The Bickersons

Last night Mr. M and I grabbed dinner and then were going to watch a DVD. When we got home, the kids were all home and chatty. So we hung out a while with them. Then it got to be late (10PM). I suggested we retire to the bedroom to watch the movie.

Mr. M said it was getting late. He wasn't sure he was going to watch it now if he wasn't going to be allowed to spend the night.

I KNOW he was just setting a boundary, which is healthy. In therapy with Dr., he had said it is OK for me to set boundaries and honor my feelings, but likewise, Mr. M gets to decide to set his OWN boundaries and honor HIS feeling.

So last night because I wouldn't let him spend the night (my boundary), he decided he didn't want to stay late at our house and get relaxed and cozy then get up after midnight and go out into the chilly night and drive to Hacker & Wifey's house with no parking and park far away and walk 10 minutes then get back home to bed where he is no longer relaxed and ready for bed (his boundary).

I felt a little miffed because to ME, it feels like I am getting punished for him drinking and falling apart to the point when I had to ask him to move out... so now, because he doesn't live here (consequence of HIS drinking), he has to leave late at night and get cold and be tired, so he doesn't want to stay and spend the evening with me as a result. So I get "punished" again and again because he doesn't live here. (On a scale of 1-10, this one only felt like a 2, but our Christmas Eve fight - I posted about it here- was in the same vein and felt more like an 8.)

So it is just all so mixed up and confused.

I am happy (truly I am!) that he is setting boundaries. (I validated this last night.)

This is necessary for his growth and health and hopefully, ultimately will contribute to his sobriety.

At the same time, there is still LOSS in it for me and I don't feel like he is AT ALL yet able to validate me in that.

I am still recovering from the heartbreak that he drank and that my world (and the kids') is all upside down again and I feel frightened and alone and unsafe.

I feel angry that he wants to saunter back in here and act like 7 weeks sobriety is enough to erase the upheaval and terror and abandonment.

I feel hopeless when I wonder "When will it ever be MY turn to have a meltdown?".

He went home last night and got all cozy in his bed and watched a movie then he got up this morning and went to a meeting then came over. I got my 5 1/2 mile walk in with a friend while he was at his meeting and so was feeling great by the time I got home.

I thought that was a nice start to the day.

I wasn't mad.

I didn't think he was.

But now the day has been spent in NEW misunderstandings and bickerings and I feel like BOTH of us are left scratching our heads.

This is SO tiring...

Alcoholic Marriage Wordle 2, 3, 4...

I am a little addicted.

But I'm done.

Seriously.

I have made like 391 of them (www.wordle.net), but I will post just a few for edification (or fun!)... 

These were created not from my blog but from a word list I created using recovery or feeling words that applied to my situation and resonated with me.  Using that same wordlist repeatedly, either randomly or by my design, fonts, colors, layout, etc. can be changed.  (The bigger words are bigger because they are repeated more often, so for example, I said "hurt", "God", and "ask" more than once in the list.)

Therapy Day 9.30.08

Today was therapy.

I told Dr. about the dream I had about him.

The dream was that his office was the waiting room.

People kept coming in DURING my session and sitting next to me on the sofa while waiting for their therapist to come get them.

The receptionist was right in the office too, answering phones, taking calls, filing etc. (Her name was Yolanda, in my dream.)

Dr. had some forms I had completed and he wanted to review them with me so he handed them to me... they were someone else's (2 different peoples' stapled together, but not mine).

I was kind of fretting and planning HOW I could tell him that I couldn't do therapy with Yolanda in the room and I didn't know what to do with these papers that were not mine. I didn't want to sound threatening or demanding... but at the same time, I know I could not do therapy this way.

His next clients came in and sat right there with us in the "waiting room" which was his office.

There was a young girl with them (maybe 6-8) and she leaned against Dr. very familiarly (like a family member). He patted her fondly and kissed her forehead... I was JEALOUS!... I wanted to be loved and familiar like that. (Embarrassing!) I remember thinking that it made sense to me now that he would not see my friends for therapy and that he did not want his clients talking and hanging out.

When i woke up, i was sad and felt weird. I was embarrassed.

I knew I didn't want to tell him about my dream... which of course made me know that I needed to all the more (terrific!).

We didn't get to it until the last 10 minutes or so... but I DID tell him... he said there was a lot to unpack there and that we should talk about it next week.

We also talked about comfort.

I feel an endless, bottomless need for care and comfort.

He said he thinks that maybe I THINK I need comfort, but that no one can really make it "OK"... no one could truly comfort me effectively (true!!!). He said he thinks there is more value in someone being PRESENT with me in my feelings... allowing me to have them, not rescuing me, just BEING THERE.

He said more and more he is interested in the possibility of parenting kids and even babies this way... that maybe comforting them (shooshing them, jiggling them, getting them to stop crying) might not be what they need. After they have been fed, diapered, burped, etc... perhaps they just need someone to be with them... truly with them, while they cried and felt their feelings. Someone to see them, hear them, make eye contact with them and be present with them while they felt their feelings.

Interesting concept.

I just almost typed "I love him".

Then I stopped and felt weird.

I don't know what my feelings are.

I feel hopeful.

I really want him to be the 'real deal'... but what IS the 'real deal'?

Someone who is really CAPABLE of helping me and being strong and confident and leading me where I need to go?

And I can't really feel like I love him.

I don't even KNOW him!

I love who he is to ME.

Hmmm... stuff to think about.

Abandonment

I found this on a blog and it resonated with me:

"Ever been rejected? Ever wanted to be chosen ahead of, before, above anyone or anything else?  Me too.
It's what I thought I'd find in love with another person. Didn't happen.
Wasn't cherished or adored or.....chosen most of all.
When you realize there IS a list of priorities in another person's heart and you aren't at the top...it's crushing, sobering. Heart wrenchingly sad.

Abandonment: The feeling of being forsaken and alone.

To believe you are worthy and valuable in God's eyes, is a stretch when human love has been so unsteady, unreliable, uncertain.
To believe God loves you foremost, that you are His crown of all creation, feeeeeels ridiculous. I know. I struggle with it too, sometimes.

When there has been no one on earth to completely love you most of all, makes it nearly impossible to believe there is such love for you in heaven.

Yet, inspite of being "unchosen" thus far on earth, I am banking my life on the belief that God truly truly actually does love me like that. I believe He chose me, chose to give all of His love to me. I believe He aches to be in relationship with me. I believe He pursues me and that He'd rather die than live without me. I believe that.  Tonight I don't feel that, but I believe that."

Being in an alcoholic marriage, married to an alcoholic husband, this is my life story: abandonment.  Knowing that when he is drinking, Mr. M would choose the bottle any second of the day over me.

And I confess, I have believed and hoped and clung and held on and struggled and "obeyed" and 'tried", and encouraged and ______ (fill in the blank) for 20 years.  I am tired.  I think I am hurt and angry and bitter.  I feel dried up and disconnected and done.  I don't want to be mad at God.  I want to be better than that, to have bigger faith than that.  But today, I need to be honest (maybe being honest will get me out of this dry, dry desert): I wonder where god is in this time.

How many times will I hurt and cry and will he leave me there sobbing in a heap on the floor and not protect me, not save me?

It feels like when I was little and I would get hurt and not allow my parents to comfort me... I knew it wasn't what I needed or it was inconsistent, so I pushed them away... and even when I was itty bitty, they let me push them away!!!  They needed to be to grown-ups and push past my protests and hug me and hold me.  When i was an ugly, hateful teen and screamed that i hated them, I needed them to be the adults and KNOW that I was just a little girl, trying too hard to be a grown-up and I need them to push past my vile outside and hug me and let me know they saw and still believed in and loved my insides.

I feel this way about God.

He is GOD.

He should KNOW that I am too tired and worn out and weak and hurt to keep doing this.

And yet He allows it to continue.

He leaves me here on my own, to fend for myself.

I need Him to be in charge and push through and take care of me.

Therapy - Hurt Feelings

Recently, Mr. M decided to break up with his therapist. (Rightly so, in my controlling opinion.) But I assumed (because I want to control everything) he would be finding a new, "better" therapist. Instead, he decided that perhaps he would not GO to therapy any more (FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!! What?! Is he cured???).

I, of course, think this is unacceptable, and I kinda panicked. I got all up in his kitchen and started threatening ("If you stop going the therapy, I don't know if I can be around you any more" etc... not the healthiest interaction I have been part of this year). He told me to "work my own program" (ouch). To which I responded that I am not sure how I am supposed to react. I STRONGLY believe in the value of therapy right now in our lives. He is an adult and he can decide not to go. And I am an adult and I can decide that I don't want to continue to try to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to invest in healthy changes. So he is free to make his decision and I am free to make mine. But this got all mucky because my decision is seen as (and very well could be) a manipulation and threat. Plus he IS trying to invest in healthy changes: going to multiple meetings a week, using a sponsor etc... it's not like he isn't doing anything. I cannot control him and force him to be in therapy (or for that matter, work a program or not work a program, drink or not drink, call his sponsor or not call his sponsor etc.)... but I CAN set a boundary to protect myself.

So the question is: where & when is a boundary healthy and where & when is it sick and controlling?

So I told Mr. M I would call Dr. and get some perspective.

I did.

Dr. called me back and gave me a little input and thought and then after about 5 minutes said his typical "I have to wrap this up". My feelings were hurt by this. In my whole year of therapy, I don't think I have EVER called him (possibly one other time, but I don't think so). I do not want to ask for help or "use up" all my calls (I have made up some kind of limits and my scarcity mentality causes me to limit myself so I don't use them all up because there is not enough). So when I finally feel desperate enough to call, my feelings were hurt that he had to rush off the phone.

Then I felt ashamed and embarrassed for even having these feelings. After all, it IS his job, and he has 2 small children and is probably desperately needed at home, and it could wait until next tuesday, and I am asking too much, and he DID call me back and DID give me 5 minutes etc. etc. etc. I was busy talking myself out of my feelings and not just listening to them and hearing and validating that I was hurt.

So the next tuesday, I thought I should maybe bring it up to him... but I didn't have the courage.

So I talked about other things (the relatives leaving etc.) and after a while there was an awkward silence. I decided I should maybe tell him my feelings were hurt. Right when I started to talk, he started to say something... he stopped and asked me what I was going to say and I said "no", what was HE going to say? (I was a chicken and relieved that he was going to talk!!).

He was wondering what was going on with me... he said I was very distant and disconnected.

CRAP!

I asked him if I had been this way at all in the past year.

He said I had not.

He was basically asking me "what are we not talking about?".

I couldn't do it.

I slogged through the whole hour and DIDN'T SAY A WORD about it!

Later that day, I called and left a message and told him that he had hurt my feelings and I felt stupid and embarrassed that my feelings were hurt about it... yada yada yada.

He called me back the next evening and we talked about it.

I then had to go in the following Tuesday and discuss it (ugh).

It was good though.

He was very gentle with me about it and very encouraging.

Growth.

Scary but hopeful.

[I had thought I had disconnected and been distant because he hurt my feelings, but in retrospect, I don't think it was because Dr. hurt my feelings per se. I think it was more because I wanted to protect myself from expectations and hurt and needing too much and being let down.]