Last Nerve

Mr. M is in pain and under slept (due to pain). He is frustrated and angry about his injuries. He is scared that they will not heal well and quickly. He is frustrated being so dependent and not being able to drive. He is baffled that I am angry/hurt/scared over his accident. He is mad I will not give him more sympathy and compassion. He has no clue really why I would think I would need any sympathy and compassion too... I mean sheesh! I didn't get in an accident! He is walking around with this pissed off chip on his shoulder. He is simply a BEAR to have in the house. He is on my last nerve. I am regretting letting him be here, but I didn't see a ton of alternative... and he is NOT drinking (yet... although I suspect that is on the horizon).... and it WAS an "accident". And yet, I cannot muster up a ton of sympathy and I AM exhausted (emotionally) and sad and scared and in many ways - Done.

Last night he and Drummer had a big blow up at midnight.

Drummer has some anger issues. He is very explosive and aggressive. (Drummer is living her this year, working and saving money before he gets married - don't even get me started about my concerns about his anger issues in a marriage - ugh!).

They were screaming at each other. Drummer threw a thing or two. Drummer ended up storming out. He was yelling in the front yard at midnight. (Can you say "white trash"?) A lot of anger was spewing out about Dad's drinking and his anger about that.

Mr. M said he is packing his bags and leaving in the morning (now today). That really WOULD be better. Let's see if he really does it.

I have such mixed feeling about this.

If I really picture my life without him I am so torn.

PROS

Less stress,

Less fear,

Less hurt,

Less turmoil,

Less abandonment.

I am on my own and I know it... no delusions of partnership.

Free to find someone to love again (hopefully).

More peace in the home.

CONS

I will be totally alone. (Not I am 75% alone... but that 25% must have some value or I would be gone.)

I don't know how to repair all the stuff Mr. M does... I will have to learn or pay money and hire someone.

I will be 100% on my own financially with no illusion of help. (When sober and living at home, Mr. contributes well.)

No one to share the burden of parenting with occasionally (when he is reliable).

When (if) Mr. M sobers up, he will BEG me to rethink and come back... he will look good and act great and be adorable and cheerful and be the man I always WANTED to be married to. Everything in my will respond to this... I will be DEVASTATED again to have to say "no" to what I wanted all along. I will have to FORCE myself to remember the drinking, the abandonment, the anger, the fear. But I will be irrationally hopeful that THIS TIME he will stay sober and I will actually get what I always wanted in this relationship...

What if no one loves me again?? I love love. I love being married. I love hugging and holding hands (not to mention other stuff :) I didn't want to be single. I didn't want to be alone. (I am so angry and sad to be in this place.

Isn't it weird that this dirt bike accident - not even alcohol related - spun me into this place? Yet, it makes sense because it is highlighting the selfishness and abandonment and self-absorption that is here even when he is not drinking.