are you OK?????" and "Is there BLOOD?!?" and "Are any bones sticking out at weird angles?". He said he would call back and I went in to the restaurant and had a lovely evening with my friends. (The next night I had dinner with another girlfriend from Junior High and she hung out until 1AM!!) At dinner, I shared with my friends about Mr. M and my anger and fear and grief. Another friend shared how badly their business was going and how hard it is to struggle financially for so long... she cried a bit about how many vacation memories they have not been able to make because they never go anywhere because they are always waiting for "next year" hoping things will be better and they are not.

I have trauma and crisis in my life and so do others:

I currently have a friend whose husband of 26 years left her for an old high school crush devastating their 2 children who are now not speaking to him.

Another friend in my support group's husband has been having emotionally intimate conversations on the phone with a woman whose husband just left her... he thinks he might be in love with her and has told his wife - my friend - that he might want a divorce. their devastated daughter has started dabbling in drugs and sex.

Another friend of mine has a daughter with severe cerebral palsy, an adult son with extreme mental illness (he has been in jail and mental hospitals, he gets on medications, gets better, gets out, and realizes he is fine and gets off the meds only to slip back into the clutches of his mental illness). Meanwhile, her husband has had 2 neck surgeries and is not feeling any better and her mother (85) is having massive health problems and moved in with them!

My other friend's husband is 52 and is having memory issues like he makes her eggs for breakfast and then 20 minutes later of she wants him to make her some eggs... she is terrified for what this means for their family and their young 12 year old son.

One of my friends just lost his 12 year old daughter to cancer...

Need I go on?

There is a LOT of sadness in the world. I don't know a lot, but one thing I can tell you for sure; this is NOT heaven! There is a lot of pain and suffering and grief here on this planet. But life goes on. We can curl up and die or keep living. I am super sad for myself and my circumstances and I am brokenhearted for my suffering friends (and these are just a few of them!). But I am amazed at our resilience and HOPE. We cry together (I am not very good at this but am working on it) and we LAUGH together (I am VERY good at this :)

Oh... how we laugh!!!

And it is healing and cathartic.

It is not fake. We are not pretending we are not sad. We are sad AND sometimes there is humor even in the sadness (Dark humor? The lighter side of grief?) The sadness is true but so is the laughter.

So, while it has been a rough few days (and I have a lot of feelings I am still hashing through with Mr. M's latest escapades), it was also a fun few days... I enjoyed my friends and my kids and yes, even my life. It was - as Dr. would say - "abundant" (full of everything).

P.S.

Update on Mr. M is that his friends took him to the hospital and dropped him off. He called when he was done HOURS later and they picked him up. He didn't want to ruin their trip so he said he could just stay the 2 miserable days and nights in the trailer while they all went out riding all day. I could've offered to drive the 3.5 hours each way to pick him up, but didn't and only felt 5% guilty (not bad! ;) They brought him home sunday evening. (The kids and I had just finished a delicious mexican meal with my parents who brought dinner over.)

He was a mess... he was sick - they think from eating something bad - and vomiting and the "runs". (I let hims stay the night in case it was a symptom of an internal injury, I am still keeping an eye on him.) His right arm IS broken. We have to take him to the Dr. to have a more permanent cast put on this week. Not 100% sure what is wrong with the shoulder... the Dr. said to wait and bit before having it checked (this seems weird to me?!?!?). His tailbone and back are still killing him. He has deep cuts and scabs on his arms, elbows, and knees. His helmet is thrashed but it seems to have done its job protecting his brain (thank GOD!).

I undressed him and helped bathe him and am letting him spend a few nights. I did a load of his laundry and am being polite. He is terribly sad that I seem angry with him. He just doesn't get it: "It was an ACCIDENT, Babe!" I tried to explain. He says he gets it but he is very self consumed (he is in a lot of physical pain, plus me being mad at him brings emotional pain, plus I think he was quite scared and I am not offering a lot of comfort, which is my usual role... a lot of new stuff going on over here...)

Mr. M Goes Dirt Biking

I am angry and posting only to vent.

Mr. M left on a motorcycle riding trip today with some sober friends.

I think I may have mentioned before my torn feelings about this 2nd trip in a 30 day period for him.

On the one hand I am happy for him having sober fun doing something he loves, taking time for himself, and developing friendships with some guys with long-term sobriety.

On the other hand, I feel kind of bitter because he just took 2 months off of LIFE, drinking himself to near death in a motel etc... so I am kind of like "Now is your time to think of others and be around to help your wife and kids who need you".

But then i cycle around to wanting him to have good things and GO and then I am pissed that he is going. etc etc etc etc etc.

(This is an internal dialogue... to HIM, I only said that I had mixed emotions and briefly told him why.)

Anyhow, what I did NOT say was that I am not a big fan of dirt biking.

It is expensive - bikes are expensive and they break a lot.

It is dangerous - the guys like to ride "balls out" as they call it, and even if YOU are safe, a lot of other people drive drunk and crash into you.

So this evening, I get a call from Mr. M.

He says he has crashed and has totalled the bike he bought the day before from a friend (turns out the bike is fine, but this is what he thought at the time). He says he f**ked up his shoulder really bad. He has rocks imbedded in his elbows and knees. One buddy is staying with him, the other one is racing to go get the truck and come back. It is getting dark and they are in the middle of no where. Thank GOD the friend has a GPS and can mark the spot where Mr. M is so he can actually FIND him when he returns with the truck!

The friend come back to get him eventually - after about 1.5 hours of Mr. M laying in the dirt in the dark in the freezing cold.

They take him to the hospital.

he has a broken right arm and a thrashed left shoulder (torn tendons and ligaments, it looks like). His back (he had spine surgery last january) is spasming and goodness knows WHAT injuries are there!

This man has no life insurance and no disability insurance. He is jeopardizing our family again - for sport! (I have forgiven him much when he is in his addiction but to do this in addition feels inexcusable to me right now.)

Now he has a bunch of new medical bills (we have a $6k deductible and then percentages up to $10k).

He is injured terribly - both arms - so he will not be able to work.

Is he going to expect the KIDS (Hacker & Wifey) to nurse him and take care of him?

Am I expected to? I don't want to or intend to, but I feel badly dumping that on Hacker & Wifey (although that is THEIR choice - they can be responsible for themselves and I can be responsible for me).

The kids heard the news and got quite scared and upset (Drummer most of all, poor guy).

Please let me say for the record that I was kind and compassionate to Mr. M on the phone. I said all the right things. I was just not FEELING compassionate. Later in the evening when he called from ER and wanted to talk about the bills and how fast he was going etc., I DID say I was angry and later that I was not paying the bills.

Girlie overheard this (my fault - we were in the car) and seemed mad at me.

I told her I had been nice all evening and was just expressing a little of my frustration.

She said "It is none of my business" and did not talk to me any more tonight.

I THINK she is in shock over and over again by the fear of losing her dad. He has NO IDEA what he does to her, jeopardizing himself like this.

I am not like crazy angry.

I am numb.

I am tired.

I am running on empty.

I have NO margin for this emotionally.

I do not feel compassion... I only want to leave him.

I do not have the emotional wherewithal to deal with his self-centeredness.

Don't know how long he I can do this...

(PS - Don't even get me STARTED on his pain and needing pain killers and my fear of that spinning him down the road of addiction... I don't even want to OPEN that can of worms!!!!!)

"An Exact Replica Of A Figment Of My Imagination"

Maybe I shouldn't be reading this book right now.

Maybe it is "courting" sadness.

Maybe I should be slapping a smile on my face and focusing on the positive.

But that is what I have done my whole life - package away grief and be a "good girl" and not make others uncomfortable.

Suck it up and solider on.

So I am reading it.

And I am BAWLING (ugly faced, mascara running bawling).

And I am laughing.

At things like the "dwarves of grief" which I excerpted here.

It is a woundingly lovely memoir of grief and loss.

It is like an anthem to grief.

A tribute to loss.

I am filled with love for this sweet woman who lost her full term son, Pudding and her willingness to bring us in to her heart and world and share him and her grief with us. It is so intimate... so generous. I love her honesty and I love HER for laying herself bare. I cannot BELIEVE she GOES there. That she remembers this (hasn't blocked it out, is willing to expose it) and will recreate it on the page. Then the fact that she can do it so deftly and lyrically and doesn't use language to distance and protect but to invite and draw in. I am in awe of her writing and her spirit. It is humbling because I am so aware of how out of my grasp this feels - for so many reasons.

But can I just say that if you have ever LOST someone or grieved or suffered, her story (Elizabeth's and Edward's story) will resonate with you. It is so HONORING and tender toward loss and suffering.

I will leave you with one small excerpt from page 132:

"Of course you can't out-travel sadness. You will find it has smuggled itself along in your suitcase. It coats the camera lens, it flavors the local cuisine. In that different sunlight, it stands out, awkward, yours, honking in the brash vowels of your native tongue in otherwise quiet restaurants. You may even feel proud of its stubbornness as it follows you up the bell towers and monuments, as it pants in your ear while you take in the view. I travel not to get away from my troubles but to see how they look in front of famous buildings or on deserted beaches. I take them for walks. Sometimes I get them drunk. Back at home, we generally understand each other better."

I am not trying to make too much of my sadness or to compare it to hers - or yours - but I AM grief stricken over Mr. M's relapse. I feel like 23 years of grief and loss that I have been stuffing are throbbingly present right now, welling up and overflowing after YEARS of being denied. I am facing the LOSS that has accompanied Mr. M's repeated binges and disappearances and thefts and absences and job losses and abandonments (of me and the kids), not to mention the terror of if he would live and how I would be able to provide all by myself. This time as I stop denying and honestly look at my loss and pain, I have come face to face with the fact that I don't know if I have it in me to do this again. I am heartbroken and tired and grief-stricken. I might end up having to get a divorce. This will be a death of sorts - the death of a marriage and of a dream and of the future I THOUGHT I would have. (I KNOW I will have a wonderful future with new dreams, but this one will have died.) If I don't get a divorce, I have to face the fact that in 5 or 10 years (or in 10 minutes), it is highly likely Mr. M will relapse again and I will be blogging these EXACT same thoughts and shock and betrayal and abandonment all over again. Only this time, I will be 47 or 52.

I feel GUILTY and "BAD" writing this because I feel like in Recovery you are "supposed to" think positive and practice acceptance. But although it may not SOUND like it, this grief I am allowing myself to feel IS acceptance. I am accepting myself - warts and all. I am accepting the reality of my past 23 years. I am accepting that if I stay with Mr. M, my future will likely (not certainly) include relapse. And as sad as it feels, it feels kind of good - as I have mentioned - honest.

I am afraid if I am morbid and sappy and negative, YOU might not like me. But then I think SHEESH!!!!!!!! What is the freaking POINT of this blog if I have to be a people pleaser here too?!?!?! For goodness sake, this is my blog and no one has to read it if they don't like the way my mind works or don't like me. I do MORE than enough people pleasing and tap dancing in my off-line life to last a few lifetimes. So HERE... here on my blog, I will run the risk of not being YOUR definition of 'healthy' or wise or loving or accepting or positive or "in recovery" or "Christian" or whatever.

This is MY issue, no one else's... but I started realizing I wanted to edit what I wrote to be more uplifting and inspirational, humorous and insightful - whatever. Then I thought "THAT is not true" to where I am right now. It is not true to me and therefore it is unkind to me. So if someone were to visit and read my blog and not like it or me then I need to LEARN to tolerate my discomfort with that. If that is you, it is OK. You are allowed to not like me or my writing or my emotional place. I am not super emotionally ok with that. But I am not OK with Mr. M's drinking... and JUST like with his drinking, I am POWERLESS over you & your opinions and my life is unmanageable when I fret about it and try to control and manage your opinion of me. So I will ask God to grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (you visiting or not visiting my blog, liking or disliking my blog, liking or disliking ME), the courage to change the things I can (Me and only me) and the WISDOM to know the difference.

A Weekend Away

I went out of town for the weekend with a girlfriend.

It wasn't just a pleasure trip but it was still very nice.

We were checking her son back in for spring semester at university.

The 3 of us drove up together for 6+ hours of non-stop gabbing!

We spent a lot of time stocking up the dorm fridge and running errands and hanging out with college kids (adorable!). We ate at many marvelous restaurants including a funky ice cream shop with fun, wacky, creative flavors like "lemon praline pinenut" and "saffron coconut" and "chicory whiskey" and "maple bacon".

It was good to get away and "play".

It was good to chat and be frivolous and not worry about anyone but myself (my friend had to worry about her son, but I didn't :)

It is hard because it creeps into my mind to worry abut Mr. M. He often escalates in drinking behavior when I am gone (a case of the while-the-cat's-away-the-mouse-will-play syndrome???). So it is a TAD hard with my controlling (fear-based) nature to leave and know that is a risk. But it was good to go and to open my terrified grasp and believe that if he is going to drink, he is going to drink. Me being here to guard him might prolong it, but it will only prolong it, not prevent it.

So I can't say that I didn't ever think about it with worry or concern, but I didn't let it stop me from going or enjoying my time. (And I didn't excessively call and check in either :)

I'll call that a bit of growth...

Baby Whiner

I don't want to be a baby whiner.

I want to be a person of acceptance and serenity.

I want to have peace and let go of resentments.

I actually BELIEVE I will get there.

But I also want to to be REAL... I want to truly accept and truly HAVE serenity.

I don't want to do it because I am supposed to or it LOOKS good.

I am a performer/pleaser... I WANT to have behaviors that are acceptable to people so you will love me and want to be my friend and not leave me.

So my whole life I have been a 'good girl' and had the 'right' feelings so I would not make other people uncomfortable (because if I make you uncomfortable, that is NOT pleasing).

I package up my feelings and compartmentalize them then we can ALL be comfortable.

But now, after four years of therapy, I am trying to just let myself HAVE my feelings, even if they are messy or unpleasing or make you uncomfortable.

My husband drank again and I KNOW in my head that it is not personal... he has a disease.

But regardless of all my head knowledge, my HEART is sad. I feel abandoned. I feel unloved and unsafe. I am feeling scared about being alone. I feel scared about my financial future and my ability to take care of my kids alone - if that is how I end up being. I feel scared no one will ever love me again (which is why an affair sounds so nice - a distraction and a balm to my frightened and lonely heart).

So after my 3 mile walk this morning with my friend, I was driving home and talking to my Higher Power. I was asking him for comfort and love and peace for a few friends that are going through extremely difficult things right now and another who is having a hysterectomy this morning. But I know that I personally am feeling FAR from the comfort of my Higher Power right now... I am not sure why... I've got to work through that.

So anyway, this is NOT where I want to be and I WANT to 'snap out of it' and pack it all away like the good girl I am supposed to be, but I do not know how to balance my grief and also live in the present moment, TODAY, which is quite full and abundant:

TODAY - I have a great job that pays ALL my bills... my HP has provided

TODAY - I have a house that I can pay for.

TODAY - the heater in my house just came on and my kids and I don't have to be cold

TODAY - my pantry & fridge are full (well, OK, Bub would disagree... he says I REALLY need to go to the grocery store... but I CAN go to the grocery store and fill the fridge and pantry ;)

TODAY - my kids and parents and siblings are all healthy

TODAY - my family is growing because Hacker got married and Drummer is engaged

TODAY - Mr. M has 7+ weeks sober

TODAY - I have great and loving and supportive friends and family

I know that living in a place of gratitude is one of the ways to get un stuck ("grateful people are happy people")... and even writing that list made me feel better.

Thanks for bearing with my whining.

I am processing.

God willing as I go through my journey here on "the page", it will be a journey of growth and change and LEGITIMATE serenity and peace because I actually GOT there - inside - and NOT because I am faking it so you will like me.

Dating?

It is so weird;

Every morning I wake up alone in my bed.

The kids are leaving and hollering goodbye at o'dark-thirty.

Shortly thereafter, I get up and get dressed and eat something then meet a friend to walk a few miles.

I get home and work; returning emails, making phone calls, going to meetings, or creating proposals.

Sometimes I will meet a friend for lunch.

Mr. M will touch base and let me know what his day looks like - how many customers he will be seeing that day (usually 1-6 at an average of 60-90 mins. each).

I pick up kids and hang out with them throughout the late afternoon/early evening.

Eventually, Mr. M comes over and we do dinner.

Then he leaves for his AA meeting.

He is usually gone for 2.5 to 3 hours (depending on how far away it is, if he is going to dinner beforehand, if he hangs out and fellowships afterward etc.).

On his way home to Hacker & Wifey's house he calls me to say "hi".

We chit chat a while and then say our "love you's" and "goodnights".

It is so weird... it is like we are dating.

It is hard and sad in many ways (for the kids especially, I think).

But, it is not all bad.

There is something good for both of us in the boundaries and the space and the freedom.

I think it MAY give him more ability to focus on his program.

It allows us to not always be up in each others' kitchens.

And it makes us long for each other a little bit more... I think we are (overall) a tad bit nicer to each other and are on more good behavior.

It is kind of a no-man's land between marriage and divorce and yet marriage (living together right now) isn't currently an option and we are not ready for divorce, so i am grateful there is an alternative.

I wouldn't wish it on any one... but it is working adequately... considering.

A New Day

Today is a new day.

The sun is shining.

The air is crisp and clean.

It is blustery.

Mr. M came over before 9, having already gone to his meeting.

I am sitting at the kitchen table reading blogs and nodding in empathy and laughing and shaking my head at familiarity.

Meanwhile, Mr. M is washing windows and singing at the top of his lungs.

Drummer is already at work. Bub & Girlie are still sleeping. (There are remnants of Girlie's Harry Potter baking extravaganza of berry tarts still in the kitchen - and a lingering scent of yum hanging in the air.)

Just since I wrote this sentence, Mr. M moved on to watching Jewel play with and wrestle with and chew her "wiener" (rubber squeaking wiener dog - heehee) and he is laughing and laughing.

We have a clean slate each day if we choose to not hang on to bitterness.

I blog to work through a lot of my deepest darkest feelings so I DON'T have to vent them on Mr. M, but they are still there and I am working on trying to FEEL my feelings and not stuff them or compartmentalize but to really BE where I am. It is not always pretty, but it is helpful... I think I am more WHOLE now than I have ever been.

So today, I woke up and yes, I still have lingering feelings (like the lingering scent of Girlie's tarts) of hurt and fear.

But we both have a new opportunity.

A new day to laugh and love and try, try again.

Alpha

Our little 10 pound dog "Jewel" loves our whole family.

Girlie feeds her so she is devoted to her in a special way.
She loves to snuggle with Bub.

I am the Momma, so she follows me around.

But NO ONE holds a candle to Daddy.

She gets sent to her bed during meals and when we are done eating, we release her by saying "That'll do".

If Mr. M is not home and ANY of us release her, she is out of her bed in a flying leap the INSTANT "That'll do" even BEGINS to pass our lips.

However, if Mr. M is home, I will say "That'll do" and she does not move. She looks away from me and stares at Mr. M with her little stub wagging... utterly intent upon him.

There IS no command except a command from him, when he is home.

"That'll do," he finally says and she hurtles herself from the bed in a nanosecond!

Her little world is crushed when her Alpha is not home.

She waits for him in the front window. She whines for him. She has more anxiety and spends a lot more of her spare time "guarding" the house. I assert myself and show her my dominance and that she does not need to be in control just because her Alpha is gone, but she clearly does not believe me. She PINES for Mr. M in his absence. All is not right with her world when he is gone...

The kids and I all understand how she feels...

6 Weeks or a Year?

Today while at the beach (yes, it has been 80 degrees this New Year's week in Southern CA!!!) Mr. M said he couldn't believe he only had 6 weeks sober. He said it feels like a year.

I kinda get what he means and he IS doing well, but I will confess, it does NOT seem like a year to me!

I am so glad he is feeling strong and confident and good and like this is all behind him, but I am still in shock and traumatized.

I am grieving like someone died.

I am not trying to be melodramatic.

I mean, he only relapsed and relapse is part of recovery.

I know this and yet his relapses are the destruction of our family.

As I have previously outlined:

He doesn't work. (Therefore he doesn't earn ANY income so 100% of the burden is on me.)

He is non-functional.

He is scary and destructive (breaking things, yelling, peeing and vomiting on things etc.).

He doesn't pay his bills.

He drives drunk.

He drinks SO much, so heavily that his liver is disintegrating. (He drinks over a liter of straight vodka a day.)

He drinks as if trying to drown or poison something inside him.

There is not pretending he is a "party guy" or "just hanging out with the guys".

He drinks (guzzles) alone.

When he drinks I do not know if he will ever stop... and IF he does, will it be 3 years from now? (That is his norm.)

When he drinks, I don't know if he will live.

When I dropped him off at the motel back in mid-october, I drove away sobbing my GUTS out because I believed I might never hear from him/see him again. And we didn't even get to say an actual 'goodbye' because he was so drunk all he cared about was getting into his room and getting more booze.

I am sobbing hysterically driving away and he is stumbling to his motel room with barely a glance back. (When he checked in with me each day to tell me he was still alive, he was clear he did not want help yet, but wanted to keep drinking.)

This happened a mere 6 weeks ago.

He is still not living at home (we are talking about the 90 day mark - as he is currently doing "90 meetings in 90 days"), he is still barely able to contribute to supporting the family because not he has his OWN separate rent to pay.

So no... I am sorry if it still seems tremendously fresh and doesn't seem anywhere CLOSE to a year yet.

I don't want to torture Mr. M, but nor can I lie, minimize, or enable. I am broken-hearted, tired, and frightened. I don't want to do this any more. I don't want to live waiting for the relapse that can be part of recovery.

He acted all "butt hurt" that he had to go home tonight (I had let him stay a couple nights over the holiday). I am butt hurt.

I am hurt he got drunk and left us alone again.

I am hurt he doesn't live here.

I am hurt my husband has to leave every evening and sleep somewhere else.

I am hurt (an embarrassed) that Girlie had 6 friends spend the night for New Years Eve and she thought he was leaving without saying good bye and asked "Daddy, are you leaving??? I thought you were staying here!" in front of her friends (who already KNOW what is going on, but still; humiliating! I feel like we are teenagers in an illicit relationship and he has to get home by curfew or something).

So as I crawl in bed, alone... again (and again and again and again ad infinitum), I know how many times I have cried myself to sleep night after night and if Mr. M wants to know something that feels like a year, I can tell him THAT feels like a year...
xo

Projection and Parenthood

Sheesh!!! I really should watch out what I watch on TV.

My friends told me I should avoid this season of NBC's "Parenthood". I had DVR'd all of them but not watched any yet (it is like chocolate... I am waiting and savoring it).

But as soon as I am told I shouldn't watch it, my slightly rebellious nature wants to watch it even more (#WhyIWillBeInTherapyForManyMoreYears).

I am crying my way through each episode... the teen mom wanting to give up her baby. (I was a teen mom.) Adam and Kristina with their brand new baby, heartsick teen, and Aspergers son and her feeling like she is doing it all alone because he is starting a new business. (I have parented alone.)

But I am particularly enmeshed with the Sara Braverman storyline.

Single mom Sara and her 2 troubled kids Amber and Drew move in with Grandma & Grandpa. Dad/ Ex husband (Seth) is a drunk band member who has been unreliable and abandoning and left Sara and the kids to have to fend for themselves (sound familiar loved ones of alcoholics???).

Sara finally begins to make a life for herself. She writes and play that gets great reviews, she is dating a darling and devoted (and much younger) teacher, her kids are kind of finding their way. And OF COURSE Seth shows up wasted and destructive. She convinces him to go to rehab and BORROWS money from her lawyer sister Julia to pay for it! (Further jeopardizing well-being and relationships to save the alcoholic.) Her dad is LIVID - she is throwing good money after bad and getting herself into debt and exposing her kids to false hope. She is alienating the great guy she is dating because she is so committed to helping Seth (although it seems she is legitimately not attracted to him, she DOES still care about him).

I know it is just fiction, but it is bringing up feelings in me... I feel mad and sad for her and for her kids. I empathize with her desire to TRY to "save" her kids' dad. I am so MAD at Seth. I am heartbroken for the kids.

Projection much???

Maybe my friends were right and it was a bad choice to watch it... stupid pridefulness...

Mr. M Goes Motorcycle Riding

Mr. M went on a motorcycle riding trip with some sober guys from the program. I have been near giddy with the thought of him being gone for a few days. This is weird because all I ache for him to do is to be sober and come home. But he has been sober for 5 weeks and he is over at the house every day. But we have been fighting. He has started to boss me and the kids around about cleaning (he's a bit OCD and likes to get all "up in our kitchen" when we are not as tidy as he is). He is no longer on "good behavior" and is crankier with all of us. (You can read the few previous posts about the fight on my birthday and on Christmas Eve morning). So a little break sounded nice.

He left and it brought up feelings of grief and sadness. I felt like I did when he was away from home and drunk. I just felt sad and hurt and abandoned. I kind of missed him but not really. If anything, his absence and my grief about it made me think how TIRED I am and how exhausting it is living this way.

He's only gone for 2 nights but has called and texted and left voicemails and sent video clips of the place he is staying. He got worried when I didn't respond and tried repeatedly to get in touch with me. We finally talked for a few minutes. He was telling me he missed me etc. I felt nothing but sad. I'm just sad.

I know it hurts his feelings when he doesn't get the response he is hoping for from me. And this freaks me out because if he gets scared or sad or feels rejected and cannot deal with his feelings, will he drink???? So then I feel like I should engage more and show him I love him - to prevent him from drinking. But this is just that illusion of control. He will drink if he wants and not drink if he doesn't want. My behavior is irrelevant. I can PRETEND I have some influence if this makes me fell better to convince myself that I actually have some power in this insanity. Mr. M may stay sober a while - or forever - or he might be drunk when he comes home tomorrow. And regardless, I am just sad right now.

My Annual Birthday Saga

We made it through Christmas. It was fine.

The next day was my birthday but also Drummer & Sweetie's engagement day.

I kinda had a vision of sleeping in, but it wasn't to be... Drummer was up at the butt-crack of dawn singing away practicing the song he had written for the proposal. I was slightly annoyed for a couple minutes then got over myself and went and helped him decide where to hide the ring so she wouldn't see it.

He took off to plan and set up so he could pick her up at 9AM for their picnic.

Mr M went to a morning meeting and came over. The 2 of us went to an outdoor mall (it is 77 degrees and GLORIOUS here right now!) and had lunch and dessert then we went to shop and exchange and return.

It was crowded and chaotic.

We went to exchange stuff he had gotten me at a high-end exercise store. This was a real splurge for his to get for me... 2 pairs of exercise pants. (They typically run $100 a piece so it was a big deal.) Come to find out one pair he got me was "final sale" (for $60). I don't love them... they are not super flattering on me and for that kind of money, I should ADORE them and look like a GODDESS in them. But Mr. M - not being a shopper - didn't know that final sale meant... um... FINAL sale. He thought you could still at least exchange.

I was crestfallen.

Now he has thrown away $60.

And I got nothing.

I was super sad and also a little irritated.

He went straight to SHAME and self-absorption. It was all about him.

He couldn't be present for me at all... he couldn't hug me and say "That is such a bummer" or "that sucks" or anything.

He got mad at me for being sad. He growled loudly at me in the store. (I want to say he 'yelled' at me, but it wasn't really a yell, it was truly more of a growl.)

I am extremely emotionally fragile right now because of all that is going on; he is only 1 month sober, he is not living at home it is the holidays, we just had that big fight with him being unwilling to go to a morning meeting, it is my birthday and I am wanting a little gentleness and care. I didn't have it in me to have him attack me in public.

I left the store and booked it to the car.

Mr. M followed and we left.

We drove in silence to the beachside city where we were meeting the kids for my birthday bike ride.

We sat in the car in silence for almost the full 90 minutes until the kids arrived. We kind of pseudo made up right before they came. I will circle back around to the fight, but all 4 kids and wives, fiancees, and girlfriends came (except poor Girlie who is heartbroken she doesn't have a boy friend :(

It was absolutely GORGEOUS weather and we had a lovely ride.

Then we hightailed it down to my folks' house where we celebrated the engagement (Sweetie said "yes") with a little dessert party of about 35 people. Drummer and Sweetie gathered everyone around and told the story of how he did the surprise proposal... it was sweet and funny. Sweetie's dad gave a toast (non-alcoholic) and said a prayer (he is a pastor). It was a very nice evening. We stayed and cleaned up. It had been a LONG and full few days and I was wiped out.

But here is the thing,

EVERY SINGLE 'SPECIAL' DAY of mine, Mr. M ruins.

Birthday, Mother's Day, Anniversary, Valentine's.

He is a pretty nice and generous guy most of the time but on any day that might kind of be devoted to me, he is HORRIBLE and mean and LOOKING for a fight.

He says it is me. He says that I ruin every holiday of mine by having unrealistic expectations.

I have to look at that and ask myself if that is maybe right. And perhaps it is.

But I SWEAR he is meaner and ruder and more shame based than EVER. I feel like he is sure I have expectations that are unmeetable... that he is doomed to fail and comes in already ashamed and upset and almost creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I don't THINK I have unrealistic expectation. I mean heck, I am married to a freakin' alcoholic... how high do you think my expectations are???

I have 2 main "expectations" on my special days:

* A lot of times I like to do something with my whole family, if possible.

* I like Mr. to be NICE to me.

Yes, I like to go do something; a movie, a meal, shopping, bike riding...whatever... I am not picky about that... but whatever it is, please be NICE to me. But he just can't seem to do it.

So again, like always, another supposedly special day of mine was spent fighting and heartbroken. (This year I had already accepted that my birthday was about the engagement, not about me. I was DELIGHTED to get to do the birthday bike ride byt the beach and that ALL my kids would be there!!! But I still thought I could reasonably expect Mr. M to be nice to me.)

I believe it was Albert Einstein who said the definition of Insanity is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".

I think I need to make a different plan for my special days and NOT spend them with Mr. M. That makes me sad. I WANT to be with him and have a great day, but that is insanity. It is Lucy pulling away the football from Charlie Brown and him CONTINUING to give her another chance and another chance... yes, at first, shame on her... but at want point does it become "shame on him"? At what point does this become "shame on me"?