Monday, June 16, 2008

Devotion James 5:6

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. 
James 5:16

It can be difficult to admit our flaws, faults, fears, and failures even to ourselves. There can be pain in looking at the truth of our motives and actions. We share personal information and call it a ‘prayer request’. What motivated us to do that? We can tell ourselves it is thoughtfulness or that we were just concerned. Much tougher to admit it was because we wanted to look like we had the inside scoop or simply because we wanted to impress our friends with a juicy story. Yuck!

A friend does something wrong or hurtful and we don’t confront them because we don’t want to “make waves”. Why not? If we are honest with ourselves, might it be because we are more concerned with them liking us than anything else?

If we can get up the courage to be honest with ourselves, we can then bring these things to our Heavenly Father. We can humbly ask Him to remove our shortcomings.

These are important and valuable steps, but this is not the final step. We need to share our ‘yuck’ with other people. We don’t necessarily have to share our greatest character defect or secret sin right out the gate. Start small. Open up about little things first. Test the waters. We might very well find that when we share our darker side, we become more accessible and more likeable. Then in this opening up, in this confession, we will be healed. Little by little we will become whole.

Friday, June 13, 2008

My Drinking

I had not had a drink of alcohol for 20 years.
20 years!!!
I had made some bad choices (alcohol related) as a teen.
I got "sober" in 1987, and the rest is history.
My alcoholic husband continued to drink while I did not.
Perhaps I felt noble.  Perhaps I thought i was modeling for him.
On some level I did not know if I was an alcoholic or not, but I was scared of what might happen if I started drinking again.
Last summer I had a margarita.
Since then I have started drinking.
I drink.
I like drinking.
I think about drinking.
I want to drink.
I am concerned that a bit of an obsession is starting.
I don't WANT to have an obsession.
I want to drink like "normal" people.
But I honestly don't know if I can.
Tonight I had a bit too much wine at dinner... I am not that picky about my alcohol... I prefer beer, but wine was available with italian food... so I drank it.
I was a little buzzed.
I didn't want to drive my child home buzzed, so we went to Target for a while and shopped.
45 minutes, $80, and a bit more sober later, I drove home.
I am still a bit lit.
I had too much.
I like(d) it.
I look forward to my next drink.

When did I drink this week?
Let's see...
Friday night, 2 glasses of wine.
Tuesday night, amusement park, 2 beers.
Wednesday lunch, 1 glass pinot grigio.
Friday night, 2 glasses chianti.
That's a fair amount of drinking in one week.

And I think of my next drink.
I like the way I feel.

I will probably have to NOT drink... but I don't want to.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Who I Want To Be

I want to be a fun, funky, whimsical, delightful person.
I'm not.
I am actually fairly crabby, anal retentive, controlling, fearful, and rigid.
Some things that make me feel like my best person are:

The saying "Follow Your Bliss"

The Happy Woman Store - Everything in it - just being on the website - makes me happy.

I want to write these books (books that look and feel like this):

I want to be a person who puts these on her luggage, not because she WANTS to be fun and funky or is TRYING to be whimsical and delightful, but because she IS:

I am almost 40 and I want to be able to embrace it in the free "when I am an old woman, I shall wear purple" kind of a way (and I want to say words like "shall" in every day conversation that doesn't sound old fashioned and prude, but whimsical and funky). I want to be "old enough to smell the roses, young enough to be in love, and wise enough to let it be".

I DELIGHT in the saying "I am fairly certain that given a cap and a nice tiara, I could save the world."

I adore the work of photographer Tara Whitney, and her eye and the way she sees the world... she has a great professional website and also a great blog. I want to be like the people in all her photographs. Looking at them makes me jealous, I confess. I want to have chalkboard-faced cabinets in my kitchen and fun friends and kids who write on them. Ahhhh... just click and enjoy her eye and her brain and her.

As a Christian I feel guilty about liking "The Secret", but I do. I don't like or agree with all the new agey "we are all god" crap, but I DO like the reminders:
be grateful
what you focus on expands
you teach people how to treat you
when things hurt or are tough you ask "what can I learn from this"
live excited for the next great thing God is going to bring into your life
Ask. Believe. Receive.
I even like this encouraging video... It is a terrific daily reminder.

I adore Beth Moore's Bible teaching.... I am moved by God's bigness and goodness when I sit under her teaching (on DVD) and I also get a kick out of her Living Proof Ministries blog.

Helen Keller said 'Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.' Wow!... no really, Wow!... read that again.
'Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.'
My life is not a daring adventure right now... it is a fearful, closed little hermit crab of a life. I want to live a daring, reckless, wide open, breathless, full of wonder life!

I want to be a person that has people over to my home and yard to eat and laugh even if my house is not decorated perfectly or I don't have a pool or I am not a great cook... I just want there to be a spirit of home and hospitality.

Even though I am in an alcoholic marriage, there is still room for delight and whimsy and freedom. I feel like I will be grateful and blessed and OK if I can become this type of person... maybe I should give it a try and see...

Therapy Day (2 days after) 6.12.08

I need to write right after therapy or I forget everything.

My therapist is GONE next week!!! I have been WANTING a break. And yet I am SO sad he is gone and I have to miss a week. Where is he going? What is he doing? Vacation? Going somewhere? Or just staying home with the new baby? I know NOTHING about him and his life.

We actually spent some time addressing that.
We talked about how I need money (collect it - in a pile) and how I collect friends (in a pile?). And how I need to hook people in to needing me (so they won't leave me). I am a good listener. I want people to want to tell me everything and depend on me. I want to be funny and entertaining and delightful and ____________. So they will want to keep me around. My therapist asked me how I do that in therapy (how does that come out in my relationship with him?)

I told him that I don't know anything about him... I offer him nothing. I am not funny or delightful. I probably just try to be the best therapy "patient" in the world. Maybe by crying or working really hard and facing my shit etc. So he will think I am really super great.

And each week, when I leave, there is a hatchet-faced lady in the waiting room waiting for her turn to see him. I don't like her. I had to leave because SHE wants to come in. I want to give her the "stink eye" when I walk out. (I have less a problem with people leaving so I can some in... I am some how OK with that because they are vacating so I can enter... but I have an issue with me having to leave so SHE can come in... yep... I don't like her.)

Client Lunch

Yesterday I has lunch with a client. He is a business owner... educated and affluent, adequately attractive. He has 2 grown kids, a plane, a home in a prestigious ski area... oh, and did I mention; a wife.
But they seem to be having their share of issues and you can see that he is maybe looking around his life at the "beyond halfway" point and thinking
THIS is what I lived for???
We set up lunch because I had actually randomly run into him in a parking lot. We had talked for a while and agreed to set up lunch. When he left, he had leaned into the car window and kissed me... I turned my head and instead of catching me on the lips, he got cheek. A little strange and awkward. So yes, that was definitely hanging in the air a little when we met for lunch.

Because we have a professional relationship but are kind of "friends", lunch is fairly informal... we had a glass of white wine (pinot grigio) and just chatted.
At one point though, he asked me about kissing women friends on the lips and said that the other day he had noticed that I had distinctly turned away from receiving his kiss on the lips!!! That was FUNNY that he noticed and that he brought it up!!! FUNNY! I acted like I hadn't noticed. (So clearly he had felt that it was uncomfortable and borderline inappropriate and was making sure that I didn't think anything or have any weird issue with it).

[Side note: After the kissing incident, I was a little shaken up. I realized that I am really NOT an affair haver. It was also confirmed for me that I could not really be attracted to someone who would cheat on his wife. I was also a little intrigued and flattered to feel desired. But then when he "un-did" it with this conversation - and then proceeded to act COMPLETELY appropriate - I was a little embarrassed and hurt. Did this mean that I misinterpreted and he WASN'T making any kind of overture? I had prayed on the way to lunch that the Lord would resolve this and help me to reign myself in and to want what God wants... but why does He always have to do this by making the other person not want ME??? Can't he just make ME not vulnerable to them???]

Anyhow, to address his lip-kissing question, I ended up asking him if he kissed his kids on the lips. he said "no".
"Do you kiss your Mom on the lips?"
"Well then, if you won't kiss some of your most important people in the WORLD on the lips, it probably isn't appropriate to kiss other women on the lips"
And that was how we ended it.
Utterly appropriate.
Utterly friendly.
Utterly nothing.

Monday, June 9, 2008


I was not cut out for internet dating!!!
I did the profile on eHarmony to see what it would say about me... I didn't really think of it as a match-making service.
I am VERY interested in seeing what kind of options are out there for me, but NOT in actually pursuing anything... I am still married and I will be freshly wounded for a while (and recovering), I am too broken still to even PICK someone healthy and good, I still have kids, I can't date while I have kids, AND I am scared to death!!!!  (About dating, about being rejected, about having to reject someone else, about liking someone else, about being liked - yikes!!!)

So I filled out everything and was very interested in the profile.  Only, then I started getting emails about matches and communications and now I am all a-twitter!  (Flustered, nervous, nauseated etc.)
I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings - like i do not like them... I feel like I should email and come clean that I am not really single yet.  But then why would I start some silly communication like that?  I should just ignore it and it will go away, right?

But then I saw that there were a couple people who has CLOSED communication with me.  What does that mean??? I think it means that they were matched with me and didn't want to be, so CLOSED the communication!!!  Why?  What did they read about me that they didn't like?  Why don't they want me???  So that got me all flustered and rejected and hurt!!!  I even got a TINY stomach ache.

Both the positive possibilities and the negative possibilities of singleness and dating FREAKED ME OUT!!!  I have been married since I was born (practically!)... even though singleness sometimes sounds appealing, i never wanted to be single again and I never planned on being single again and now faced with the possibility that I may one day BE single, I am very frightened.  

My Money Pile

I had a picture appear to me yesterday.

When is comes to money, I am so fearful and so grasping.  I can never have enough.  It makes me feel safe and OK and protected.  So I had this picture of me sitting with money piled all around me.  I am in the middle and I have piled walls of money all around me.  There are little holes and gaps that i want to stuff full of more money.  I can still see out and you can still see in, so more money (piled higher) would be better.  My walls are only 2 feet thick... they need to be 4... no, 6... no, 10!!!  Never enough.

I am OK with you having money as long as it doesn't take away from MY pile of love, safety and security.  Which is why Mr. M and I have a problem when we talk about our separation or the possibility of divorce.  I want him to walk away and leave me with EVERYTHING.  

He feels this is a judgement about him and his lack of value or worth.  I TRY to explain to him that it really isn't about him... it's about me.  I am actually not thinking about him at all.  I am only trying to protect me (and my kids).  If I see him building up a teeny, tiny little pile for himself, I feel that he loves himself more than he loves me.  If he wants to take some of my pile to build a new life and pile for himself I panic... why does he want to take from me???  Didn't he love me enough to want to leave me safe and cared for and protected?  Does he want to ADD to my pile or TAKE?  How could he leave me (after 20+ years in an alcoholic marriage) and the kids AND take from my pile of safety and security and protection???

Good thing I am in therapy.