Therapy+Caffeine=LAME

Today was therapy day.

First I walked around the lake (3 miles).

Then I got Girlie and took her to a church overnighter.

Then I zipped to therapy by 9:30... it was a full day already and it was still morning!

I missed last week because of vacation.

2 weeks before that, he missed for vacation, so it has been a little disjointed and disconnected.

But because I was walking, I took an excederin migraine (I had a headache) and it had caffeine in it.  Then, because I was taking Girlie, I took her to grab a Starbucks - extra caffeine.

By the time I hit Dr.'s office, I was SPUN.

Yesterday and this morning I was feeling very sad and tearful and saving it for therapy... but with all that caffeine, my sadness wouldn't push through.  I tried to make room for it but it just wouldn't come.

Was it purposeful (subconsciously) that I partook of so much caffeine before therapy or did I actually just forget?

I guess I'll never TRULY know, and I don't want to make EVERYTHING have to be about something, because it might have been a coincidence (I thought Dr. would FOR SURE make it about that, but even HE left room for coincidence!).

I shared about my epiphany about my alcoholic marriage

I also shared about my argument with Mr. M on Sunday where we were both pretty open and vulnerable and true.

I shared and I felt... but barely... all my emotions were kept at bay very nicely by my caffeine high.

Dr. asked me if that was my 'drug of choice' and I said "One of them".

I started really thinking about how many things I use to avoid feeling my feelings and was kind of amazed - but maybe not entirely:

• food (and more food)
• friends (lunch, walk, coffee, phone etc.)
• computer
• mr. m
• dreaming an fantasizing (about vacations, projects, decorating, shopping, etc.)
• tv (rarely, but when i am desperate and none of the others are working)
• blogging ;o)
• reading
• gabapentin
• caffeine
• alcohol
• cigarettes
• any other substance that is 'acceptable'

I keep all of these at hand so I do not use ANY in excess, so I do not have to truly call myself an "addict" to any and I do not have to LOOK like an addict to anyone... no one needs to see me and be concerned about me... no no no... I have it all under CONTROL (that ugly word again).

Dr. suggested when i find myself using one of these, I should ask myself if I could STOP doing it... I said "of course", that's the point... I can stop any of it any time.  Because I am IN CONTROL.

So he revised and said I should stop and ask myself what I might notice if I stopped doing what I was doing or using what I was using.

That is HUGE so I am going to repeat it (for my OWN benefit).

ASK MYSELF WHAT I MIGHT NOTICE IF I STOPPED DOING WHAT I WAS DOING.

He confirmed that none of these things were necessarily 'bad' in and of themselves, but of course, my use of them would prevent me from feeling my feelings and growing... he said he liked the song Learn to be Still by the Eagles... not my favorite, but good lyrics.

2 songs that really speak to me are:
Beauty From Pain by SuperChick and the lyrics to
That I Would Be Good by Alanis Morissette.

Caffeine free next week.