Last night he and Drummer had a big blow up at midnight.
Drummer has some anger issues. He is very explosive and aggressive. (Drummer is living her this year, working and saving money before he gets married - don't even get me started about my concerns about his anger issues in a marriage - ugh!).
They were screaming at each other. Drummer threw a thing or two. Drummer ended up storming out. He was yelling in the front yard at midnight. (Can you say "white trash"?) A lot of anger was spewing out about Dad's drinking and his anger about that.
Mr. M said he is packing his bags and leaving in the morning (now today). That really WOULD be better. Let's see if he really does it.
I have such mixed feeling about this.
If I really picture my life without him I am so torn.
PROS
Less stress,
Less fear,
Less hurt,
Less turmoil,
Less abandonment.
I am on my own and I know it... no delusions of partnership.
Free to find someone to love again (hopefully).
More peace in the home.
CONS
I will be totally alone. (Not I am 75% alone... but that 25% must have some value or I would be gone.)
I don't know how to repair all the stuff Mr. M does... I will have to learn or pay money and hire someone.
I will be 100% on my own financially with no illusion of help. (When sober and living at home, Mr. contributes well.)
No one to share the burden of parenting with occasionally (when he is reliable).
When (if) Mr. M sobers up, he will BEG me to rethink and come back... he will look good and act great and be adorable and cheerful and be the man I always WANTED to be married to. Everything in my will respond to this... I will be DEVASTATED again to have to say "no" to what I wanted all along. I will have to FORCE myself to remember the drinking, the abandonment, the anger, the fear. But I will be irrationally hopeful that THIS TIME he will stay sober and I will actually get what I always wanted in this relationship...
What if no one loves me again?? I love love. I love being married. I love hugging and holding hands (not to mention other stuff :) I didn't want to be single. I didn't want to be alone. (I am so angry and sad to be in this place.
Isn't it weird that this dirt bike accident - not even alcohol related - spun me into this place? Yet, it makes sense because it is highlighting the selfishness and abandonment and self-absorption that is here even when he is not drinking.
Divorce is devastating regardless. I signed the papers on Friday and my heart is very torn. However it is very bittersweet. Life is so much better with out him. It's healthy, peaceful, joyful and I'm not exhausted and depressed all the time. It was a failure and I will miss him and what it could of been. I'm so sorry to hear you are in an alcoholic marriage too. :( I'm praying for you! The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.-Psalm 34:18
ReplyDeleteTime to ask yourself whether you are happy with life the way it is and do you want to live this way for the rest of your life. Sometimes, it is necessary to take drastic steps and face your fears. And not every separation results in divorce. Maybe being apart will help your husband and you to think about things in a different way.
ReplyDeleteThe definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result.
ReplyDeleteEasier to do the familiar, harder to deal with the unknown, even if there is a possibility that the benefits will outweigh the negatives.
Karen C
karencramer@hotmail.com
noname - thanks for that verse and your prayers... NEED THEM :)
ReplyDeleteI am glad you are free...
Syd - I have BEEN separated from him multiple times... so my next "drastic step" of facing my fears is probably divorce. I SO did not want it to be so. But the sheer force of my will cannot change Mr. M's choices. I am powerless over him and my life is unmanageable.
Karen - I think I quoted that on my blog recently (or was it on my FB page? Hmmmm...)
Indeed it IS insanity. And indeed it is hard and scary to deal with the unknown.
I also feel the pressure of the kids who love their dad and want me to stay with him (because I have spent a lifetime shielding them from a lot of the effects of his drinking, thinking I was doing the loving thing). I also feel the pressure of wanting to be a "good Christian" and hang in there through suffering and tough times and honor my vows (even though Mr. M hasn't honored HIS for over HALF of our marriage).
But I DO believe that, as the program says that a "Power greater than myself will restore me to sanity". And I have turned my will and my life over to His care. So it is not hopeless... (WOW!... my fingers just typed "hopeful" on accident even though my BRAIN was thinking "hopeless"... Freudian slip???)
When you don't know what to do, you can do nothing. Maybe just wait until things feel clearer to you. If he had this accident and fell off the wagon, and the kids couldn't stand to have him around, the choice would be easier. But with him having a 6+ weeks run of sobriety, you may be waiting for more to be revealed. It's a confusing time to be feeling you need to make a choice (and believe me, I do the same thing to myself!).
ReplyDeleteBig hugs to you!
Holy Moly... I know I am late to the party (party????), but this list of pros and cons is me. I could practically wear it!!!!!
ReplyDelete