Mr. M Goes Dirt Biking

I am angry and posting only to vent.

Mr. M left on a motorcycle riding trip today with some sober friends.

I think I may have mentioned before my torn feelings about this 2nd trip in a 30 day period for him.

On the one hand I am happy for him having sober fun doing something he loves, taking time for himself, and developing friendships with some guys with long-term sobriety.

On the other hand, I feel kind of bitter because he just took 2 months off of LIFE, drinking himself to near death in a motel etc... so I am kind of like "Now is your time to think of others and be around to help your wife and kids who need you".

But then i cycle around to wanting him to have good things and GO and then I am pissed that he is going. etc etc etc etc etc.

(This is an internal dialogue... to HIM, I only said that I had mixed emotions and briefly told him why.)

Anyhow, what I did NOT say was that I am not a big fan of dirt biking.

It is expensive - bikes are expensive and they break a lot.

It is dangerous - the guys like to ride "balls out" as they call it, and even if YOU are safe, a lot of other people drive drunk and crash into you.

So this evening, I get a call from Mr. M.

He says he has crashed and has totalled the bike he bought the day before from a friend (turns out the bike is fine, but this is what he thought at the time). He says he f**ked up his shoulder really bad. He has rocks imbedded in his elbows and knees. One buddy is staying with him, the other one is racing to go get the truck and come back. It is getting dark and they are in the middle of no where. Thank GOD the friend has a GPS and can mark the spot where Mr. M is so he can actually FIND him when he returns with the truck!

The friend come back to get him eventually - after about 1.5 hours of Mr. M laying in the dirt in the dark in the freezing cold.

They take him to the hospital.

he has a broken right arm and a thrashed left shoulder (torn tendons and ligaments, it looks like). His back (he had spine surgery last january) is spasming and goodness knows WHAT injuries are there!

This man has no life insurance and no disability insurance. He is jeopardizing our family again - for sport! (I have forgiven him much when he is in his addiction but to do this in addition feels inexcusable to me right now.)

Now he has a bunch of new medical bills (we have a $6k deductible and then percentages up to $10k).

He is injured terribly - both arms - so he will not be able to work.

Is he going to expect the KIDS (Hacker & Wifey) to nurse him and take care of him?

Am I expected to? I don't want to or intend to, but I feel badly dumping that on Hacker & Wifey (although that is THEIR choice - they can be responsible for themselves and I can be responsible for me).

The kids heard the news and got quite scared and upset (Drummer most of all, poor guy).

Please let me say for the record that I was kind and compassionate to Mr. M on the phone. I said all the right things. I was just not FEELING compassionate. Later in the evening when he called from ER and wanted to talk about the bills and how fast he was going etc., I DID say I was angry and later that I was not paying the bills.

Girlie overheard this (my fault - we were in the car) and seemed mad at me.

I told her I had been nice all evening and was just expressing a little of my frustration.

She said "It is none of my business" and did not talk to me any more tonight.

I THINK she is in shock over and over again by the fear of losing her dad. He has NO IDEA what he does to her, jeopardizing himself like this.

I am not like crazy angry.

I am numb.

I am tired.

I am running on empty.

I have NO margin for this emotionally.

I do not feel compassion... I only want to leave him.

I do not have the emotional wherewithal to deal with his self-centeredness.

Don't know how long he I can do this...

(PS - Don't even get me STARTED on his pain and needing pain killers and my fear of that spinning him down the road of addiction... I don't even want to OPEN that can of worms!!!!!)