A Weekend Away

I went out of town for the weekend with a girlfriend.

It wasn't just a pleasure trip but it was still very nice.

We were checking her son back in for spring semester at university.

The 3 of us drove up together for 6+ hours of non-stop gabbing!

We spent a lot of time stocking up the dorm fridge and running errands and hanging out with college kids (adorable!). We ate at many marvelous restaurants including a funky ice cream shop with fun, wacky, creative flavors like "lemon praline pinenut" and "saffron coconut" and "chicory whiskey" and "maple bacon".

It was good to get away and "play".

It was good to chat and be frivolous and not worry about anyone but myself (my friend had to worry about her son, but I didn't :)

It is hard because it creeps into my mind to worry abut Mr. M. He often escalates in drinking behavior when I am gone (a case of the while-the-cat's-away-the-mouse-will-play syndrome???). So it is a TAD hard with my controlling (fear-based) nature to leave and know that is a risk. But it was good to go and to open my terrified grasp and believe that if he is going to drink, he is going to drink. Me being here to guard him might prolong it, but it will only prolong it, not prevent it.

So I can't say that I didn't ever think about it with worry or concern, but I didn't let it stop me from going or enjoying my time. (And I didn't excessively call and check in either :)

I'll call that a bit of growth...

Mr. M Goes Motorcycle Riding

Mr. M went on a motorcycle riding trip with some sober guys from the program. I have been near giddy with the thought of him being gone for a few days. This is weird because all I ache for him to do is to be sober and come home. But he has been sober for 5 weeks and he is over at the house every day. But we have been fighting. He has started to boss me and the kids around about cleaning (he's a bit OCD and likes to get all "up in our kitchen" when we are not as tidy as he is). He is no longer on "good behavior" and is crankier with all of us. (You can read the few previous posts about the fight on my birthday and on Christmas Eve morning). So a little break sounded nice.

He left and it brought up feelings of grief and sadness. I felt like I did when he was away from home and drunk. I just felt sad and hurt and abandoned. I kind of missed him but not really. If anything, his absence and my grief about it made me think how TIRED I am and how exhausting it is living this way.

He's only gone for 2 nights but has called and texted and left voicemails and sent video clips of the place he is staying. He got worried when I didn't respond and tried repeatedly to get in touch with me. We finally talked for a few minutes. He was telling me he missed me etc. I felt nothing but sad. I'm just sad.

I know it hurts his feelings when he doesn't get the response he is hoping for from me. And this freaks me out because if he gets scared or sad or feels rejected and cannot deal with his feelings, will he drink???? So then I feel like I should engage more and show him I love him - to prevent him from drinking. But this is just that illusion of control. He will drink if he wants and not drink if he doesn't want. My behavior is irrelevant. I can PRETEND I have some influence if this makes me fell better to convince myself that I actually have some power in this insanity. Mr. M may stay sober a while - or forever - or he might be drunk when he comes home tomorrow. And regardless, I am just sad right now.

I Don't Want To Be Married Any More

I have sooooo much anxiety.

I was out of town for a few days and while I was gone I checked in several times a day with Mr.M. I think I was pretending that everything was normal and OK. That I was out of town and he was just at home and things were just like they have always been.

He is self-absorbed and irritable and pitiful and seems hardly aware that I might be having some experiences while I am traveling that I might like to share... he talks incessantly about himself, repeating the same story over & over. It is actually quite concerning.

Yet still I want to pretend like everything is OK.

But when I got home, anxiety descended immediately.

He smells like alcohol.

But - I am telling myself - he is functioning. He is working and coherent... he can't DO that when he is drinking. He can't drink in moderation. He gets fall-down dead drunk right out the gate.

So what am I smelling?

And what about my mantra to "believe myself"?

He is staying with Hacker & Mrs. Hacker and is supposed to be looking for a place to live, but isn't.

I want to CONTROL my environment and CONTROL him and CONTROL the situation and say he isn't ALLOWED to live there... and they will all "obey" me... but is that what I want?

While out of town, I prayed for his death... not out of anger or hate or spite... I am tired and he is miserable and killing himself slowly every day.

I thought of him dying and I felt relieved.

I prayed he would be miraculously cured of this disease or die.

I prayed that it wouldn't be a death from drunk driving or from suicide or from drinking directly (right now).

A car accident would be OK or cancer - sudden & quick, or

alcohol related illness death,

but after-the-fact, not drinking again and dying from it, if that makes sense.

What I am getting at is that I would love him to die sober not drunk, so the kids don't have to live with that.

I want to move on and be free from the agony of worry.

But I can't do it while he is alive.

I don't want to divorce him.

I don't want to give up on him.

I don't want the kids to see me give up on him.

I don't believe in divorce (if it is possible to avoid it).

I believed my vows "in sickness and in health, in richer, in poorer"... I don't want to break them.

I am not proud of this.

I am sad and sick.

But this is where I am, confessionally.

Long Time No See

It has been a long time since I have been here. And yet, looking through it, it still feels like home. I stopped writing when Mr. M came back home. But I shouldn't have. I am chronicling a journey.

That journey includes relapses and binges and my grief and trauma and my anger and fantasies... but it wasn't ONLY that. It was also my therapy journey. And the periods of rest and peace and joy.

Right now Mr. M has coming up on TWO YEARS SOBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is awesome. Life has been SO good. Everything I fantasized about. (No - not perfect. Still fights and dysfunction and hurt feeling and SUCKINESS. But "normal" fights and dysfunction and hurt feeling and SUCKINESS. Not heart-wrenching, death-defying, constant crisis, survival mode.) Isn't THAT worth writing about too?

I PRAY he stays sober (right now - as I type - he is with his sponsor working on his 8th step - "made a list of all people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all"). If he does, that will be awesome - and our mental health, marriage redemption journey is STILL worth writing about because it is still a learning, growth process.

On the other hand, if he were to relapse, it would be so nice to have a record of both the good times and bad HERE on this blog. A record of my growth - and regression (hahaha!).

I'm going to TRY to pop in a write more regularly.

For now, an update:

I turned 40. Mr. M & some girlfriends threw me a party. It was hard to accept all that love and attention and effort. I tried to just relax and allow it. It was awkward and uncomfortable... yet nice.

Hacker met a girl and is getting married (all within 13 months of cross-country dating from date of meeting to wedding date). Even though they are 4 years older than we were when we said "I do", I am worried and have all sorts of advice and warnings, he does not appreciate my spiritual gift of control that much :)

Drummer went off to college. We had to have financial help (70%) from family. We are doing one year. Don't know if the money will be there to do more. But what a BLESSING one year has been. I just saw a facebook post written at 4:40AM. Is he sleeping at all? Is he going to class? Is he doing his homework? Is he getting good grades? Hmmmmmm... do you see a theme of control and worry?

Bub got his driver's license. Need I go into any details about my fear and control there????

Girlie is a hormonal maniac (it is definitely genetic, I was a FREAK at her age). As I parent her, it is SOOOOOOOOOO much work and she pushes us away and yet we push through it and stay in relationship with her and continue to act "as if" with her (as if she is still pleasant, as if she is sane, as if she didn't just say she hates us etc.). We love her and rejoice in her great, sane moments. As i do that, I feel sadness for how much my own parents were not able to offer that for me when i was a psychotic teen... yet how much I needed it. Some of it was fear on their part, some laziness, some misunderstanding, some irresponsibility, some ignorance. But whatever the reason... I needed someone to love me enough to tough it out with me and contain my anger and not abandon me and still be brave enough to be tough and parent me. I feel sad for the 13 year old girl that was me in 1982 who did not get that and yet I am SO grateful it helped me be equipped to give that to our daughter.

My business is doing well - even in this economy. (I need to write an entire post about gratefulness. I am FILLED with gratefulness - and yet I still live in a LOT of fear of losing everything... I need a whole ADDITIONAL post about FEAR!) God has provided enough income for this season through MY job that Mr. M could quit his miserable job of 15 years with his toxic employer (who WAS patient and merciful though, through all Mr. M's ups and downs) and started his own business - after one year sober. It is growing and starting to establish itself. (Unlike so many alcoholics, Mr. M is not one bit lazy and has an AWESOME work ethic when he is sober... so this is not a "pretend to have my own business" set up... he is working his BUTT off... I am so impressed with him.)

I have SO much more to say about my therapy - future post.

About how much growing up I have had to do in letting go of Mr. M in my alcoholic marriage - even in sobriety and starting his own business and going to meetings and parenting, etc.

About friendships.

About parenting.

About my own parents.

About money.

About God.

About learning about my own flaws.

Wow... there are my next 9 posts all laid out for me.

See you soon.

Keep on keeping on.

xo

Mutual Agreements

Mr. M's currently does not live at home... he still lives at a sober-living facility. (He calls this his 'dwelling', he won't call it his 'house' or 'home'). He pays $700 a month to rent a bed in this dwelling. He shares a room with a roomie (who can change if the guy gets drunk or moves out etc.). Food is provided (old expired stuff donated from stores - YUCK!). Each resident has chores, and just like kids & teenagers, they try to get out of them, try to get others to do them, make excuses as to why they couldn't do them, lie about whether they did them etc. (Not Mr. M though, he is a little OCD and not only does his own chores, but others' and tried to shame others into doing theirs.)

Anyhow, The guy who runs (owns?) his dwelling - I will call him "CIA", which is how he sometimes jokingly refers to himself, to stand for Catholic Irish Alcoholic - has 12 years sober and came over to meet with us about how to gradually work back into Mr. M coming home when he reaches 1 year sober (God willing) in March.

It was a very valuable meeting, in my opinion. But a meeting only people in an Alcoholic Marriage could understand. We calendared out expectations, including how many meetings Mr. M will go to a week - even when on vacation. When he might go to the gym, come over and visit, spend the night etc.

We talked about when I was butting in and "running his program", when I was just a loved one expressing concern, or when I was a human being setting boundaries.

Very blurred lines, to say the least.

We talked about how I attempt to control Mr. M, my children, my environment, and circumstances because I am afraid. We talked about what is my part and what is his part. We talked about Mr. M's responsibility to build trust and make me feel safe and willingness to commit to a schedule which I know and can set me watch by.

Our homework was to come up with a proposed calendar as well as a list of "Mutual Agreements"... we would submit these to CIA and Sponsor and Dr. and get some input. This is out first pass, for those who are interested:

MUTUAL AGREEMENTS
Overnights
July - September 25 -

Sat. night

September 25 – Thanksgiving:

Wed./Sat. nights
Thanksgiving – January 15:

Wed./Fri./Sat. nights
January 15 – March

Wed./Fri./Sat./Sun. nights

March - 1 year sober, move home!

Program & Counseling
Mr. M will go to 4 meetings a week and 1 individual counseling session a week.
Mr. M will locate & attend at least 3 meetings a week while on any vacations.
Mrs. M will go to counseling & Bible Study each week.
Mrs. M will look for a new Al-Anon meeting, finding one to be her “home meeting”.
Mr. M & Mrs. M will ask CIA about the couples' meeting he recommended and/or find another couples' meeting.
Mr. M & Mrs. M will consider and investigate couples counseling.
Mr. M will work Steps 4-9 before coming home (not beginning "1 week" before, but be working on them from September until March.)
Mr. M will do service committee commitment at local facility where drunks go to dry out. (Mrs. M will support and encourage that.)
Mr. M will keep and work with a Sponsor.
Mr. M will incorporate some morning workouts and meetings into his schedule.

Household
Mrs. M will use more words like “we” and “ours” instead of “I”, “mine” and “my”, especially as they get closer to March.

When Mr. M comes home, Mrs. M will clean off Mr. M’s side of the bed and end table and respect the sanctity of these areas in addition to the workbench in the garage.

Mr. M will not throw Mrs. M’s stuff in the trash, but has the right to have a trash bag or box somewhere to dump it if she stacks or piles in his areas.

Mr. M agrees to incur no new debt without Mrs. M’s agreement.

Mr. M will provide Mrs. M with at least $250 per week child support.

Mr. M & Mrs. M will agree to try the “letter” communication in a couple big disagreements as another tool to help. (Writing letters to one another to express feeling and giving time between communications to digest information and respectfully communicate.)

Mrs. M will not ask Mr. M to leave the house and neither Mr. M nor Mrs. M will threaten divorce in anger in routine, day to day arguments.

Therapy - Hurt Feelings

Recently, Mr. M decided to break up with his therapist. (Rightly so, in my controlling opinion.) But I assumed (because I want to control everything) he would be finding a new, "better" therapist. Instead, he decided that perhaps he would not GO to therapy any more (FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!! What?! Is he cured???).

I, of course, think this is unacceptable, and I kinda panicked. I got all up in his kitchen and started threatening ("If you stop going the therapy, I don't know if I can be around you any more" etc... not the healthiest interaction I have been part of this year). He told me to "work my own program" (ouch). To which I responded that I am not sure how I am supposed to react. I STRONGLY believe in the value of therapy right now in our lives. He is an adult and he can decide not to go. And I am an adult and I can decide that I don't want to continue to try to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to invest in healthy changes. So he is free to make his decision and I am free to make mine. But this got all mucky because my decision is seen as (and very well could be) a manipulation and threat. Plus he IS trying to invest in healthy changes: going to multiple meetings a week, using a sponsor etc... it's not like he isn't doing anything. I cannot control him and force him to be in therapy (or for that matter, work a program or not work a program, drink or not drink, call his sponsor or not call his sponsor etc.)... but I CAN set a boundary to protect myself.

So the question is: where & when is a boundary healthy and where & when is it sick and controlling?

So I told Mr. M I would call Dr. and get some perspective.

I did.

Dr. called me back and gave me a little input and thought and then after about 5 minutes said his typical "I have to wrap this up". My feelings were hurt by this. In my whole year of therapy, I don't think I have EVER called him (possibly one other time, but I don't think so). I do not want to ask for help or "use up" all my calls (I have made up some kind of limits and my scarcity mentality causes me to limit myself so I don't use them all up because there is not enough). So when I finally feel desperate enough to call, my feelings were hurt that he had to rush off the phone.

Then I felt ashamed and embarrassed for even having these feelings. After all, it IS his job, and he has 2 small children and is probably desperately needed at home, and it could wait until next tuesday, and I am asking too much, and he DID call me back and DID give me 5 minutes etc. etc. etc. I was busy talking myself out of my feelings and not just listening to them and hearing and validating that I was hurt.

So the next tuesday, I thought I should maybe bring it up to him... but I didn't have the courage.

So I talked about other things (the relatives leaving etc.) and after a while there was an awkward silence. I decided I should maybe tell him my feelings were hurt. Right when I started to talk, he started to say something... he stopped and asked me what I was going to say and I said "no", what was HE going to say? (I was a chicken and relieved that he was going to talk!!).

He was wondering what was going on with me... he said I was very distant and disconnected.

CRAP!

I asked him if I had been this way at all in the past year.

He said I had not.

He was basically asking me "what are we not talking about?".

I couldn't do it.

I slogged through the whole hour and DIDN'T SAY A WORD about it!

Later that day, I called and left a message and told him that he had hurt my feelings and I felt stupid and embarrassed that my feelings were hurt about it... yada yada yada.

He called me back the next evening and we talked about it.

I then had to go in the following Tuesday and discuss it (ugh).

It was good though.

He was very gentle with me about it and very encouraging.

Growth.

Scary but hopeful.

[I had thought I had disconnected and been distant because he hurt my feelings, but in retrospect, I don't think it was because Dr. hurt my feelings per se. I think it was more because I wanted to protect myself from expectations and hurt and needing too much and being let down.]

Signs of Strange Behavior

The post for today copied and pasted from alanondiary.blogspot.com, a blog I really enjoy.
And then I have added my own list below.

This post is about strange behavior of the alcoholic. Some things I should have seen as not "normal." I was lulled into a sense that this is a normal behavior pattern for a person. Below are some of the signs I maybe could have seen and recognized as alcoholism.  As you know, my story is one where I lived with alcoholism for years. I was married to an alcoholic.  Here's the strangest thing. I never knew that my wife - my "qualifier" was drinking. I just grew accustomed to how she was behaving and "just thought" that this - her strange and erratic behavior was normal.

Here are some signs of the strange behavior;
1. Failure at being on time - to anything. I am not compulsive about being "on time" especially outside of the business world. But being late all the time - for anything and everything should have been a "sign" that something was wrong.  By the way, her parents had the same problem with her. She would always be late to everything. And they thought it was "just her."

2. Forgetfulness. Yes, forgetting - a lot. Even forgot to pick her daughter up from school - or was late. Forgot to go grocery shopping - so there was little or no food in the house.

3. Shopping all the time. Another addiction. Forever leaving the house and shopping at the grocery store. It was "just one more thing" at this store or that.

4. Being unorganized - all the time.

5. Moodiness . . . especially at certain times. At 5PM every day she would become the devil. Her face would actually contort - twist - and she would be pissed off at me.
6. Being called a "Control Freak" - is a sign that you maybe controlling. But you are controlling something you don't understand and don't know why. For example, when you start asking questions about why your spouse is going out and you get "none-sensical answers" and you are then called a "control freak" - you may not be the problem, but your intuition is trying to tell you something is wrong and you are NOT listening or you are rationalizing it away. Being called a control freak may be a sign that you are controlling - you are not bad - you are just trying to figure out something that is not making sense. The problem is not recognizing that something is actually wrong.
7. Being controlling. Once you step into trying to control this disease - you lose. You lose your identity and the disease in the other person becomes more powerful in that the disease tells the alcoholic - "See, she/he is a bad person. Let's drink some more."

8. Missing work. Missing planes. Missing assignments. This occurred with Girl Scouts.

9. House a wreck. Car a wreck. I mean a mess. When stuff is scattered all over the floor -clothes or whatever or crud in the car - this is a sign. She was medicating herself away from the reality of life.
10. In my case - our daughter was always being "medicated." It was Motrin this and Motrin that for any pain. I have 4 full bottles of Motrin over my house (I no longer live with my wife and have filed for the big D in hopes that I could/can show some normalcy for our daughter). Our daughter would bring these bottles over in her suit case. I take them out and place them in the cupboard now. She was "in pain." But for some reason, once she was here, the pain was forgotten. I think this may be some sort of transference - my wife medicates herself and she wants to medicate our daughter. As I write this - I am a little pissed about this and would like to figure out what the heck to do about it.
11. Neighborhood women - they were sorta talking about my wife and how "funny" she was. I never "drilled down" into asking what they meant or what they were referring to.

12. Eating habits. My wife would eat a lot. Would these be munchies?

13. She was overly caring about what the neighbors thought of her. She wanted to show she was "perfect" on the outside, but in our home, it was a disaster. No dinners for us. But she would cook food for others who were coming home from the hospital after a baby was born or some event. Their dinner was perfect. Ours, well it sucked or did not exist. A big sign. The alcoholic and the alcoholism does not want to be found out, and wanted to put on a "perfect front." This is very normal in an alcoholic home. Sometimes the spouse of the alcoholic wants to put on the air of everything normal over here. But in reality - the house is screwed. And it - the pretending and denial affects the children - here's how: their gut/intuition is telling them something is wrong - but they are being told "don't worry about it" or "everything is normal" and "don't tell anyone." Puts a big pressure on a little person and makes them grow up confused as all hell.

14. Too many glasses of wine. Kendall Jackson was the affair with whom my wife had. I wonder how may people are drinking to be healthy and in reality - are now alcoholics . . . I really wonder. Who would think an alcoholic could be a white wine drinker?

15. Wife would go MIA for 10 minutes or 30 minutes. Our house was fairly large. So she could hide and drink. Another sign. Duh.

Anyway, these were some of my signs I "coulda," - "shoulda" seen.  I know the focus needs to be on us - but there are some people out there who may be experiencing alcoholism and they are like us - they never knew it or don't know it - and need help to see it.

*********************************

My list:

* Breath smells sickly sweet (vodka, which supposedly isn't supposed to smell at all).  I confront Mr. M about it and his excuses are plentiful and profuse.  He just put a dip (chewing tobacco) in.  And I lie to myself and tell myself maybe he has diabetes or something and that's why his breath smells sweet.  So I would start hounding him to go to the dr. to get it checked out.

* Lying about things... even little things... a LOT.  Getting caught and then making up an excuse or a lie to cover it.  I can't even remember any examples, but I was baffled all the time and was willing to thing that maybe I was crazy rather than see the truth that he was drinking again!\.

* My normally tidy, controlling husband didn't care about mess and didn't get off the couch to participate in life.

* Never getting off the couch.  The hours of sleeping and watching TV in the same position are too numerous to count.

* Sleeping excessively.

* Detachment.  "Elvis has left the building".  He ceased to be present emotionally in ANY part of the family... His body was there, but his heart, soul, and even brain, had truly "left the building".

* Not fulfilling commitments he absolutely would have under normal circumstances.

* Excessive anger over trivial things, like the time he had hiccups that would not go away and he broke down a door and tore the rod out of the closet... weird... couldn't explain it.

* Oh, this is a biggie:  He didn't eat dessert anymore!  When we used to go out to dinner, he could be counted on to always want dessert.  (Sober alcoholics often need & want sweets - to replace the alcohol in their systems, Mr. M was like this.)  Once he started drinking again, he never wanted to eat dessert (at home or out).  he would even say things like "you know I am not a dessert eater!"... and I am thinking "since when".

* Always accuses me of nagging or controlling him.

I know there are more and I will add them as I think of them.  Thanks to Joe at alanondiary.blogspot.com for your healthy, insightful posts, I appreciate you.

Blogless (in Seattle?)

It's been a long time. 

A lot has happened.  

I wish I could've blogged about it, but I didn't.  My heart was broken and I couldn't even bother to make dinner for the kids each night, so blogging was waaayy down on the priority list. Bummer.  Now that I am coming out of it a little, I WISH I could read what I would have written about it.... because it is another piece of the truth of the alcoholic marriage.  But I can't go back in time, and self-flagellation will not change anything, so I will just pick up from where I left off.  I still don't have any readers, so no one really missed me yet... but I missed myself... and maybe one day, when I HAVE readers, they too will miss this chunk of time and wish they could've read what I would've said.

Mr. M went off the deep end again (gasp!).  He ran away from his program (this is incorrect, he actually stumbled away or shuffled away and possibly even staggered away, but I am pretty sure there was no running involved).  He ended up being found by the police LAYING ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD (a very public road, I might add).  He was put up in a hotel for a night but was so intoxicated the following morning that he could not check out or pay, so the police had to be called (again).  He was soooooo far down... his bottom is soooo much lower than I could have anticipated in my worst nightmares.  Now that I could actually picture my prayers for his death being answered, not only was I really, pretty sure I didn't want him to die, I also GOT (in my deepest, most dense and stubborn part of my brain and heart), that I didn't get a say, one way or the other.  For - I think - the first time in my life, I truly, deeply understood that I am not in control (of anything other than myself)!

It has been a dark - but necessary - couple of months.

I am coming out of it.

Mr. M has a little over 30 days sober.  We may not have him tomorrow, but we are enjoying him today.

I may not stay married to him tomorrow... but today, I believe I will.

I still fantasize about meeting and marrying someone else and starting fresh and new... but don't give it as much power or weight any more.

I have unclenched my fist today and I FEEL a little less angry, scared, and brittle.

I look at myself in the mirror every day and tell myself I love myself.

"I love you, me" I say sincerely, looking deeply into my eyes "I really love you."  

(I don't think I totally believe me yet, but I am working on it.)

I also have 3 things I am praying for and SEEING happening to me:

I am SEEING myself thin and fit and healthy (not to get a man to love me, but so I feel healthy and good about myself).

I am SEEING myself earning $160k a year (not THAT much further to go... well, OK, it's a ways, but seems do-able!) and being financially free and able to tithe cheerfully and give generously - whether Mr. M is in the picture or not.

And SEEING my marriage miraculously restored.  (I am going to believe God for it... and both God and Mr. M are going to do what they are going to do).

I am also choosing to be GRATEFUL for Mr. M's alcoholism and this whole journey.  I am a grateful Believer who BELIEVES God is who He says He is and can do what He says He can do.