Mr. M said it was getting late. He wasn't sure he was going to watch it now if he wasn't going to be allowed to spend the night.
I KNOW he was just setting a boundary, which is healthy. In therapy with Dr., he had said it is OK for me to set boundaries and honor my feelings, but likewise, Mr. M gets to decide to set his OWN boundaries and honor HIS feeling.
So last night because I wouldn't let him spend the night (my boundary), he decided he didn't want to stay late at our house and get relaxed and cozy then get up after midnight and go out into the chilly night and drive to Hacker & Wifey's house with no parking and park far away and walk 10 minutes then get back home to bed where he is no longer relaxed and ready for bed (his boundary).
I felt a little miffed because to ME, it feels like I am getting punished for him drinking and falling apart to the point when I had to ask him to move out... so now, because he doesn't live here (consequence of HIS drinking), he has to leave late at night and get cold and be tired, so he doesn't want to stay and spend the evening with me as a result. So I get "punished" again and again because he doesn't live here. (On a scale of 1-10, this one only felt like a 2, but our Christmas Eve fight - I posted about it here- was in the same vein and felt more like an 8.)
So it is just all so mixed up and confused.
I am happy (truly I am!) that he is setting boundaries. (I validated this last night.)
This is necessary for his growth and health and hopefully, ultimately will contribute to his sobriety.
At the same time, there is still LOSS in it for me and I don't feel like he is AT ALL yet able to validate me in that.
I am still recovering from the heartbreak that he drank and that my world (and the kids') is all upside down again and I feel frightened and alone and unsafe.
I feel angry that he wants to saunter back in here and act like 7 weeks sobriety is enough to erase the upheaval and terror and abandonment.
I feel hopeless when I wonder "When will it ever be MY turn to have a meltdown?".
He went home last night and got all cozy in his bed and watched a movie then he got up this morning and went to a meeting then came over. I got my 5 1/2 mile walk in with a friend while he was at his meeting and so was feeling great by the time I got home.
I thought that was a nice start to the day.
I wasn't mad.
I didn't think he was.
But now the day has been spent in NEW misunderstandings and bickerings and I feel like BOTH of us are left scratching our heads.
This is SO tiring...
Al-Anon helped me deal with those angry feelings and the resentment I had over not being able to have "my meltdown". But the truth was that I was having one all the time and feeling terribly angry and messed up. Anyway, for what it's worth, I went to Al-Anon and worked the steps to get rid of a lot of resentment that I felt towards the alcoholic.
ReplyDeleteUgh Syd, I agree. I AM having one all the time!!!
ReplyDeleteI need to get back to Al-Anon. I am not sure why I am avoiding it. I liked it when I went.
I just feel busy & overwhelmed; I work, single-earn, single-parent, go to therapy, go to Bible Study, try to fit in exercise, try to maintain friendships with AMAZING women in my life, and be home every evening for the kids. I keep telling myself that I will go when the kids are all gone (in 2 years). But maybe I am getting "sick and tired of being sick and tired" and might find I need to go back sooner than later... because getting rid of my resentment sounds like a relief...