We both have a lot of expectations (which are - as the program teaches - resentments in the making). Mr. M was bringing up things like that I bought a dog against his wishes (even though he SAID yes) 8 years ago. He is angry and embittered that he doesn't like how I raise the kids and that he has no say because I "wear the pants".
I told him that I don't WANT to wear the pants and I didn't WANT to parent the kids alone. I wanted to be in partnership with someone but half the time when I turned around, he wasn't there.
He said all I have done since his dirt bike accident in attack him and be angry.
I told him that yes, I am angry but that I also tried to tell him that I GO to the angry place because that is what I know how to do.
So I have TRIED to TELL him that I am scared and sad.
He said he heard my words but doesn't believe me because I am so angry.
He said that if I want him to believe me, I should try crying.
I don't DO vulnerability and neediness easily. And in OUR circumstances, that hasn't been terribly safe either.
I am not a person people meet and feel drawn to protect and take care of - I have a very competent and confident exterior. I seem like I have it all together and don't need anyone or anything. I do not inspire protectiveness or care.
I told Mr. M that I wished he could see past my exterior and take care of me.
This struck a nerve in me and I was crying a lot... tears rolling down my cheeks and dripping off my face.
I am not one to make a big show of this "Look at me, I am crying!"
He wasn't really looking at me.
He didn't SEE me.
He said he was angry Drummer is so out of control and that HE would just kick him out. (If I was the kind of person who did that - kicked people out when they behaved badly, Mr. M would've been gone LONG ago, so he should watch what he wishes for!).
He started crying out of regret for how he was responsible for not being here for all of that.
We started super angry but ended in a more truthful and sad place.
So much baggage from such a long time together...
I'm sorry you had such a bad fight that it brought you to tears, but it sounds like it was a relief to get it all out and to hear him acknowledge that he hasn't always been present for the raising of the kids and has regrets....
ReplyDeleteI've been accused of wearing the pants too, but his new favorite expression is "It's your world, I'm just living in it." Say what?
I know that confident exterior well. I have worn that for many years. But I am thankful that I can go to Al-Anon and share my feelings and learn how not to have huge resentments--all from the steps of recovery. Anger still comes, but it isn't held onto to batter another now--I can get to a place of compassion. Hang in there. Alcoholics are good at baiting and blaming.
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