Tuesday, February 24, 2009

A New Behavior PART 1

I am trying new things and they are HARD & scary, but true.

LOOOOOONNG story short (or - I just went back and re-read my whole post and actually maybe "long story LONG"):

Bub was due to get his driving permit.
He had done all his part to be ready.
I needed to do my part.
I forgot to sign him up and pay for the behind-the-wheel classes - and you need to have proof of this BEFORE taking the permit test.
I realized this the night before the test at 8PM.
I should have just apologized and told him we would reschedule.
But I didn't want to do that, so I picked up the phone and called a relative who is a driving instructor for a living. He rushed over and gave us the certificate (so thoughtful and kind).
Problem solved.
Bub got his permit and all was happy.


The relative I called has some ISSUES.
We have not let him be around out kids for some time (especially Bub) because we think he is secretly not only gay, but a bit of a pedophile.

LET ME CLARIFY several things before I move ahead with the story.

#1 - I say "secretly gay" because he is married and not open and up front about being gay.
I actually think he is in denial and has not admitted it even to himself.

#2 - I understand that one can be hetero or gay and be a pedophile and one can be hetero or gay and NOT be a pedohile.
I am just clarifying that in THIS particular case, I believe this relative is likely gay AND a pedophile.

#3 - For purpose of clarity, I said "bit" of a pedophile because I am not SURE and I hate to accuse, but here are my thoughts:
He doesn't seem attracted to LITTLE LITTLE kids, but rather young pubescent boys (12-16).
I do not know that he has ever acted on it.
But he seems to have an intense attraction (he gravitates toward and bonds with this age group overtly)... which does not make someone a pedophile.
However, his wife found 13 bookmarked "twink" porn sites (young, underage appearing, bald/shaved male porn) on his computer. AND his intense friendships with boys AND accusations - later taken back, but HELLO?, still initially accused - of a little inappropriate behavior with young teen boys in a home where he once lived.

So - and I HATE admitting this - I guess I USED this relative to get what I wanted & needed with no thought to his needs and feelings. I selfishly called him and he lovingly responded and met my need.
Then he knew Bub was taking classes and, of course, planned to be the one to teach him.
3 two-hour sessions alone in the car together.

Now I feel guilty.
I called him.
I shouldn't have, but I did.
He didn't call me.
He didn't ask.
I did.
So I dragged him in to this to get MY needs met and now I want to say "NO, pervert. You can't drive my son."
That seems so mean and heartless that I think I need to let my son drive with him... after all I owe that to him, right???

Well, that doesn't seem right either? Sacrifice my son and just HOPE everything is OK because I made a selfish mistake and called him???

It HURTS and is humiliating to admit to myself and to you that I only thought of myself and my selfish needs to make my kids happy.

Anyhow, Bub got his permit.
But then Uncle wanted to do the first driving lesson.
I scheduled lesson on a Sunday, Uncle's day off. ("Sorry, that was the only day that would work.")
Uncle reworked schedule to be able to be the one to take Bub... I don't think in a predatory way, just to be nice (and he IS a great driver).
So what do I do?

Do I let Bub go with him or do I say "Sorry, I made a mistake, I am a terrible person"?

My folks both said something along the lines of: "Oh, nothing will probably happen, you should let Bub drive with Uncle"... no one wants to hurt Uncle's feelings (wonder where I got it?? That dysfunctional alcoholic family thinking is generational).

Confession: I was going to send Bub with Uncle.
I am not proud of this.
I am sad and sickened.
But I was.
I felt like I owed it to him after I brought HIM into it.
I was a terrible person and this was my consequence (or something like that).
This is my lifetime behavior. This is what I have always done. This is "comfortable". This is my knee-jerk reflex.

What stopped me from doing what I have always done?
The only thing that I can really say is that I realized I didn't want to tell Dr. (my therapist).
As I was making the decision, I realized that I did not want to tell Dr. that I was going to allow my child to go in the car for 2 hours alone with someone about whom I had concerns... that I WOULDN'T tell Dr... That I couldn't tell him.
I followed that logic then:
Why can't I tell Dr.?
He wouldn't understand... He would think it was wrong.
If it is NOT wrong and it is right then you should be able to do it AND tell Dr.
NO. It wouldn't make sense to him why I did it.
Why does it make sense to YOU why you would do it?
Because it is not Uncle's fault. I dragged him into it. he didn't ask to be dragged in. I can't hurt him like that.
Yes, but what about your Bub... isn't it more important to protect Bub?
Well nothing will probably happen. I mean after all, Bub is 15 now. And Uncle wouldn't try anything on the job and it is a driving lesson... driving... around town... in a car... it will be OK.
Well, then you should be comfortable telling Dr. then.
No WAY!!!

And somehow even though I somehow deluded myself into thinking this was sane, Dr.'s sanity guided me (or shamed be or scared me) into making a good decision I could not make for myself.

I just had to face the music and OWN the fact that I had been selfish with Uncle and not avoid that or pretend it didn't happen or try to make it like it didn't.
I was selfish.
I used him.
That was wrong.
I am sorry.
It is not OK for me to let Bub drive with him.
Let the chips fall where they may.

I am learning and growing but MAN, is it long and tough and painful.
I pray I do better next time (and the next and the next).

My Secret Blog

This is my secret blog.

I have a "real" blog that people can see that has family photos and updates about kids sports and plays and proms and birthdays.
I guess I shouldn't call it my "real" blog, I should call it my public blog.

It IS real... it is all real and good and important stuff... but so is this one.
It is real too.
it is real.
Both are real.
Secret stuff and public stuff are both real.

This one is associated with a secret email address and is anonymous so I have to keep myself signed out all the time and then I get lazy about signing out of my "public" blog and then secretly signing onto this one and then making sure I log out of this one etc.  So sometimes I get lazy about coming here and writing this one.
And maybe I like to forget these things... the alcoholic family things.  
Maybe I kinda like to pretend this is all "in the past" and just linger on the "public" blog stuff (the sports, proms, plays, and parties).

But again, both are real and true.

When I come here, it is like a secret indulgence... a guilty pleasure.
It is my journal online.
But Mr. M or one of my kids isn't going to find it under my mattress one day and say "GASP!!! You felt what?!?!?!?"  It is just me and the page and whoever chooses to join me (hi... thanks for stopping by).

Just because Mr. M is in recovery right now and working a program and using a sponsor and doing his steps and we are in therapy and we are making some progress does not mean we are healed or no longer an alcoholic home.  So this whole journal stays true.
It is still real.