Friends

I just got an anonymous comment on an old post that I thought something she said was worth delving into.  She said "I have been married 20 years, and my husband has been a drunk for the past 8. The loneliness, loss of friends, financial meltdown, anxiety, and sense of rejection ...took their toll on me.  I tried to develop a circle of female friends but the ones I made ended up relocating."


I thought of friends -  same-sex friends - these are SUCH a huge part of recovery and healing and not being alone.  
I think SHAME can keep us from inviting others into our world.  I understand the embarrassment and the shame.  I understand we might want to protect our spouse from the negative opinions of others.  I used to tell myself that when he got sober and this was all "in the past", I didn't want people to judge him and not want to be friends with us.  (This was before I experienced Mr. M's recurring cycle of relapse... and that he might never actually BE sober for more than a few years here and a few years there... I deluded myself into thinking it would "end".  And hey, it still could, but it if the saying "The greatest indicator of future behavior is past behavior" is true, then it is MORE likely he will keep relapsing.)  Also, I was afraid people wouldn't want their kids to be friends with my kids or come over to our house.  I was afraid that people would judge ME since I was married to him... like we were ALL "alcoholic losers" (how I thought they would view us because so many people don't understand the disease).  AA has a saying that "You are only as sick as your secrets".  I deeply believe this and have tried to live by it for MOST of the last 24 years.  AA is an anonymous program -   Mr. M goes by his first name and last initial in the program.  Celebrities are not supposed to say they are in AA.  However, and might be a point of contention and many might disagree with me, and that's OK; I do not have to keep Mr. M's secrets.  He has abandoned us over and over again.  I have needed a lot of help over the years - financial, emotional, spiritual, physical.  If people didn't know our struggles, they wouldn't know I needed help.  I would suffer alone and so would my kids.  It has been EXTREMELY helpful to have people bring dinners for a couple weeks here and there.  One year people anonymous dropped Christmas at our doorstep (decorations, a tree, gift cards etc.).  People have done toilet paper and milk market runs for me when I was desperate.  I try to be kind and compassionate in how I present Mr. M's struggles.  I am after all still married to him and he IS my kids' dad.  I don't want to destroy him in everyone's eyes... I just try to let them in on our struggles.  I think it has been helpful to have the kids see people's love and care and compassion.
Yes, we HAVE been judged by some, I am sure.  And yes, I am sure some people probably DIDN'T let their kids come over to our house to play or spend the night.  But overall, I have mostly experienced GRACE and love from people.  Many are eager to understand the disease element and ask LOTS of good questions when I give them the chance.  (I ALWAYS point them to the Big Book of AA.)  I can't tell you how many spouses and parents and siblings and children of addicts have called me for help over the years.  Mostly, they don't love what I have to say... they want advice on how to fix their alcoholic.  (I try not to laugh!)  I always point them in the direction of Al-Anon.  Period.  They usually don't go.  That's ok.  They will when they get sick and tired of being sick and tired.


That is what I would tell anonymous; get to an al-anon meeting.  Period.  You will find life and friends in those rooms and yes, a few special people might move away, but the FELLOWSHIP can be your family and the Fellowship as a whole will not leave you.  You will begin to feel at home and "part of" in those rooms if you "keep coming back".


Friendships are invaluable. I have found SO MUCH LIFE in my friendships.  Laughter and community are life-giving.  We were not meant to suffer alone.
Mr. M keeps trying to convince me to move to the Caribbean with him.  This sounds glorious on so many levels.  But when I really think about it, I can't ever do it.  He is deluding himself by thinking if he pulls a "geographical", as the program calls it (moving to get away from yourself - never realizing that "wherever you go, there you are") things will suddenly be better.  He thinks living in a favorite vacation destination will mean he will have the peace and joy and rest he experiences on vacation, every single day of real life.  ("But Honey, you won't be on vacation... we will have to work and pay bills, and cook and clean...").  I can't leave because he is living in 'magical thinking'.  I also can't leave because I cannot leave my support system.  I cannot let him isolate me.  
Currently, I walk 3-5 miles almost every day with a friend: ML & KD on mondays, DH on tuesdays, DP on wednesdays, JD on thursdays, SA on fridays, KB on the weekends occasionally.  These are not mindless chatting walks... these are wonderful, high-caliber friends who are honest and real and full of love and wisdom.  Most of them have been through deep personal struggles from a cheating husband to a child getting assaulted to children struggling with mental illness etc.  Two of them are therapists (getting their masters and hours in mid-life).  All are great listeners and honest share-ers.
I am in a Bible study group 1x a week with earnest, loving, honest women.
I am in a "whole hearted" group 1x a month with another group of women; pastors' wives, therapists, authors, speakers - all of whom have known DEEP pain.
I have different levels of connectedness to each of them but I value every one.
I will not let Mr. M take that away from me.
I choose to not live in fantasy... "reality is my friend" (as one of my therapist friends would say).  And reality is that I cannot trust my husband enough to leave my support system right now - if ever. 


I KNOW friendships can be painful and we can sometimes be bitterly disappointed when people let us down.  (One of my longest & dearest friends seems to always be in crisis when I am having big family moments.  For example, she missed Hacker's wedding and she just missed Bub's graduation party.  She let me down and that is tremendously sad.  At the same time, I know she loves me the best she knows how and I also know that she would give me the shirt off her back, even if it harmed her.  But she is a HUMAN and she is flawed - as am I - and she WILL let me down... and sadly, I will let her down.)  But it is STILL worth investing in and continuing to pursue.  We were created to do life together.  So Anonymous, don't give up. And get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting.  And then another one.  And then another one...

Me #2 (Collecting Friends)

I think I collect & hoard friends the way I hoard stationary.

I LOVE friends.

I need them.

I care about them.

I want LOTS of them.

More than I probably need.

I get my feelings hurt when I am not included in something... even if it is something I don't even want to do.

I want people to like me and want me and need me and think I am fabulous and thoughtful and great... I want them to invite me

to do things and share their hearts with me and let me in to their innermost circle.

I am limited.

There is only one of me.

I only have so much to offer: I have a lot of kids who need me, a job, an alcoholic husband, and a life in mini-crisis almost all the time.

But I want to have them all in my life like a doll collection on a shelf so I can count them... like friends on myspace or facebook.

Therapy Day (2 days after) 6.12.08

I need to write right after therapy or I forget everything.

My therapist is GONE next week!!! I have been WANTING a break. And yet I am SO sad he is gone and I have to miss a week. Where is he going? What is he doing? Vacation? Going somewhere? Or just staying home with the new baby? I know NOTHING about him and his life.

We actually spent some time addressing that.

We talked about how I need money (collect it - in a pile) and how I collect friends (in a pile?). And how I need to hook people in to needing me (so they won't leave me). I am a good listener. I want people to want to tell me everything and depend on me. I want to be funny and entertaining and delightful and ____________. So they will want to keep me around. My therapist asked me how I do that in therapy (how does that come out in my relationship with him?)

I told him that I don't know anything about him... I offer him nothing. I am not funny or delightful. I probably just try to be the best therapy "patient" in the world. Maybe by crying or working really hard and facing my shit etc. So he will think I am really super great.

And each week, when I leave, there is a hatchet-faced lady in the waiting room waiting for her turn to see him. I don't like her. I had to leave because SHE wants to come in. I want to give her the "stink eye" when I walk out. (I have less a problem with people leaving so I can some in... I am some how OK with that because they are vacating so I can enter... but I have an issue with me having to leave so SHE can come in... yep... I don't like her.)

Therapy Day 4.29.08

I want to have an affair.

This has nothing to do with therapy.

It came upon me later in the afternoon.

Perhaps it is because of all the stuff I am working on in therapy that is bringing up to compulsion to be out of this alcoholic marriage and be in a relationship with someone: the Coach, Mr. M's friend P, Soccer friend J, men on Match.com, and I am sure there are others.

I am envisioning tousling their hair and joking with them and having a nice, peaceful life.

(For the record - even though there IS no "record" - I really don't want to destroy someone's marriage and family and life, so I really would not have an affair with a married man... it's just that I want to BE a wife and BE married and so married men look just like what I want, but of course any man who cheats on his wife is not a man I'd want.)

Anyhow, my friend T told me something today she has wanted to tell me for YEARS... she felt like she could finally tell me because I am in therapy and will not take it personally... YIKES! What does that say about how I have been???

Speaking of therapy, I felt sad and anxious today and it took me a while to GO there and sit there and FEEL it. In the end, it was all about Mr. M again/still. And it was also about how much I want people to like me and accept me and want to be around me and how I can't open up and let myself out and people in... I just want to "collect" friends (the way i do with stationary (hoarding). And then I talked about how I want to (but don't usually) push people to see if they will abandon me or cave in or be too weak to handle me. And so I told Dr. (Greg? Therapist? What do I call him?) that I don't think I push him because I don't want to know if he will cave in. He said he thinks I push him by not wanting the session to end. I can't decide how I feel about that. I have mixed feelings: anger, hurt, embarrassment, shame. I am angry because it is his job to know when the session ends and starts, not mine and so I count on him to end it when he needs to. I am uncertain because IS that a way I push him??? I don't think so... but maybe a little bit because I want him to care enough to make an exception? But if he made an exception, I think I would view that as caving in? Of course, hurt and embarrassed because that is how he sees me and I do not want to be seen that way.