Friday, July 6, 2012

Crazy in the Little Things

Last night I awoke to find our bed half empty. (I was in it, Mr. M was not.)
In his place was a long, body-shaped lump of pillows. It literally looked like when kids stuff their beds so their parents don't know they have snuck out. Mr. M had vacated to the couch some time in the evening - or maybe never even came to bed at all?
He says he got up in the middle of the night for a snack (I never remember him coming to bed in the first place - doesn't mean it didn't happen).
He laid down for a few and felt so comfortable he fell asleep and stayed there.
I want to paint a balanced picture, so I will say that, recovering from his rotator cuff surgery is brutal stuff. He is still uncomfortable a LOT of the time. Finding comfortable sleep is elusive.
Also, about 18 months ago, he has gnarly spine surgery... he was good for about 6 months and then has gotten in more and more pain. Currently, his back hurts and his leg is going numb.
The pillows in the bed - which are like a third person in the bed! - support his arma and leg and are an ATTEMPT to keep him more comfortable.

MY angst in this though is will our lives ever be "normal"? (Whatever "normal" is.)
I wake up and my husband is not in bed - is that normal?
I go to bed around 11:30PM. Mr. M comes to bed anywhere from 1:30AM to 3:00AM, if at all.
I usually get up from 7:00-8:15AM. Mr. M wakes up at 10AM - 11AM every day (he schedules his work so he can do this). - In his defense, he is a SUPER hard worker when he is sober... he works his butt off then comes home and cleans and does repairs and yard work etc. I am MUCH "lazier" than he is.
It is anxiety producing that he doesn't have a schedule and that it is so opposite mine and that I will wake up and he is not in bed - is he drinking? Doing cocaine? Or is he just legitimately in pain and looking for some confort?
Maybe a large percentage of the time it is something benign... but just often enough, it is life shattering, so I have lower and lower tolerance for this "crazy".
I am having a tough time even in the little things. I am not loving living with Mr. M. And I am sure he is not loving living with me.
We are crazy even in the little things...

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Holidays in the M Home

Holidays in the M Home often bring out the worst in Mr M's and my relationship.
I think I have expectations of success.
I think Mr. M has expectations of failure.
The two clash - Almost. Every.Time.

I want to not fight and get along and enjoy each other and celebrate.
I think Mr. M thinks that I have much grander expectations of the BESTHOLIDAYEVER and, feeling sure he will not live up, GIVES up early and completely.
I also think he is a tad lazy when it comes to family and events and holidays... like they should just "happen" with no work or planning. (He is SOOOO the opposite of lazy when it comes to cleaning and work. He is the Energizer Bunny with OCD!) But when it comes to the "woman's domain" of family, he is lazy.
He wants to wake up and SEE what he feels like doing. No grocery shopping having been done. No campsite having been reserved. No adult kids' schedules having been booked. (He would like to just in military fashion bellow "cancel all your plans. I have decided what I want to do now, at 11:30AM as I have just woken up and joined the land of the living.")
Meanwhile - having consulted him - I have planned a menu and shopped and calendared the kids and contacted friends and RSVP's and he MIGHT choose to wake up - whenever he darn well pleases - and pull the plug on that and say "I'm not in the mood to go to the party you RSVP's to last week, even though you asked me and I said ok".
Our friends R&S just called to see if we were still on for this evening (the 4th of July) because they KNOW Mr. M and his ways.
To the best of my knowledge, the answer is still "yes", although it is only 10:30AM here, so who is to say what he will feel like when he wakes up.
I have recently just started telling him that I will go in my own car and he can join or not. Which is ok a lot of the time, but NOT when you are trying to do things with another couple.

More and more in my marriage, I am realizing that I am married to an adolescent.
Experts agree that when alcoholics start drinking, they stop maturing and freeze at that age until they get sober for a period of time (not dry, but actually sober, in recovery).
Mr. M started partying hard at 15.
During our 24 year marriage, I would say he has been TRULY sober (not building up to, in, or recovering from relapse) - cumulatively - maybe 10 years.
So does that make him 25ish?

He just confessed that he had injected testosterone daily a few years ago - when he was supposedly sober. He made this unilateral decision. He didn't consult with me, discuss, partner in any way. He wanted to do what he wanted to do. He did not want to hear another opinion and have to possibly honor it. He did not want to run the risk of "getting in trouble". This is how our kids acted when they were older teens and how Drummer still acts sometimes. He is 21.

I am feeling sad and super super tired.
I don't want to keep being married to someone who wants to do things alone, his way.
I want to go to a 4th of July party with friends and laugh and socialize with my adult husband there taking care of himself and enjoying himself. (Instead, he either won't come or he will be there brooding and/or punishing me.)
I don't want to be single.
But I also kind of don't want to be married to him any more... but is that better than being alone?