Thursday, February 18, 2010

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Long Time No See

It has been a long time since I have been here. And yet, looking through it, it still feels like home. I stopped writing when Mr. M came back home. But I shouldn't have. I am chronicling a journey.

That journey includes relapses and binges and my grief and trauma and my anger and fantasies... but it wasn't ONLY that. It was also my therapy journey. And the periods of rest and peace and joy.

Right now Mr. M has coming up on TWO YEARS SOBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is awesome. Life has been SO good. Everything I fantasized about. (No - not perfect. Still fights and dysfunction and hurt feeling and SUCKINESS. But "normal" fights and dysfunction and hurt feeling and SUCKINESS. Not heart-wrenching, death-defying, constant crisis, survival mode.) Isn't THAT worth writing about too?

I PRAY he stays sober (right now - as I type - he is with his sponsor working on his 8th step - "made a list of all people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all"). If he does, that will be awesome - and our mental health, marriage redemption journey is STILL worth writing about because it is still a learning, growth process.

On the other hand, if he were to relapse, it would be so nice to have a record of both the good times and bad HERE on this blog. A record of my growth - and regression (hahaha!).

I'm going to TRY to pop in a write more regularly.
For now, an update:

I turned 40. Mr. M & some girlfriends threw me a party. It was hard to accept all that love and attention and effort. I tried to just relax and allow it. It was awkward and uncomfortable... yet nice.

Hacker met a girl and is getting married (all within 13 months of cross-country dating from date of meeting to wedding date). Even though they are 4 years older than we were when we said "I do", I am worried and have all sorts of advice and warnings, he does not appreciate my spiritual gift of control that much :)

Drummer went off to college. We had to have financial help (70%) from family. We are doing one year. Don't know if the money will be there to do more. But what a BLESSING one year has been. I just saw a facebook post written at 4:40AM. Is he sleeping at all? Is he going to class? Is he doing his homework? Is he getting good grades? Hmmmmmm... do you see a theme of control and worry?

Bub got his driver's license. Need I go into any details about my fear and control there????

Girlie is a hormonal maniac (it is definitely genetic, I was a FREAK at her age). As I parent her, it is SOOOOOOOOOO much work and she pushes us away and yet we push through it and stay in relationship with her and continue to act "as if" with her (as if she is still pleasant, as if she is sane, as if she didn't just say she hates us etc.). We love her and rejoice in her great, sane moments. As i do that, I feel sadness for how much my own parents were not able to offer that for me when i was a psychotic teen... yet how much I needed it. Some of it was fear on their part, some laziness, some misunderstanding, some irresponsibility, some ignorance. But whatever the reason... I needed someone to love me enough to tough it out with me and contain my anger and not abandon me and still be brave enough to be tough and parent me. I feel sad for the 13 year old girl that was me in 1982 who did not get that and yet I am SO grateful it helped me be equipped to give that to our daughter.

My business is doing well - even in this economy. (I need to write an entire post about gratefulness. I am FILLED with gratefulness - and yet I still live in a LOT of fear of losing everything... I need a whole ADDITIONAL post about FEAR!) God has provided enough income for this season through MY job that Mr. M could quit his miserable job of 15 years with his toxic employer (who WAS patient and merciful though, through all Mr. M's ups and downs) and started his own business - after one year sober. It is growing and starting to establish itself. (Unlike so many alcoholics, Mr. M is not one bit lazy and has an AWESOME work ethic when he is sober... so this is not a "pretend to have my own business" set up... he is working his BUTT off... I am so impressed with him.)

I have SO much more to say about my therapy - future post.
About how much growing up I have had to do in letting go of Mr. M in my alcoholic marriage - even in sobriety and starting his own business and going to meetings and parenting, etc.
About friendships.
About parenting.
About my own parents.
About money.
About God.
About learning about my own flaws.

Wow... there are my next 9 posts all laid out for me.

See you soon.
Keep on keeping on.