Last session we just sat and stared at each other - not literally, but we focused on me not wanting to focus on what I want to avoid.
I felt like when I was a child and my parents said I had to either choke down 3 bites of lima beans or sit at the table all night. Either choice is desperately painful but you are a kid and power less and at the mercy of someone else's power.
Dr. asked if I felt like HE was the mean parent forcing that.
I didn't THINK so... I was aware that I was choosing to stay focused on the discomfort. But I still felt caught between a rock and a hard place and either choice felt dooming.
He said we could come "around the corner" and look at whatever it was together. That word "together" seemed so foreign and out of plan to me... together??? No... I would come around the corner alone and uncover it alone and show him alone. So he said "So you think I will not be there with you."
But this wasn't true either. I thought I would be showing him, so he would BE there... but he would not come to it WITH me and it was not a "together" thing... I would be alone showing him.
At the end of the session, he asked if I just wanted to rip the bandaid off and tell him.
I said No Way. My session was over and I couldn't open that can of worms and then LEAVE. He said "Oh, so there is a tipping point in the session where if it doesn't come out by then, it isn't coming out." And I acknowledged that yes, if it is not out by the half way point, it is not coming out. (So many rules I make up in my own mind! :)
But so interesting that this makes sense as an 'absolute' in my brain... just realizing that this means (and says it very boldly) that I don't want to tell him and then dash out... I NEED him to process it with me before I leave... more "I need him"... AWKWARD!
Anyhow, so I got him and wrote up the issue and sent it to him.
(Now mind you you YOU know about it... I have written it. Several in-person friends know about it... but because it is about HIM, I cannot talk to HIM about it.) Here is what I wrote: