Therapy Day 9.30.08

Today was therapy.

I told Dr. about the dream I had about him.

The dream was that his office was the waiting room.

People kept coming in DURING my session and sitting next to me on the sofa while waiting for their therapist to come get them.

The receptionist was right in the office too, answering phones, taking calls, filing etc. (Her name was Yolanda, in my dream.)

Dr. had some forms I had completed and he wanted to review them with me so he handed them to me... they were someone else's (2 different peoples' stapled together, but not mine).

I was kind of fretting and planning HOW I could tell him that I couldn't do therapy with Yolanda in the room and I didn't know what to do with these papers that were not mine. I didn't want to sound threatening or demanding... but at the same time, I know I could not do therapy this way.

His next clients came in and sat right there with us in the "waiting room" which was his office.

There was a young girl with them (maybe 6-8) and she leaned against Dr. very familiarly (like a family member). He patted her fondly and kissed her forehead... I was JEALOUS!... I wanted to be loved and familiar like that. (Embarrassing!) I remember thinking that it made sense to me now that he would not see my friends for therapy and that he did not want his clients talking and hanging out.

When i woke up, i was sad and felt weird. I was embarrassed.

I knew I didn't want to tell him about my dream... which of course made me know that I needed to all the more (terrific!).

We didn't get to it until the last 10 minutes or so... but I DID tell him... he said there was a lot to unpack there and that we should talk about it next week.

We also talked about comfort.

I feel an endless, bottomless need for care and comfort.

He said he thinks that maybe I THINK I need comfort, but that no one can really make it "OK"... no one could truly comfort me effectively (true!!!). He said he thinks there is more value in someone being PRESENT with me in my feelings... allowing me to have them, not rescuing me, just BEING THERE.

He said more and more he is interested in the possibility of parenting kids and even babies this way... that maybe comforting them (shooshing them, jiggling them, getting them to stop crying) might not be what they need. After they have been fed, diapered, burped, etc... perhaps they just need someone to be with them... truly with them, while they cried and felt their feelings. Someone to see them, hear them, make eye contact with them and be present with them while they felt their feelings.

Interesting concept.

I just almost typed "I love him".

Then I stopped and felt weird.

I don't know what my feelings are.

I feel hopeful.

I really want him to be the 'real deal'... but what IS the 'real deal'?

Someone who is really CAPABLE of helping me and being strong and confident and leading me where I need to go?

And I can't really feel like I love him.

I don't even KNOW him!

I love who he is to ME.

Hmmm... stuff to think about.