Ripping Off The Bandaid

Still slogging through this issue with Dr. (my therapist).
Last session we just sat and stared at each other - not literally, but we focused on me not wanting to focus on what I want to avoid.
I felt like when I was a child and my parents said I had to either choke down 3 bites of lima beans or sit at the table all night.  Either choice is desperately painful but you are a kid and power less and at the mercy of someone else's power.
Dr. asked if I felt like HE was the mean parent forcing that.
I didn't THINK so... I was aware that I was choosing to stay focused on the discomfort.  But I still felt caught between a rock and a hard place and either choice felt dooming.
He said we could come "around the corner" and look at whatever it was together. That word "together" seemed so foreign and out of plan to me... together???  No... I would come around the corner alone and uncover it alone and show him alone.  So he said "So you think I will not be there with you."
But this wasn't true either.  I thought I would be showing him, so he would BE there... but he would not come to it WITH me and it was not a "together" thing... I would be alone showing him.
At the end of the session, he asked if I just wanted to rip the bandaid off and tell him.
I said No Way.  My session was over and I couldn't open that can of worms and then LEAVE.  He said "Oh, so there is a tipping point in the session where if it doesn't come out by then, it isn't coming out."  And I acknowledged that yes, if it is not out by the half way point, it is not coming out.  (So many rules I make up in my own mind! :)
But so interesting that this makes sense as an 'absolute' in my brain... just realizing that this means (and says it very boldly) that I don't want to tell him and then dash out... I NEED him to process it with me before I leave... more "I need him"... AWKWARD!

Anyhow, so I got him and wrote up the issue and sent it to him.
(Now mind you you YOU know about it... I have written it.  Several in-person friends know about it... but because it is about HIM, I cannot talk to HIM about it.)  Here is what I wrote:

This is a bit of a “stream of consciousness” because I tried not to censor and just let it flow, so it is a bit rambling:

It wall started when as I was leaving your office and Mr M's surgery was the next day you asked "Are you asking me for something?” in response to something I said.

I came home and journaled about WHY that triggered such embarrassment and shame.

While journaling, I had to stop and cry because of the feelings it brought up. 

Then later, when walking with my friend and telling her about it, she suggested that if it were her, she would’ve felt like YES!, she DID want something.  She would’ve wanted you to go with her to the surgery and hold her hand and “be with” her. 

I wouldn’t even THINK to ask, expect, or hope for that, but when she said it, I had a wave of wanting to cry… so it resonated with me. 

{SIDE NOTE –but in the same vein: When I brought it up to you, you said that when you asked me if I was asking you for something, you felt like I needed a hug.  That is the second time you have said that to me… once was a long time ago, near the beginning of me seeing you.

That is one of those things I was talking about in session where I hear something and nod “uh huh” but don’t ask the question(s) that might seem obvious to others to ask.

“What are you seeing that makes it seem like I need a hug?”

and

“What if that was accurate and I DID need a hug?”}

What all this has tapped into for me is NEED and dependence.

I think I AM asking for something.

I am not even sure what, but I know this oversteps bounds – bounds that I have intrinsically “known” my whole life – by needing or wanting too much; what is not available or appropriate to ask for.

I think I started to tap into it a little even before all this when I told you that when I drove up near your office at other times than therapy I had started to feel attachment to you… I experienced it as “missing” you (because it felt like it had a little grief element to it because I wasn’t seeing you until next Tuesday).

So if I AM asking you for something, that is embarrassing because I am already getting all that I can reasonably expect.  Plus, it is not polite to ask for something that is not available and might make someone else (you) uncomfortable.

If I DO need you or AM dependent on you, that is a tiny bit more fine with me, internally (NOT if I express it to you!!!) but I understand the ‘rules’ that I will keep it to myself, because again, that is embarrassing because I am already getting all that I should reasonably ask or expect.

And if I DID actually need a hug – I can’t even GET that far to know if I did/do or not… but to even think, “what IF I did?” – that is embarrassing because that is not available or appropriate.

Another side note: A friend asked if this is because I am actually experiencing need/dependence/attachment as “attraction” and that is why I am embarrassed or feel like it is inappropriate.  I don’t think that is how I am experiencing it because I don’t think I feel attracted to you in that way.   It feels pretty clear to me that I could equally be experiencing this need/dependence/attachment with a man or woman and I would feel equally uncomfortable and inappropriate.  (I mean I guess there is an added element of perceived inappropriateness I would want to protect myself from because you are a man and someone else could easily misunderstand what I mean.)  But on my end it is about need and attachment and dependence and my embarrassment over my need and that I am asking/wanting/needing too much.  That I am breaking rules.  So many things.

I am even embarrassed reading back over this because it seems trivial and it seems like a lot of naval gazing (more shame and embarrassment), BUT it obviously ISN’T trivial and is deep for me.

And in thinking about it, I really DON’T think I felt “forced” by you into leaning into this.  I agreed to because I wanted to (as much as, or more than, I didn’t want to).  I don’t think I was protecting myself from being angry with you.  I could be wrong and I know I would definitely DO that, but I don’t think I am in this particular case.

So there it is and I am glad I am not seeing you for 2 weeks :/

He replied back:

"You are a brave one and I agree that you wanted this for yourself.  I'm glad you have opened the door to such honesty within yourself and I'm looking forward to getting in there with you."  

Today is my first session since I sent this (and received his response).

I go in an hour.

 I am SICK with anxiety.

I want to just go in and talk about a few parenting struggles and marriage issues I am having.

I want to call in sick.

I want to pretend I forgot it was Tuesday because of the holiday and just not go.

I want to quit permanently.

ANYTHING but this.  ANYTHING.

I am sick.

I have a stomach ache.  My heart is racing.  I want a xanax or a drink or something to calm these feelings.  (Interesting side note for me to pay attention to:  I do not want to EAT to soothe myself like I normally do... I will want to eat a LOT after the session... that will be my comfort and/or reward after, but right now, I have a stomach ache and I want to anesthetize with "MEDICINE".)

I am going.

I will have to talk about it.

I am sick about it.

I will live.

... at least that is what I am telling myself... but the way I am feeling, it doesn't seem like I actually believe that...

Therapy Day 12-20

I didn't cry in therapy day but I should have.

I had feelings come up but I didn't want to go there and Dr. didn't push. I don't know if he didn't notice and see or if he was being 'easy' on me cuz he could tell I didn't want to go there and I had a flat tire and he didn't want to push me over the edge.

I am embarrassed to tell you that while turning into the parking lot for therapy, I turned too early (to quickly get out of fast moving traffic) and hit the curb with my front tire. This scared me and obviously harmed the car and I was still in the road with my rear hanging out in fast-moving traffic, so I just kept going and so also slammed the back tire into the curb too. (In my defense, I thought I had cleared the curb and didn't think that my rear wheel would hit it, plus, I was freaked out.) I hobbled into my parking spot and got out to check. Sure enough a BIG HOLE in my tire and completely & utterly & hopelessly flat. I could see any obvious other things wrong like bent rims etc. I do not realize to check the rear tire though.

I called Mr. M... he mocked me a little. He said to call after therapy. He had a job to do and maybe we would both be done around the same time and could figure out a solution together.

Back story - when Mr. M was DEEP in the drink, I had take my car to get the tires rotated and the alignment done (I get really proactive and "fixy" when I am in crisis... trying to order my world in weird wasy). They asked about the "key" to get our lug nuts off. I had never heard of this (this is Mr. M's arena). They found it and all was fine. Except last week the mechanic said they couldn't fine the key... the tire people hadn't put it back. I called them.. of course, they didn't have it and had NO IDEA what I was talking about. So I have been procrastinating on going to the dealership to GET the freakin' key! So OF COURSE now I have a flat tire and can't change it without the key!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (And the nearest dealership - also of course - doesn't have one, so we have to go to a much further one.)

I go into therapy and Dr empathizes with me and how difficult this is.

Weirdly, I say, it is not that tough. It feels just like a normal (albeit frustrating) life circumstance. Because Mr. M is sober and can help me, I do not have to do it alone... we are a team and it's gonna be a pain in the ass, but it is just a little annoyance in the scope of life.

On the other hand, if Mr M was drunk and I was alone, this would probably put me over the edge (interesting food for though for me later). I would be devastated, overwhelmed and would feel my aloneness profoundly.

And yes, thinking about how I am a hair's breadth away from that being the case RIGHT NOW, that is a scary place to always live: if I call Mr. M for help right now, will he be drunk or sober? Will he be in any condition to care about someone besides himself? Will he be ABLE to help me or will I be alone?

Relaying the entire above paragraph to Dr. had me where I could've been in tears in a millisecond. I was feeling it. (WHY don't I let myself GO there??????? That is the whole stinkin' POINT, for land's sake! - I am so disappointed.)

That's all I wanted to say.

Except I WILL add that the rear tire had a huge hole in it too and Mr. M thought that was just hilarious. He called later in the night and said his pals at the AA meeting all wanted to pass on their admiration at my commitment to following through! (HAHAHA! Thanks a LOT guys!)

So after waiting for three ours for my little sister to run to the further dealership for the key and for Mr. M to finally get there, I STILL ended up having to call a tow truck because we only have ONE spare :/

And on top of that, it had to be a flat bed type which takes longer.

And by the time we got there, the tire place was closed, so we still have to deal with it in the morning. So, not over yet.

But it was sooooooooooooo nice to have Mr. M there and to do it together and to be able to have help and not be alone.

Does that make me WEAK for enjoying it so much?

Should I be more self-sufficient?

(Because these are the judgmental things my inner critic scolds me with.)

Playing With Fire

I have been in a kind of fantasy-denial for the last week or so.

This blog is a good friend to me when I am hurting and lonely and scared... but when I am feeling ok or (dare I say) good or just in denial and WISHING I felt that way, I turn my back on this friend who is a reminder of painful times I don't want to remember.

Mr. M had 3 weeks sober on monday.

This is fine.

I mean, all ANYONE has is one day, right?

3-6 weeks is Mr. M's typical relapse cycle (putting us right around Christmas for his next falling off the wagon episode).

But he is so hopeful, so committed, so excited about his sobriety, I DEEPLY want to believe it too and so I have been living as if I do.

(He is doing "90 meetings in 90 days" and calling program people all throughout the day. He is calling his sponsor and working his steps. He is working and going to the gym. He is cheerful - mostly - and hopeful. He is him at his best.)

In light of that, I have been letting him come over every day. We went Christmas shopping together. He has helped with Dr. appointments for the kids and errand running. I was out of milk and having 'guilty mom syndrome'. He called at 10PM, after his meeting, saying he had gotten milk and could he bring it by! He set rat traps when I heard scurrying in the attic. He decorated for christmas when I was out at a party. He filled the fountain and moped the floors. (And yes, we have had *ahem* a couple conjugal visits.)

My life is easier when he is sober.

I am not alone for 10 minutes.

I so want it to be real.

I SO want to lean into it.

[OH! Writing this reminds me that I have to remember what my therapist said this week about that... something like maybe I can't handle it and am not ready for it??? and bring it up again to Dr. next week.]

So I have been "enjoying" it and just indulging for a little bit.

But then my "other man" flirtation surfaced (I haven't mentioned it for a zillion reasons: I want to pretend it is nothing, I am embarrassed and ashamed, Even though this is anonymous, I am still so afraid of being discovered)... and I have been fixated on that instead of fixating on Mr. M and his drinking.

I have SO many things to say about this subject:

I am 41 and this person is 58 - This means he is too old for me.

He is married - and this means he is MARRIED... and even if some of my behavior makes this seem questionable, marriage means something to me. (I mean My GOD, I have fought for 23+ years to keep my sham of a marriage in tact, I am not ABOUT to be a party to destroying someone else's!)

I am not that attracted to him.

That said, here's the thing:

I am super vulnerable.

I am deeply needy.

I am ACHING to have someone take care of me (and he is wealthy - more on that in a minute).

I am longing to have someone desire me.

So PLEASE GOD, rescue me from myself... I am TIRED of being the grown up. Can HE please be the grown up and do the right thing??? (I found myself praying for his marriage today, that he would only have eyes for her... that their love would be kindled, that their marriage would be protected.)

I have been having a kind of "fun" time playing with this flirtation... It is a delightful distraction from my pain and loss. Plus, I am telling myself it is just a little harmless fun on both our parts. I mean, we only usually see each other once a year for our annual lunch to talk business and catch up. This year we didn't need to at all but he told his assistant to schedule it and she said he just liked spending time with me!

So we HAD our lunch.

We drank wine, yummy, expensive wine (he treated... normally I would because he is my client). I know nothing about wines, he does... he was excited to share that with me and be the expert and teach me.

I had a tad to much and was a little flushed and wobbly as we left.

He loves to do the polite hug and kiss goodbye (on the lips! - SOOOO not what I would ever do!). Only this time, he pulled me up against him so that I was fully pressed up against him and planted one on me. I backed away and thanked him for lunch and that was it.

But then he texted me later.

He asked a couple more questions. He said they might require another lunch. I agreed. (UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) He asked if we could do it the next week to "kick off thanksgiving week" (Really?!) I said sure. (What the heck?)

More wine. More yummy food. More laughing and conversation. Yes, he has said that his marriage lacks intimacy and connection and they have talked about splitting up. He said lunch with me is the only time he does something nice for himself... like a little vacation.

When lunch was over, he asked me to drive him to his car. I did (again, flushed with too much wine at lunch! - and enjoying the feeling... I am normally SUCH a good girl and this was ALL so naughty and I am embarrassed and sad to say I was enjoying it). When he was getting out he leaned in to hug me and he kissed me and he PUT HIS HAND UP BEHIND MY HEAD AND KISSED ME AGAIN... I pulled away... he kind of smiled as he got out of the car and said "Delicious"! (GULP!) He called me after to tell me something and then it all kind of faded away. Mr. M got a few days sober. I put it behind me and *phew* I didn't have to think about it until next year.

Until we had to email about something for business.

Then I told him I was having trouble finding wine as yummy as we had tasted (true, but unnecessary to say) and asked for a recommendation.

He said it was the excitement and the company that made it so good and suggested we "meet" again.

I said sure.

He said FRIDAY (in 2 days from now). I said that it probably won't work until after the new year. (I am terrified AND I don't want to be over-eager AND I truly am a good girl and don't want to do anything "really bad" - as if this isn't all bad enough! And, I kind of like that I am aloof and have the illusion of being in control of SOMEfreakingTHING in my life).

EMAIL/HIM: You need to find some time for me in your busy schedule!

EMAIL/ME: hahaha! What can I say, I'm in high demand! :)

EMAIL/HIM (after a few more exchanges where he asks if I am on my way over and I respond "I wish"): You’re making this a lot more complicated than it needs to be you know :)

So thankfully, I dodged that bullet for now... but he is a 58 year old man who knows what he wants (although I THINK - and really, what the heck do I know??? - he is a "good boy" and a rule-follower who is just having fun "playing with fire" too) and is more firmly going after it. But he is not going out TOO much on a limb.

Anyhow, it is all very fun and enticing, and distracting - and I am über-vulnerable.

So over the last 2 days I have been feeling more ANGRY with Mr. M. I am feeling less in denial. I am feeling more TIRED and hurt. I am wanting more distance.

But why can't I do this just because I am worth it and have value?

Why do I need some fake/fantasy flirtation with an OLD married guy to give me false strength to back away from Mr. M?

(And I would NEVER want to hurt this guy's wife and grown children... even if I was utterly selfish and immoral, I couldn't live with myself - GOD, I hope that is true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I CANNOT minimize the role this man's MONEY plays in the equation.

He is not bad looking.

He is smart and had many good qualities.

I am not really that attracted to him... but the idea of security of his income and that lifestyle are HUGELY appealing to me.

Not from a "gold-digger" standpoint but from a safety and security and comfort and being cared for and taken care of perspective... To think I wouldn't have to live in constant terror and could REST. My goodness, that is a turn on!

He is looking for things that I can provide and I am looking for things he can provide.

(Although truthfully, as Dr. oh so sagely pointed out - how safe and secure and rest-filled would I really ever be able to feel with a man who could up and leave his wife? If he did it once, he could do it again.)

Over these weeks, I have also been looking on dating websites and am vacillating between exhilaration, terror, and nausea.

What if someone won't love me?

What if I end up alone and Mr. was my only chance at love?

What if I end up with someone worse???

Mr M - abandoning as he is - love me even if I have gained weight, grown a few chin hars, have acne, get crabby at PMS time, etc... I can be a handful... maybe I would not be worth it to someone else?

So this is clearly bringing up a LOT of issues in me.

Honestly, I think very little of it is about Mr. M... it all says a LOT more about ME and my lack of belief in my worth and value, about my deepest fears, about how much I attach to money.

I am not making any rash decisions or moves, but I AM very very very vulnerable and that can be good or bad depending on the circumstances that happen to me and the choices I make.

God, please protect me from myself.

Therapy update

I am still seeing "Dr." who I used to write about each week. I SHOULD start writing weekly updates again to chronicle my journey for myself. (If I ever go back and read them, it is SOOO interesting to me to see where I was and what I was learning - a blog is just a journal posted online... even if no one else reads it, it is a record of our journeys, for ourselves.)

I took a break from therapy for a few moths due to financial reasons - we had a LARGE tax bill due in April and needed to scale back to get that paid. When we recouped, I started therapy again. The timing was perfect in that Mr. M relapsed about 2 weeks before I started again... it has been a lifeline to sanity to have a healthy, balanced person with whom to process.

Much of what I blog about probably comes straight out of stuff I am working on in therapy. One of the main things being to just ALLOW myself to be where I am... to be sad, to be mad, to be heartbroken, to grieve etc.

I didn't realize quite how much I make up all these rules to follow.

I have to kind of chuckle (a sad chuckle because it is not "haha" funny, but it is interesting funny) when I think back to when Hacker was in 1st grade. He was at a small private school that did not have uniforms but the boys had to wear slacks and a collared shirt. Hacker usually wore "polo" style collared shirts but one day I gave him a shirt that buttoned all the way up from the bottom. "Oh, mom, we are not allowed to wear this kind of shirt," Hacker told me. I assured him that he WAS allowed. He was fairly certain he was not. We went back and forth a few times and I eventually said "Sweetie, there are plenty of rules in life and in your school - you don't need to MAKE UP rules to follow!" I thought this was HILARIOUS that he was not just a "rule follower" but so much so that he created rules that MIGHT exist to follow. I wondered WHERE he got this?!

I remember some friends who live in Singapore doing a similar thing. Chewing gum is illegal in Singapore (I think due to littering prevention). One of our friends brought some gum home from America for his family to chew in their home. The wife gasped with horror that her husband was bringing this bootleg contraband into their home. He told her is was not illegal to own and chew gum in their country, in their home... it was only illegal in public. She was not so sure about that... she was pretty confident that NO, it was illegal in any form in any place. Again, there are plenty of real rules, but in our fear and pleasing, we sometimes invent and follow extra unnecessary rules.

All this brings me back to me, all these years later. Well, I darn well know where Hacker got this! I came to see that I was not the rebel I thought I was. I too have rules I make up to follow.

I have all sorts of rules around Mr. M's drinking and m behaviors & responses that I didn't even realize I have. For example, in this latest go around, I decided not to have Mr. M join us for Thanksgiving. It was HARD but I thought it was a realistic consequence, given his choices. Then the next day, I heard a RAT running around above my head in the attic and when Mr. M offered to come take care of it, I gratefully said "yes". I felt bad doing this because my RULE said that I needed to be consistent. I am not allowed to hug him and kiss him and have him come over and hug me on wednesday only to say I am feeling angry and sad on thursday and don't feel like seeing him. I have rules that say I have to pick a position and stay with it. Why??? I'm not sure... because I don't want to send wishy-washy messages? Or maybe because I feel like if I am inconsistent that will make him confused and sad and cause him to drink (as if anything *I* say or do actually causes him to drink! - My grandiosity thinking I am not powerless and that my life is manageable).

I feel like I sound like a crazy person letting Mr. M come over one day and then NOT letting him the next. Dr. is so validating though. He says that I am honoring myself and listening to what I need. As long as I am just listening to my needs and being nice to myself, he thinks it is healthy. If I have MOTIVES though (like to punish him or teach him or send him a message), then it is a different ball game and he would want to explore that. On the flip side, he says Mr. M gets to also be "wishy washy" and decide if HE feels like he wants to come over and kill the rat or not. Maybe he WILL do it, but tomorrow and not get up out of his cozy bed when he is already hunkered down for the evening. Mr. M functions out of a lot of guilt and shame and "owing"... he has a really tough time saying "no" to me when he is sober because he feels like he has hurt me so badly he owes it to me to set no boundaries and has to do anything I want. I am sure in our younger years I perpetuated that and completely agreed that he DID owe me... but this is a tough one, because how long does he owe me and how much? Can he ever repay his debt? etc. - If I am going to "forgive" him and stay with him, I feel like I actually need to forgive him and stay with him... but is that just another one of my "rules" I made up??? - I am still learning!!!

I think it is more about - If I am sad then I am sad and I can express my sadness. I might want to cry and tell him how much sadness this has caused me. If I am feeling mad and don't feel like being around him then that is an OK boundary to set. Likewise, HE needs to be responsible for himself and what he can handle... for example, he needs to honor himself and believe HE is worthy of that... so if he is not in a place to be able to HEAR my sadness right then, he doesn't "owe" it to me to listen right then. He might need to say "I am feeling overwhelmed right now and I don't feel like now is a good time for me to listen to your feelings... can we do this tomorrow?". We both need to be grown-ups and be responsible for ourselves.

I am glad he has started therapy too so at least it isn't like I am speaking Greek to him! We are both kind of of the same page speaking mostly the same language.

Midnight Fight 2

To read "Midnight Fight part 1" click here.

Mr. M and I seem to have a propensity for fighting in the wee hours. I am not sure if 6:30AM will qualify for most of you as "wee" hours or "midnight", but trust me, in Mr. M's world, it is kinda.

So Bub comes in to the room and asks me to email/contact his Chem teacher because she has misplaced an assignment of his and it is affecting his grade. He has tried to deal with it and has gotten no resolution. I am a BIG advocate of allowing kids to work through their own struggles, but I am also a realist and I have SEEN how crappily some adults can treat kids (this brings to mind the VP in Breakfast Club - which we just watched last night because Girlie has been DYING to see it and we wanted her to have adult supervision because it IS Rated R and we couldn't really remember which parts were bad!). Anyhow, I groggily told Bub that yes, I would connect with the teacher. (I was just waking up, because that's how I roll... my kid has to be in his desk by 6:55AM and I wake up to holler "good bye".)

Mr. M, sound asleep next to me - so I thought - grumbles to life (why does he always pick such inopportune moments to sleep lightly???). "NO! You need to handle this yourself!"

"I tried, Dad."

"Well, try again. Don't make your Mom do it. Don't be a PUSSY."

At this point, I intervene because I don't like my son to be called names and I think I might have a special distaste for the name "pussy" (but when I try to reflect on which names I WOULD be OK with my kids being called, none really come to mind).

I kind of tap him to 'shush' him.

But he keeps it up and so I do it again.

Now please keep in mind, he is NEVER awake until 9 or 9:30, so I am utterly unsure how to handle this surly, hardly awake parental intruder making a rare, fabled appearance.

So he turns his rage on me "STOP TAPPING AND SHUSHING ME!!!!!!" he bellows.

Bub leaves for school and Mr. M unleashes a torrent of anger in my direction. I am caught off guard because it is so early and he is out-of-control angry. So I muster an IMMENSE amount of self-control (in my humble opinion) and let him continue his tirade and I do not really engage him... believing he will peter out and go to sleep. (I am meanwhile processing: he is one of the parents, so I shouldn't probably "shush" him, but I don't like him calling our son a pussy, so how does one appropriately handle this, etc.). He eventually DOES peter out harumphs over onto his side, grabbing a fistful of covers and dragging them with him. I relax and let down my guard and celebrate that sometimes a fight not entered into is a fight won! *sigh*

However, I spoke too soon.

Mr. M rolled back over in full-throttle lecturing mode "AND ANOTHER THING..." he roared. And that is all he got out of his mouth before I snapped. I am not proud of it (in fact I am rather embarrassed) but I simply snapped. I smacked him in the face. There is no way to make this sound even remotely OK, because it wasn't. I will say, to add a TINY bit of clarification that I meant to smack his cheek and kind of pull up short (again I KNOW this is not OK and I am not justifying it, just clarifying my intentions). It so happens thought that he turned into my slap (obviously having NO CLUE that it was coming!) so I instead thwacked him over the bridge of his nose. He did not react well to this assault.

He LEAPT from the bed and went a little berserk (deservedly so). He flung books off the book case, he pulled shelves down, he may or may not have thrown a lamp. All the while a profusion of curse words hurtling from his spittle flecked lips.

Bub had left for school. Drummer is off at college. Hacker hasn't lived here for years. So poor Girlie alone was witness to the mayhem and through our closed bedroom door, so she HEARD it all and did not see it. I came out and said goodbye to her as she left for school and I was kind of turned away, hiding my face because I guess I did not want her to see me crying??? (Yeah, cuz the rest of it is all OK.)

Shortly thereafter, I apologized to Mr. M for hitting him. He apologized for freaking out and destroying the bedroom (which he promptly cleaned up). We made up and life was good.

Later in the afternoon, Girlie called to confirm "Mom? Can you still take me and my friends to the mall?"

"Yes Sweetie. I committed to you and I am still planning on it."

"OK"

I took them to the mall, they shopped for their school costume day. Life goes on.

It was about a week later that my appointment with Dr. came (yes, I am STILL seeing him). I sat down and proceeded to tell him about our fight fight and though, while it was ugly, we resolved it pretty quickly and well. And then I realized (with no prompting from Dr., I am proud to say) that I had never debriefed with Girlie.

So although a week had passed, when she got home from school, I brought it up. "We never talked about how you felt about that fight... if you were scared or upset..."

Large tears began rolling down her face.

YES!, she was upset.

YES!, she was scared.

I don't know if kids who grew up in an alcoholic home hate it more than kids from non-alcoholic homes, but she hates it when we fight.

So we talk about her feelings and I listen to her and I feel badly that she has been carrying this around for a week... poor little thing.

Then I feel obligated to tell her that while yes, Dad freaked out and crashed the whole bedroom, it was not entirely his fault. I am not eager to share my ugliness (I am embarrassed), however neither do I think it is acceptable for Mr. M to always be the out-of-control bad guy (even though that is WAY better for my martyr self-image). I tell her that I smacked him across the face.

"YOU hit HIM???" She is flabbergasted "I thought HE hit YOU!"

So she had heard the smack and then him cursing and slamming around.

Then I came out to say goodbye and turned my face away... she thought it was to hide where he had hit me... which is why she had called that afternoon to confirm that I could actually still take them (truth be told, Mr. M actually DID have the teeniest black eye - ACK!). So I had to admit to my daughter that it had not been her Dad who had hit, but her MOM. No, Daddy has NEVER hit Mommy. Yes, he is an alcoholic and yes, we have a LOT of dysfunction (and obviously, anger issues), but no, dad has never hit mom.

She was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO relieved. And I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad I had remembered to talk about it with her even a full week later.

I am hoping there will not have to be another entry entitled "Midnight Fight 3", but my guess is there will be.

The Diet - Part 2 and update

Well, it has been MONTHS since my last update and the beginning of our diets.

We eventually adjusted to our crabbiness and settled into the routine. We ate healthier and made wiser eating choices. I continued walking around the lake (3 miles) 5 days a week. My caffeine reduction did NOT go so well and I am still clinging to my full-fledged addiction.

I have lost around 30 lbs. and have about 25 to go. I am already MUCH happier with how I look! Mr. M is down to 222 lbs. and does not want to lose any more. He just wants to keep lifting weights and getting BIGGER at the gym.

We went on a 2 week family vacation at the start of summer and I utterly and entirely did not watch a THING I ate (well, except to WATCH it go INTO MY MOUTH!!!). I did not gain anything back, thankfully, but I sure as heck did not lose. We have been back 3 weeks now and I am having trouble getting back into the swing of things... it is REALLY hard. Again, I am not gaining, but I'm not losing. I have been good the last 3 days or so. Hoping I will have more discipline. I am hoping by Christmas I will be where I want to be. (That seems a LONG way off!)

HOW ARE WE DOING IT? - calorie counting pure and simple.

Eat less, move more.

Calories in/calories out.

Less input/more output.

I get 1500 calories per day.

Mr. M gets 2400 calories per day.

Update on our Fam:

Mr. M is still progressing nicely in his sobriety.

He has 16 months.

It is not perfect.

I still get very fearful and suspicious and controlling.

Drummer had his birthday party and we had 40 old teens/young adults over and Mr. M disappeared and didn't tell me where he was going (at 10PM). He sauntered back in a little bit later and I was a little panicky and accusatory. He was ashamed, hurt and pissed so he did not comfort me or assuage my fears. He acted all cavalier and like I was over-reacting and "what's the big deal". this was all SUCH old behavior and did nothing to quell my fears. We were able to talk it out and work through it and he admitted he was ashamed and embarrassed and wished he could go to the store without me freaking out... but he realizes it is HIS past behavior that puts us in that position. Blah blah blah. We shall see, you know? In the meantime, I am powerless over Mr. M and my life is unmanageable.

I am still in therapy and I STILL feel like I am growing and making progress... so as long as that is true, I will keep going.

The kids are doing well.

Hacker is planning a mission trip for several months to Africa.

Drummer is getting ready to head off to college *sniff sniff*.

Bub is about to get his driver's license.

Girlie is an emotional roller coaster - teenage girls... CRAZY!!!

xo

A New Behavior PART 1

I am trying new things and they are HARD & scary, but true.

LOOOOOONNG story short (or - I just went back and re-read my whole post and actually maybe "long story LONG"):

Bub was due to get his driving permit.

He had done all his part to be ready.

I needed to do my part.

I forgot to sign him up and pay for the behind-the-wheel classes - and you need to have proof of this BEFORE taking the permit test.

I realized this the night before the test at 8PM.

I should have just apologized and told him we would reschedule.

But I didn't want to do that, so I picked up the phone and called a relative who is a driving instructor for a living. He rushed over and gave us the certificate (so thoughtful and kind).

Problem solved.

Bub got his permit and all was happy.

NOT.

The relative I called has some ISSUES.

We have not let him be around out kids for some time (especially Bub) because we think he is secretly not only gay, but a bit of a pedophile.

***********************

LET ME CLARIFY several things before I move ahead with the story.

#1 - I say "secretly gay" because he is married and not open and up front about being gay.

I actually think he is in denial and has not admitted it even to himself.

#2 - I understand that one can be hetero or gay and be a pedophile and one can be hetero or gay and NOT be a pedohile.

I am just clarifying that in THIS particular case, I believe this relative is likely gay AND a pedophile.

#3 - For purpose of clarity, I said "bit" of a pedophile because I am not SURE and I hate to accuse, but here are my thoughts:

He doesn't seem attracted to LITTLE LITTLE kids, but rather young pubescent boys (12-16).

I do not know that he has ever acted on it.

But he seems to have an intense attraction (he gravitates toward and bonds with this age group overtly)... which does not make someone a pedophile.

However, his wife found 13 bookmarked "twink" porn sites (young, underage appearing, bald/shaved male porn) on his computer. AND his intense friendships with boys AND accusations - later taken back, but HELLO?, still initially accused - of a little inappropriate behavior with young teen boys in a home where he once lived.

****************************************************

So - and I HATE admitting this - I guess I USED this relative to get what I wanted & needed with no thought to his needs and feelings. I selfishly called him and he lovingly responded and met my need.

Then he knew Bub was taking classes and, of course, planned to be the one to teach him.

3 two-hour sessions alone in the car together.

Now I feel guilty.

I called him.

I shouldn't have, but I did.

He didn't call me.

He didn't ask.

I did.

So I dragged him in to this to get MY needs met and now I want to say "NO, pervert. You can't drive my son."

That seems so mean and heartless that I think I need to let my son drive with him... after all I owe that to him, right???

Well, that doesn't seem right either? Sacrifice my son and just HOPE everything is OK because I made a selfish mistake and called him???

It HURTS and is humiliating to admit to myself and to you that I only thought of myself and my selfish needs to make my kids happy.

Anyhow, Bub got his permit.

But then Uncle wanted to do the first driving lesson.

I scheduled lesson on a Sunday, Uncle's day off. ("Sorry, that was the only day that would work.")

Uncle reworked schedule to be able to be the one to take Bub... I don't think in a predatory way, just to be nice (and he IS a great driver).

So what do I do?

Do I let Bub go with him or do I say "Sorry, I made a mistake, I am a terrible person"?

My folks both said something along the lines of: "Oh, nothing will probably happen, you should let Bub drive with Uncle"... no one wants to hurt Uncle's feelings (wonder where I got it?? That dysfunctional alcoholic family thinking is generational).

Confession: I was going to send Bub with Uncle.

I am not proud of this.

I am sad and sickened.

But I was.

Honestly.

I felt like I owed it to him after I brought HIM into it.

I was a terrible person and this was my consequence (or something like that).

This is my lifetime behavior. This is what I have always done. This is "comfortable". This is my knee-jerk reflex.

What stopped me from doing what I have always done?

The only thing that I can really say is that I realized I didn't want to tell Dr. (my therapist).

As I was making the decision, I realized that I did not want to tell Dr. that I was going to allow my child to go in the car for 2 hours alone with someone about whom I had concerns... that I WOULDN'T tell Dr... That I couldn't tell him.

I followed that logic then:

Why can't I tell Dr.?

He wouldn't understand... He would think it was wrong.

If it is NOT wrong and it is right then you should be able to do it AND tell Dr.

NO. It wouldn't make sense to him why I did it.

Why does it make sense to YOU why you would do it?

Because it is not Uncle's fault. I dragged him into it. he didn't ask to be dragged in. I can't hurt him like that.

Yes, but what about your Bub... isn't it more important to protect Bub?

Well nothing will probably happen. I mean after all, Bub is 15 now. And Uncle wouldn't try anything on the job and it is a driving lesson... driving... around town... in a car... it will be OK.

Well, then you should be comfortable telling Dr. then.

No WAY!!!

And somehow even though I somehow deluded myself into thinking this was sane, Dr.'s sanity guided me (or shamed be or scared me) into making a good decision I could not make for myself.

I just had to face the music and OWN the fact that I had been selfish with Uncle and not avoid that or pretend it didn't happen or try to make it like it didn't.

I was selfish.

I used him.

That was wrong.

I am sorry.

It is not OK for me to let Bub drive with him.

Period.

Let the chips fall where they may.

I am learning and growing but MAN, is it long and tough and painful.

I pray I do better next time (and the next and the next).

Therapy Day 1.6.09

I went to therapy last Tuesday (as every Tuesday)... 9:30 sharp.

I have so many thoughts and things crashing around in my head, I'll probably have to write about them in chunks as I am able.

But the thing that drove me to post right now... at this very moment... that was pressing against me was "leaning into care"

Dr. talks about care being offered and my reluctance to "lean into it",

I like the visual that provides. It's like that exercise where you close your eyes and fall back and trust the other person to catch you. Without reservation or self-protection, you just TRUST and fall into the care. Only his version is safer. I don't have to "fall"... I can just "lean".

Only I don't do it.

I have to always make sure that I have my own back. I don't trust that anyone will TRULY be there every time I fall and care enough and catch me completely.

Using Mr. M as an example: I believe he will be there 75% of the time.

He wants credit and strokes for this (which I try to give him), and that's fine, but that means that 25% of the time when I lean in, I will get dropped. So when I go to lean (it doesn't feel like "lean", feels like "fall") how do I know if THIS is the 75% time or the 25%... and so because of that I put my arm out to catch myself, or I don't really FALL, I kind of fake fall with no intention of truly relying on some one else to catch me. At least if I land on my butt, I will have cushioned my own fall..

This is no way to live; afraid, self-protected, closed up.

I want to live brave and open and available (as commenter Mandie encouraged on my "Guilt" post a few days ago).

Oh, but that's easier said than done.

And I find my own brain and programmed behaviors thwart my without me even being consciously aware.

It is so bizarre to see all the defense mechanisms I have put in place, like layer and layer of walls and moats and barbed wire and draw bridges and archer protecting my castle.

What am I so afraid of?

What am I protecting?

I have anxiety right now and I reach for the gabapentin.

I can't bear to feel my anxiety.

I worry about my kids and yet I don't bring that to Dr.

I tell myself it is because I need to focus on ME and not my kids right now... but deep down I think I am VERY vulnerable about my kids and so i don't want to bring that stuff to Dr. and address it.

Long story short though, I was crying in therapy and feeling and telling Dr. I was so afraid my alcoholic husband was going to relapse that I lived in fear and couldn't lean into his care. Dr. suggested, however, that I WAS leaning into it and perhaps that is why my anxiety was heightening. Mr. M is stepping up and being present and I am trying to be softer and more open and more vulnerable which makes me more dependent and more afraid of losing him. I had to ponder this.

I wanted to share this with Mr M but he sometimes doesn't want to talk about feelings and therapy... so he used a little subtle shame to shut me down and I had a shame attack and DID shut down. He woke up in the morning and asked me to tell him about therapy but I was still to hurt and ashamed to tell him so I told him I would tell him later when I was feeling a little more warm and fluffy toward him.

We went out to dinner a night or two later and I told him that Dr. thought I was leaning into Mr. M more and trusting him more. Mr. M instantly realized this was what I had been wanting to tell him earlier and he chuckled and enfolded me in his arms "Is that what you wanted to tell me but you had to be feeling more love toward me?" I was embarrassed, but nodded. He kept hugging me and was happy and proud.

This morning, I was sharing how anxious I have been and how I have been reaching for the meds (gabapentin). He said "I can IMAGINE how anxious you must be" and went on to empathize with how scary it must be to face the possibility of single parenting and the money and all the bills and chores and everything all by myself and that he could put me back there by simply taking one drink and how hard that must be to have all that fear and no control over it and no ability to protect myself or be able to stop it.

He didn't try to fix it or make excuses or change the subject or make it go away.

He just HEARD me and didn't freak out because he was so ashamed.

We are making progress... slowly, but surely.

I pray I can lean into it.

Guilty

I have not been posting for a long time.

I have just started to realize how much this is SOOOOO part of MY sickness as the wife of an alcoholic.

When he is doing bad, I am doing bad.

I start a secret, anonymous blog to pour out my heart and my angst and my fears and my devastation.  It is my journal that my kids can't stumble upon hidden in a drawer or under the bed.  My friends can't find it and gasp at my fantasies or unbalanced thoughts.  My qualifier (Mr. M) can't find it and know how I fantasize about my life without him.  It feels real and true.  I don't have to censor myself because I don't have to have a facade because no one knows who I am.  No persona.  No mask.  Just me.  Feels good.  Feels true.  Feels maybe even a little bit healthy.

Then Mr. M gets sober.

I let him start coming around.  

I hug him.  I let him start hugging me.

I let him have sleepovers.

We go to amusement parks and the beach and even *gasp* vacation.

I start a new family blog with pictures of all the new happiness and beauty we are creating.

I am living in a fantasy land, sucking all this up... lapping it up... rolling around and wrapping myself in it.

I SO want it to be real.

I SO want it to last.

I am SO afraid because I KNOW how temporary it can always be.

I am blessed to be able to give my kids a few more months or years with their Dad and not give up.  They are all blossoming.

But if I let myself THINK about it, I am afraid it is nothing but a house of cards.

My desire to be in denial and just enfold myself in this 10 month period of sobriety - where Mr. M is not perfect, but he is present and available and loving and strong - is all-encompassing.  I think that's why this journal is lying dormant. 

 If I come to it and log in with my secret email address and my secret name & password, then I am remembering and looking at the reality of what my life was (is) just 10 short months ago and I am forced to see how - with the sip of a drink - it would be right back there.

Would I regret this delicious period of denial?  

I can't answer that yet.

And I don't want to go back and read any old posts to see.

I DO know that I am still in therapy and progressing slowly (snail's pace, in my mind), but I DO see and feel changes... but I am not very brave... I am slow and hesitant and scared.  I want to be braver.  I want to trust more and love fully and not live to protect myself from real or imagined pain.

If temporary, my time of bliss is still real.  My kids' happiness is real.  But this... this alcoholic marriage is still real too and I need to not forget it.

Therapy Day 10.21.08

Dr. has been seeing me for just $25 a session (a DEEP discount from his usual $150). I am grateful for this. I needed it when I first started seeing him! Now, things have gotten less scary financially... I have some cushion (for today)... I can afford to pay more. Therapy is valuable for me. I have just started paying $65 an hour to have hair electrocuted off my chin so I don't become a bearded lady!

If I can pay $65 to have needles stuck individually into each hair follicle and have electrical current shot into them to kill hair for my vanity, then surely, I can come up with $65 to pay for an hour with Dr. for my mental health! I am going to cut down on my electrocution appointments and start paying Dr. $65.

I feel good about paying more... and although I don't know that I could EVER justify $150 an hour in my budget, I don't want Dr. to think that I don't think he is worth that much. I told him I felt guilty because of this. He told me he didn't need me to validate him because he knows what he's worth.

This gave me pause.

I don't know if my feelings were hurt because he didn't need that from me (and what good am I if someone doesn't need that from me?).

Or was I sad because I do not know my worth and that was such a stark contrast?

Things to think about.

Election '08

I do not want my alcoholic marriage blog to be political or religious.

It is more about:

• my very personal journey through codependency, 
  
• my spiritual journey, 
  
• how I deal with my human-ness(temptations, discouragement, doubts, fears) in the face of my desire to follow God's will and be all that I believe He wants me to be,
  
• my pains and heartbreaks and hopelessness in being married to a chronic relapser,
  
• sprinklings of stories from my childhood,
  
• dashes of recipes to warm your tummy and soul,
  
• strange insights into myself,
  
• a chronicle of my therapy,
  
• snippets of parenting/kid stories
  

                                         

That said, I feel that as we progress toward the election, I MUST say a few words.  

I find myself NOT wanting to watch TV or read the news. 

I just want it to be over and to know our fate.  

I am distressed by our media's obvious bias.  

I am saddened by our vote for the popular, the charismatic, and the slogan instead of the TRUTH.  

I am disheartened by our country's fall from standing up for what is RIGHT.  

Even so-called "Christians" are compromising and siding with people who believe it is OK to kill a baby in the 7th-9th month of pregnancy.  

Where has common decency gone?  

Where have our morals gone?  

Where has our commitment to remembering the non-negotiables gone?

A questions has recently arisen about Obama's birth certificate.

I am not saying these concerns are true, but I am saying that IF there are legitimate concerns about ANY candidate's (from ANY party) citizenship status, wouldn't you think the candidate would want to be accountable to the American public and SHOW us that there is not ground for concern?

I asked this recently in an email and sent it out to my voting friends of all persuasions.

the reactions surprised me (although I guess they shouldn't have).

No Obama voters wanted the truth.

They all said it was a smear campaign against him.

PERIOD.

Since when did asking a QUESTION become a "smear tactic"?

I feel like we live in comunism/socialism  (see definitions below) already!

Yikes!

COMMUNISM - As a political movement, communism is a more radical branch of the broader socialist movement. The communist movement differentiates itself from other branches of the socialist movement through their wish to completely do away with all aspects of market society under the final stage of the system and their focus on the international working class as key in that revolution. 
FACISM - A social and political ideology with the primary guiding principle that the state or nation is the highest priority, rather than personal or individual freedoms.  A political movement that believes in an extreme form of nationalism: denying individual rights, insisting upon the supremacy of the state, and advocating one-party rule with ultimate authority resting in the hands of an elite few.
SOCIALISM - An economic system in which the basic means of production are primarily owned and controlled collectively, usually by government under some system of central planning.

Well, it will all be over soon. 

One way or the other.

Therapy Day 9.30.08

Today was therapy.

I told Dr. about the dream I had about him.

The dream was that his office was the waiting room.

People kept coming in DURING my session and sitting next to me on the sofa while waiting for their therapist to come get them.

The receptionist was right in the office too, answering phones, taking calls, filing etc. (Her name was Yolanda, in my dream.)

Dr. had some forms I had completed and he wanted to review them with me so he handed them to me... they were someone else's (2 different peoples' stapled together, but not mine).

I was kind of fretting and planning HOW I could tell him that I couldn't do therapy with Yolanda in the room and I didn't know what to do with these papers that were not mine. I didn't want to sound threatening or demanding... but at the same time, I know I could not do therapy this way.

His next clients came in and sat right there with us in the "waiting room" which was his office.

There was a young girl with them (maybe 6-8) and she leaned against Dr. very familiarly (like a family member). He patted her fondly and kissed her forehead... I was JEALOUS!... I wanted to be loved and familiar like that. (Embarrassing!) I remember thinking that it made sense to me now that he would not see my friends for therapy and that he did not want his clients talking and hanging out.

When i woke up, i was sad and felt weird. I was embarrassed.

I knew I didn't want to tell him about my dream... which of course made me know that I needed to all the more (terrific!).

We didn't get to it until the last 10 minutes or so... but I DID tell him... he said there was a lot to unpack there and that we should talk about it next week.

We also talked about comfort.

I feel an endless, bottomless need for care and comfort.

He said he thinks that maybe I THINK I need comfort, but that no one can really make it "OK"... no one could truly comfort me effectively (true!!!). He said he thinks there is more value in someone being PRESENT with me in my feelings... allowing me to have them, not rescuing me, just BEING THERE.

He said more and more he is interested in the possibility of parenting kids and even babies this way... that maybe comforting them (shooshing them, jiggling them, getting them to stop crying) might not be what they need. After they have been fed, diapered, burped, etc... perhaps they just need someone to be with them... truly with them, while they cried and felt their feelings. Someone to see them, hear them, make eye contact with them and be present with them while they felt their feelings.

Interesting concept.

I just almost typed "I love him".

Then I stopped and felt weird.

I don't know what my feelings are.

I feel hopeful.

I really want him to be the 'real deal'... but what IS the 'real deal'?

Someone who is really CAPABLE of helping me and being strong and confident and leading me where I need to go?

And I can't really feel like I love him.

I don't even KNOW him!

I love who he is to ME.

Hmmm... stuff to think about.

Who am I? (Therapy Day 9.23.08)

I have always been an "otter" ("sanguine", in the whole personality type world - if you believe in that). My "otterness" (if you will) is an immutable fact. It is one of the things I KNOW in my life. A playful, fun-loving, very social creature, I love people. I enjoy

being popular and influencing and motivating others. I am hurt when people do not like me. I like to surround myself with

friends, but not necessarily deep relationships. I love to goof-off. Otters are notorious for messy rooms. (HELLO?!?) I like to hurry and finish jobs (and these jobs are often not done well). I am like Tigger in Winnie The Pooh.


My Strengths?: People person, open, positive


Weaknesses?: Talk too much, too permissive


Limitation: Remembering past commitments, follow through with discipline!

I have always known I have "lion" (choleric) undertones - secondary characteristics that raise their heads in certain circumstances.

Lions like to lead. The lion is good at making decisions and is very goal-oriented. They enjoy challenges, difficult assignments, and opportunity for advancement. Because lions are thinking of the goal, they can step on people to reach it. Lions can be very aggressive and competitive. Lions must learn not to be too bossy or to take charge in other's affairs.


Strength: Goal-oriented, strong, direct


Weakness: Argumentative, too dictatorial


Limitation: Doesn't understand that directness can hurt others, hard time expressing grace

I LOVE Golden Retrievers (phlegmatic) and always wanted to be one... but no one (including myself) has ever believed I was one.

Good at making friends. Very loyal. Retriever personalities do not like big changes. They look for security. Can be very sensitive. Very caring. Has deep relationships, but usually only a couple of close friends. Wants to be loved by everyone. Looks for appreciation. Works best in a limited situation with a steady work pattern.
Strength: Accommodating, calm, affirming


Weakness: Indecisive, indifferent, unable to express emotions, too soft on other people


Limitation: Seeing the need to be more assertive, holding others accountable

While I appreciate Beavers (melancholy), many of their awesome strengths and character traits and their weaknesses and limitations make me itch.

Organized. Beavers think that there is a right way to do everything and they want to do it exact that way. Beaver personalities desire to solve everything. Desire to take their time and do it right. Beavers do not like sudden changes. They need reassurance.


Strength: High standards, order, respect


Weakness: Unrealistic expectations of self & others, too perfect.
Limitation: Seeing the optimistic side of things, expressing flexibility

(More details about these animal personalities, based on Gary Smalley's writings, can be found on this website.)

Anyhow, I just went in with Mr. M (my alcoholic husband) and had a session with HIS therapist. His therapist is into these personality types. So we briefly discussed them. He was 'educating' me about them. It took a lot of self control to not try to jump in a prove that I am knowledgeable about this topic (I am forever wanting to be seen as educated and knowledgeable... It is easy for me to come off as a bit of a know-it-all... in fact, it is HUGE growth for me to admit I don't know stuff!). I did not tell him that I have spoken to audiences of thousands about this topic. I have led workshops on this topic. I am kind of a bit of an EXPERT on this topic.

Anyhow, I told him I was familiar. I told him I was an otter. He said HE is an otter. But at the end of the session, he told me he didn't think I was an otter. He thought I was GOLDEN RETRIEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This rocked my world!

Really!

Regardless of whether these personality traits are 'real' or not, they do have SOME usefulness and in this arbitrary categorization of human personalities, I have always been seen as an otter. that said, am I an otter?

Have I changed?

People used to always KNOW and SAY I was an otter.

Now, this trained therapist who believes in and values these personality labels and types is saying I am a Golden Retriever!

Did I just act like an otter because it worked? It served the purpose of making people like me and want to be my friend?

Was I never really an otter to begin with?

Am I really a Golden Retriever?

Or am I truly an otter and am becoming more of a 'golden retriever' because I am so hurt and broken?

What about the Lion part? Typically, Lion & otter can be compatible, but Golden retriever and Lion are not.

So, if I am truly a Golden retriever, I cannot be part Lion too (and I feel like there is a lot of lion in me, but I have had to tone this down to be more socially acceptable).

None of this really MEANS anything, it is just more of an interesting observation on how I have changed and how perceptions of me have changed.

I guess that means growth and change.

And this is a good thing.

Right?

Therapy - Hurt Feelings

Recently, Mr. M decided to break up with his therapist. (Rightly so, in my controlling opinion.) But I assumed (because I want to control everything) he would be finding a new, "better" therapist. Instead, he decided that perhaps he would not GO to therapy any more (FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!! What?! Is he cured???).

I, of course, think this is unacceptable, and I kinda panicked. I got all up in his kitchen and started threatening ("If you stop going the therapy, I don't know if I can be around you any more" etc... not the healthiest interaction I have been part of this year). He told me to "work my own program" (ouch). To which I responded that I am not sure how I am supposed to react. I STRONGLY believe in the value of therapy right now in our lives. He is an adult and he can decide not to go. And I am an adult and I can decide that I don't want to continue to try to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to invest in healthy changes. So he is free to make his decision and I am free to make mine. But this got all mucky because my decision is seen as (and very well could be) a manipulation and threat. Plus he IS trying to invest in healthy changes: going to multiple meetings a week, using a sponsor etc... it's not like he isn't doing anything. I cannot control him and force him to be in therapy (or for that matter, work a program or not work a program, drink or not drink, call his sponsor or not call his sponsor etc.)... but I CAN set a boundary to protect myself.

So the question is: where & when is a boundary healthy and where & when is it sick and controlling?

So I told Mr. M I would call Dr. and get some perspective.

I did.

Dr. called me back and gave me a little input and thought and then after about 5 minutes said his typical "I have to wrap this up". My feelings were hurt by this. In my whole year of therapy, I don't think I have EVER called him (possibly one other time, but I don't think so). I do not want to ask for help or "use up" all my calls (I have made up some kind of limits and my scarcity mentality causes me to limit myself so I don't use them all up because there is not enough). So when I finally feel desperate enough to call, my feelings were hurt that he had to rush off the phone.

Then I felt ashamed and embarrassed for even having these feelings. After all, it IS his job, and he has 2 small children and is probably desperately needed at home, and it could wait until next tuesday, and I am asking too much, and he DID call me back and DID give me 5 minutes etc. etc. etc. I was busy talking myself out of my feelings and not just listening to them and hearing and validating that I was hurt.

So the next tuesday, I thought I should maybe bring it up to him... but I didn't have the courage.

So I talked about other things (the relatives leaving etc.) and after a while there was an awkward silence. I decided I should maybe tell him my feelings were hurt. Right when I started to talk, he started to say something... he stopped and asked me what I was going to say and I said "no", what was HE going to say? (I was a chicken and relieved that he was going to talk!!).

He was wondering what was going on with me... he said I was very distant and disconnected.

CRAP!

I asked him if I had been this way at all in the past year.

He said I had not.

He was basically asking me "what are we not talking about?".

I couldn't do it.

I slogged through the whole hour and DIDN'T SAY A WORD about it!

Later that day, I called and left a message and told him that he had hurt my feelings and I felt stupid and embarrassed that my feelings were hurt about it... yada yada yada.

He called me back the next evening and we talked about it.

I then had to go in the following Tuesday and discuss it (ugh).

It was good though.

He was very gentle with me about it and very encouraging.

Growth.

Scary but hopeful.

[I had thought I had disconnected and been distant because he hurt my feelings, but in retrospect, I don't think it was because Dr. hurt my feelings per se. I think it was more because I wanted to protect myself from expectations and hurt and needing too much and being let down.]

The Mountain That Loved A Bird

Dr. recommended I get this book.

I can see why.

If you have a problem asking for and receiving love, care, and/or comfort, I would recommend you consider maybe following Dr.'s suggestion for me, and order this book too.

Used from Amazon, it is actually quite affordable!

I don't need to illuminate the symbolism here... once you get the book, you will just KNOW.

So very sad...

I guess you could say that I have the blues.

I have been really grappling with sadness.

A heavy, weighty sadness sitting on my heart & shoulders almost all of the time.

It's like a companion that I am becoming used to having accompany me every where I go.

When - for a moment - I am happy or light or free, it almost feels unfamiliar and then it is back, sitting on me again after only a few moments of respite.

My therapy feels slow.

I feel frustrated with my lack of progress.

Therapy+Caffeine=LAME

Today was therapy day.

First I walked around the lake (3 miles).

Then I got Girlie and took her to a church overnighter.

Then I zipped to therapy by 9:30... it was a full day already and it was still morning!

I missed last week because of vacation.

2 weeks before that, he missed for vacation, so it has been a little disjointed and disconnected.

But because I was walking, I took an excederin migraine (I had a headache) and it had caffeine in it.  Then, because I was taking Girlie, I took her to grab a Starbucks - extra caffeine.

By the time I hit Dr.'s office, I was SPUN.

Yesterday and this morning I was feeling very sad and tearful and saving it for therapy... but with all that caffeine, my sadness wouldn't push through.  I tried to make room for it but it just wouldn't come.

Was it purposeful (subconsciously) that I partook of so much caffeine before therapy or did I actually just forget?

I guess I'll never TRULY know, and I don't want to make EVERYTHING have to be about something, because it might have been a coincidence (I thought Dr. would FOR SURE make it about that, but even HE left room for coincidence!).

I shared about my epiphany about my alcoholic marriage

I also shared about my argument with Mr. M on Sunday where we were both pretty open and vulnerable and true.

I shared and I felt... but barely... all my emotions were kept at bay very nicely by my caffeine high.

Dr. asked me if that was my 'drug of choice' and I said "One of them".

I started really thinking about how many things I use to avoid feeling my feelings and was kind of amazed - but maybe not entirely:

• food (and more food)
• friends (lunch, walk, coffee, phone etc.)
• computer
• mr. m
• dreaming an fantasizing (about vacations, projects, decorating, shopping, etc.)
• tv (rarely, but when i am desperate and none of the others are working)
• blogging ;o)
• reading
• gabapentin
• caffeine
• alcohol
• cigarettes
• any other substance that is 'acceptable'

I keep all of these at hand so I do not use ANY in excess, so I do not have to truly call myself an "addict" to any and I do not have to LOOK like an addict to anyone... no one needs to see me and be concerned about me... no no no... I have it all under CONTROL (that ugly word again).

Dr. suggested when i find myself using one of these, I should ask myself if I could STOP doing it... I said "of course", that's the point... I can stop any of it any time.  Because I am IN CONTROL.

So he revised and said I should stop and ask myself what I might notice if I stopped doing what I was doing or using what I was using.

That is HUGE so I am going to repeat it (for my OWN benefit).

ASK MYSELF WHAT I MIGHT NOTICE IF I STOPPED DOING WHAT I WAS DOING.

He confirmed that none of these things were necessarily 'bad' in and of themselves, but of course, my use of them would prevent me from feeling my feelings and growing... he said he liked the song Learn to be Still by the Eagles... not my favorite, but good lyrics.

2 songs that really speak to me are:
Beauty From Pain by SuperChick and the lyrics to
That I Would Be Good by Alanis Morissette.

Caffeine free next week.