I kinda get what he means and he IS doing well, but I will confess, it does NOT seem like a year to me!
I am so glad he is feeling strong and confident and good and like this is all behind him, but I am still in shock and traumatized.
I am grieving like someone died.
I am not trying to be melodramatic.
I mean, he only relapsed and relapse is part of recovery.
I know this and yet his relapses are the destruction of our family.
As I have previously outlined:
He doesn't work. (Therefore he doesn't earn ANY income so 100% of the burden is on me.)
He is non-functional.
He is scary and destructive (breaking things, yelling, peeing and vomiting on things etc.).
He doesn't pay his bills.
He drives drunk.
He drinks SO much, so heavily that his liver is disintegrating. (He drinks over a liter of straight vodka a day.)
He drinks as if trying to drown or poison something inside him.
There is not pretending he is a "party guy" or "just hanging out with the guys".
He drinks (guzzles) alone.
When he drinks I do not know if he will ever stop... and IF he does, will it be 3 years from now? (That is his norm.)
When he drinks, I don't know if he will live.
When I dropped him off at the motel back in mid-october, I drove away sobbing my GUTS out because I believed I might never hear from him/see him again. And we didn't even get to say an actual 'goodbye' because he was so drunk all he cared about was getting into his room and getting more booze.
I am sobbing hysterically driving away and he is stumbling to his motel room with barely a glance back. (When he checked in with me each day to tell me he was still alive, he was clear he did not want help yet, but wanted to keep drinking.)
This happened a mere 6 weeks ago.
He is still not living at home (we are talking about the 90 day mark - as he is currently doing "90 meetings in 90 days"), he is still barely able to contribute to supporting the family because not he has his OWN separate rent to pay.
So no... I am sorry if it still seems tremendously fresh and doesn't seem anywhere CLOSE to a year yet.
I don't want to torture Mr. M, but nor can I lie, minimize, or enable. I am broken-hearted, tired, and frightened. I don't want to do this any more. I don't want to live waiting for the relapse that can be part of recovery.
He acted all "butt hurt" that he had to go home tonight (I had let him stay a couple nights over the holiday). I am butt hurt.
I am hurt he got drunk and left us alone again.
I am hurt he doesn't live here.
I am hurt my husband has to leave every evening and sleep somewhere else.
I am hurt (an embarrassed) that Girlie had 6 friends spend the night for New Years Eve and she thought he was leaving without saying good bye and asked "Daddy, are you leaving??? I thought you were staying here!" in front of her friends (who already KNOW what is going on, but still; humiliating! I feel like we are teenagers in an illicit relationship and he has to get home by curfew or something).
So as I crawl in bed, alone... again (and again and again and again ad infinitum), I know how many times I have cried myself to sleep night after night and if Mr. M wants to know something that feels like a year, I can tell him THAT feels like a year...
xo
xo
It is very exhausting and taxing. I remember when Sticks was not drinking for two weeks and I was basically going about my day obsessing about how long it would last and what was going to happen next. We live in a state of hypervigilance while they go about their day doing whatever they're doing...I hear you!
ReplyDeleteHang in there, my friend!
Your post sounds like the script of my life three years ago (hotel, solitary vodka, all of it!). My experience of those first days of my husband's sobriety were much different than his too. But time was good to us. We remained focused on our own recoveries with the help of BOTH Alanon and AA and three years later, I can truly say that script feels like it took place a lifetime ago. It takes patience, but as they say, "it works if you work it". Thanks for your share and keep writing!
ReplyDeleteHi everyone, I'm 32 and have always wanted kids. I met what I thought of, an amazing man and after 2 months I got pregnant. I found out that this man was seeing another woman. This so much hurt me becos he has become every part of me, And i just cant lose him to another woman. So i went in search of every possible solution, Then a coworker knew i was passing through emotional stress because i cry at every corner. My coworker advice me to meet a spell lady wh once helped her bring her lover back. the spell lady's name and email was Priestess Ifaa, and priestessifaa@yahoo.com respectively, I contacted her and she told me everything would be fine, I was so desperate to have the father of my child back and i gave every request she needed to cast the spell, And in just 2 days later, My lover confessed his deeds and apologize never to any of such. The spell lady did the spell that makes my lover and they other woman hate each other. I am so grateful for assuring me of my marriage, because now am confident that me and only have my man..
ReplyDeletei just want to share my experience and testimony here.. i was married for 4 years to my husband and all of a sudden, another woman came into the picture.. he started hailing me and he was abusive..but i still loved him with all my heart and wanted him at all cost…then he filed for divorce..my whole life was turning apart and i didn't know what to do..he moved out of the house and abandoned the kids.. so someone told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell caster…so i decided to try it reluctantly..although i didn't believe in all those things… then when he did the special prayers and spell, after 2days, my husband came back and was pleading..he had realized his mistakes..i just couldn't believe it.. anyways we are back together now and we are happy..in case anyone needs this man, his email address olotospellhome@yahoo.com his spells is for a better life. again his email is olotospellhome@yahoo.com
ReplyDeleteBe careful here nobody can help you here or even suggest how you can get your ex or love back,any testimonies of most spell caster here must be ignore.because most of them are scam i mean real scam which i was a victim and i got ripped of thousands of dollars because i was so anxious to get my wife back after she left me for over 2 years with my 7 years old son jerry,i have applied to 7 different spell caster here and all to no avail they all ask for same thing send your name your ex name address and picture phone number etc which i did over and over again and most of them were from west Africa until i saw a post about mama Anita spell and i decided to gave her my last trail.she ask me four things my real name,my ex and my ex mother name and $180 and said my ex will come back in 24hours, i have paid over $3000 on spell casting and courier and nothing have work for me after 3 days i was thinking about how much i have lost so far so i said let me give her a try so i called her again and send my real name,my ex and my ex mother name and the $180 because i swear it was my last try so i was waiting as she told me to wait till next day and i could not sleep that night because i really love my wife and want her back at 9pm that day i saw my wife on line on face book and she said hi at first i was shock because she never talk with me for the past a year and 9 month now i did not reply again she said are you there? i quickly reply yes and she said can we see tomorrow i said yes and she went off-line i was confused i try to chat her again but she was no more on line i could not sleep that night as i was wondering what she is going to say, by 7.am the next morning she gave me a miss call i decided not to call back as i was still on shock again she call and i pick she said can we see after work today i said yes so she end the call immediately i got off work she call me and we meet and now we are back again i call mama anita the next day thanking her for what she has done in fact i still call her and thank her as my life was not complete without my wife please be careful here i have been scam thousands of dollars if you want a true love spell then contact mama Anita (mama.anitatruelovespell@gmail.com)
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ReplyDeleteI am Victoria, I promise to share this testimony all over the world once my boyfriend return back to me, and today with all due respect i want to thank DR.ATILA for bringing joy and happiness to my relationship and my family. I want to inform you all that there is a spell caster that is real and genuine. I never believed in any of these things until i loosed my boyfriend, I required help until i found a grate spell caster, And he cast a love spell for me, and he assured me that I will get my boyfriend back in two days after the spell has been cast. two days later, my phone rang, and so shockingly, it was my boyfriend who has not called me for past 4 years now, and made an apology for the heart break, and told me that he is ready to be my back bone till the rest of his life with me. DR.ATILA released him up to know how much i loved and wanted him. And opened his eyes to picture how much we have share together. As I`m writing this testimony right now I`m the most happiest girl on earth and me and my boyfriend is living a happy life and our love is now stronger than how it were even before our break up. So that`s why I promised to share my testimony all over the universe.All thanks goes to DR.ATILA for the excessive work that he has done for me. Below is the email address in any situation you are undergoing a heart break, and I assure you that as he has done mine for me, he will definitely help you too. that is his email address atilahealinghome@yahoo.com
My Name is AZIBA OLUBOISE. I never believed in Love Spells or Magics until I met this special spell caster when i contact this man called shakesspear23@yahoo.com Execute some business..He is really powerful..My wife divorce me with no reason for almost 4 years and i tried all i could to have her back cos i really love her so much but all my effort did not work out.. we met at our early age at the college and we both have feelings for each other and we got married happily for 5 years with no kid and she woke up one morning and she told me she’s going on a divorce..i thought it was a joke and when she came back from work she tender to me a divorce letter and she packed all her loads from my house..i ran mad and i tried all i could to have her back but all did not work out..i was lonely for almost 4 years…So when i told the spell caster what happened he said he will help me and he asked for her full name and her picture..i gave him that..At first i was skeptical but i gave it a try cos have tried so many spell casters and there is no solution…so when he finished with the readings,he got back to me that she’s with a man and that man is the reason why she left me…The spell caster said he will help me with a spell that will surely bring her back.but i never believe all this…he told me i will see a positive result within 3 days..3 days later,she called me herself and came to me apologizingI NEVER BELIEVED IN LOVE SPELLS UNTIL I MET THIS WORLD'S TOP SPELL CASTER. HE IS REALLY POWERFUL AND COULD HELP CAST SPELLS TO BRING BACK ONE'S GONE,LOST,MISBEHAVING LOVER AND MAGIC MONEY SPELL OR SPELL FOR A GOOD JOB.I'M NOW HAPPY & A LIVING TESTIMONY COS THE WOMAN I HAD WANTED TO MARRY LEFT ME 2 WEEKS BEFORE OUR WEDDING AND MY LIFE WAS UPSIDE DOWN COS OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN ON FOR 2YEARS... I REALLY LOVED HIM, BUT HIS MOTHER WAS AGAINST US AND HE HAD NO GOOD PAYING JOB. SO WHEN I MET THIS SPELL CASTER, I TOLD HIM WHAT HAPPENED AND EXPLAINED THE SITUATION OF THINGS TO HIM..AT FIRST I WAS UNDECIDED,SKEPTICAL AND DOUBTFUL, BUT I JUST GAVE IT A TRY. AND IN 7 DAYS WHEN I RETURNED TO USA, MY GIRLFRIEND(NOW WIFE) CALLED ME BY HERSELF AND CAME TO ME APOLOGIZING THAT EVERYTHING HAD BEEN SETTLED WITH HIS MOM AND FAMILY AND SHE GOT A NEW JOB INTERVIEW SO WE SHOULD GET MARRIED..I DIDN'T BELIEVE IT COS THE SPELL CASTER ONLY ASKED FOR MY NAME AND MY GIRLFRIENDS NAME AND ALL I WANTED HIM TO DO... WELL WE ARE HAPPILY MARRIED NOW AND WE ARE EXPECTING OUR LITTLE KID,AND MY WIFE ALSO GOT THE NEW JOB AND OUR LIVES BECAME MUCH BETTER. IN CASE ANYONE NEEDS THE SPELL CASTER FOR SOME HELP, HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS;shakesspear23@yahoo.com OR shakesspear23@gmail.com ......HOPE HE HELPS YOU OUT OUR OPPORTUNITY ... CONTACT THIS GREAT SPELL CASTER VIA EMAIL:shakesspear23@yahoo.com OR shakesspear23@gmail.com...
ReplyDeleteBeen a HIV positive is just like been through hell but EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE. So amazing and i want to testify of the good work done by GREAT BABA a very strong and powerful spell caster. GREAT BABA has proved science and scientists wrong for believing and thinking that there is no cure for HIV AIDS but to be sincere this GREAT MAN is so real and powerful. I never thought that this spell will work but this GREAT MAN has proved it to me and it has worked and still working perfectly. My Name is Randy Scott and i was diagnosed of the deadly disease called HIV AIDS in 2011 and i thought that is the end and there will be no hope. Speaking to anyone was always a problem because i was so worried and always in the state of unrest in fact i thought it was over until one blessed day when i was searching for help here on the internet, i came across a testimony about GREAT BABA on how he helped a lady who was HIV positive. At first i thought it was all a lie but i decided to give it a try since there was no option and, when i contacted this MAN he laughed and told me that, that is too small for him to handle but i was still in doubt, and he gave me a form to fill which I did, then he called me and told me that his gods required some items in which he will use in casting a curing spell on me and he told me that it will cost only $500, I sent him the money because I could not find the items. He bought the items and prepared a cure for me, and instructed me on what to do and i OBEYED him completely as he told me. Then he sent a parcel to me through the courier delivery service. I paid for the courier service, I got my parcel, it was a holy water and a pure holy oil as described by GREAT BABA. I took the holy water and the holy oil and after taking it, he told me to go for check up but I was still in doubt and was so afraid to go for the test but i took a bold step and believed that it is well, and i believed all what he has done and all that he has told me. So i went to the hospital for the test it was so amazing, awesome and exciting what seems to be impossible became possible, the VIRUS disappeared completely from my system and I was tested HIV negative. Quickly I called him and told him what happened he congratulated me and today i am a happy man again the way things use to be. Don't you think that this testimony is worth sharing? I promise to tell the world about him and i will keep sharing this testimony till the end because many people has died of AIDS and i want many people who believed that it is over to know that EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE AND I WANT THEM TO GET HELP FROM THIS SPELL CASTER by contacting him on his email at shakesspear23@yahoo.com OR shakesspear23@gmail.com for your solution now. If you are hiv positive and you think that it is over i want to tell you that there is hope for you and if you truly and dearly value your life please contact him now. THIS IS REAL HE IS NOT A SCAM, BELIEVE HIM AND DON'T ASK TOO MUCH QUESTIONS. Thank you GREAT BABA and May your good gods keep rewarding you for your good deeds. HIS EMAIL AGAIN IS: shakesspear23@yahoo.com OR shakesspear23@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteI am Mithra Kalyani.from Canada let my testimony bring solution to your situation, i was in a relationship with my boyfriend for four(4) we loved each other so much he was always there whenever i needed him, there was a sudden change of feeling towards me and he was abusive for reason which i do not know, he will go out with the boys and drink come back home and we fight most time, he therefore started seeing a girl from his work place, he will close from work and not come back home. i was losing him gradually yet he do tell me he still love me. the worse happened when he left the house to live with the other girl and it was frustrating i needed help but there was nothing i could do then i decided to search for help and advice online when i came across a wonderful review about a spell caster called Dr ATILA who have helped people to get back their ex. i contacted the spell caster with little or no faith, i gave him all the information he needed to make the spell work through his email address: atilahealinghome@yahoo.com he told me to expect my boyfriend to come back to me after 24hours which i believed. my boyfriend came back to me as the spell caster said and also kneel apologizing for putting me through emotional trauma. his email is:atilahealinghome@yahoo.com.Dr ATILA is truly gifted.
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ReplyDeleteI was in total despair when I found Dr. Todd. My life was going terrible and I didn't know if I was coming or going. I had just gone through a rough divorce, wasn't making enough money to sustain me and my children, and my 17 year old son had just gone to jail for the first time. When I talked to him, I immediately found a sense of peace. He was very honest with me and I could feel that. He also told me that everything would be okay. After my work began, things began to change. My bills were all caught up, the relationship I was in became much stronger, I was never FLAT broke, and my son was released from jail earlier than we expected!! I also completely got over the failed marriage and began to move on. And, received a better position at my job which will cause an $800 per month increase!! I felt completely comfortable with the work that was being done because I was always encouraged by Dr. Todd. manifestspellcast@gmail.com is the BEST!!!!