"Ever been rejected? Ever wanted to be chosen ahead of, before, above anyone or anything else? Me too.
It's what I thought I'd find in love with another person. Didn't happen.
Wasn't cherished or adored or.....chosen most of all.
When you realize there IS a list of priorities in another person's heart and you aren't at the top...it's crushing, sobering. Heart wrenchingly sad.
Abandonment: The feeling of being forsaken and alone.
To believe you are worthy and valuable in God's eyes, is a stretch when human love has been so unsteady, unreliable, uncertain.
To believe God loves you foremost, that you are His crown of all creation, feeeeeels ridiculous. I know. I struggle with it too, sometimes.
When there has been no one on earth to completely love you most of all, makes it nearly impossible to believe there is such love for you in heaven.
Yet, inspite of being "unchosen" thus far on earth, I am banking my life on the belief that God truly truly actually does love me like that. I believe He chose me, chose to give all of His love to me. I believe He aches to be in relationship with me. I believe He pursues me and that He'd rather die than live without me. I believe that. Tonight I don't feel that, but I believe that."
Being in an alcoholic marriage, married to an alcoholic husband, this is my life story: abandonment. Knowing that when he is drinking, Mr. M would choose the bottle any second of the day over me.
And I confess, I have believed and hoped and clung and held on and struggled and "obeyed" and 'tried", and encouraged and ______ (fill in the blank) for 20 years. I am tired. I think I am hurt and angry and bitter. I feel dried up and disconnected and done. I don't want to be mad at God. I want to be better than that, to have bigger faith than that. But today, I need to be honest (maybe being honest will get me out of this dry, dry desert): I wonder where god is in this time.
How many times will I hurt and cry and will he leave me there sobbing in a heap on the floor and not protect me, not save me?
It feels like when I was little and I would get hurt and not allow my parents to comfort me... I knew it wasn't what I needed or it was inconsistent, so I pushed them away... and even when I was itty bitty, they let me push them away!!! They needed to be to grown-ups and push past my protests and hug me and hold me. When i was an ugly, hateful teen and screamed that i hated them, I needed them to be the adults and KNOW that I was just a little girl, trying too hard to be a grown-up and I need them to push past my vile outside and hug me and let me know they saw and still believed in and loved my insides.
I feel this way about God.
He is GOD.
He should KNOW that I am too tired and worn out and weak and hurt to keep doing this.
And yet He allows it to continue.
He leaves me here on my own, to fend for myself.
I need Him to be in charge and push through and take care of me.
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