I want to be a person of acceptance and serenity.
I want to have peace and let go of resentments.
I actually BELIEVE I will get there.
But I also want to to be REAL... I want to truly accept and truly HAVE serenity.
I don't want to do it because I am supposed to or it LOOKS good.
I am a performer/pleaser... I WANT to have behaviors that are acceptable to people so you will love me and want to be my friend and not leave me.
So my whole life I have been a 'good girl' and had the 'right' feelings so I would not make other people uncomfortable (because if I make you uncomfortable, that is NOT pleasing).
I package up my feelings and compartmentalize them then we can ALL be comfortable.
But now, after four years of therapy, I am trying to just let myself HAVE my feelings, even if they are messy or unpleasing or make you uncomfortable.
My husband drank again and I KNOW in my head that it is not personal... he has a disease.
But regardless of all my head knowledge, my HEART is sad. I feel abandoned. I feel unloved and unsafe. I am feeling scared about being alone. I feel scared about my financial future and my ability to take care of my kids alone - if that is how I end up being. I feel scared no one will ever love me again (which is why an affair sounds so nice - a distraction and a balm to my frightened and lonely heart).
So after my 3 mile walk this morning with my friend, I was driving home and talking to my Higher Power. I was asking him for comfort and love and peace for a few friends that are going through extremely difficult things right now and another who is having a hysterectomy this morning. But I know that I personally am feeling FAR from the comfort of my Higher Power right now... I am not sure why... I've got to work through that.
So anyway, this is NOT where I want to be and I WANT to 'snap out of it' and pack it all away like the good girl I am supposed to be, but I do not know how to balance my grief and also live in the present moment, TODAY, which is quite full and abundant:
TODAY - I have a great job that pays ALL my bills... my HP has provided
TODAY - I have a house that I can pay for.
TODAY - the heater in my house just came on and my kids and I don't have to be cold
TODAY - my pantry & fridge are full (well, OK, Bub would disagree... he says I REALLY need to go to the grocery store... but I CAN go to the grocery store and fill the fridge and pantry ;)
TODAY - my kids and parents and siblings are all healthy
TODAY - my family is growing because Hacker got married and Drummer is engaged
TODAY - Mr. M has 7+ weeks sober
TODAY - I have great and loving and supportive friends and family
I know that living in a place of gratitude is one of the ways to get un stuck ("grateful people are happy people")... and even writing that list made me feel better.
Thanks for bearing with my whining.
I am processing.
God willing as I go through my journey here on "the page", it will be a journey of growth and change and LEGITIMATE serenity and peace because I actually GOT there - inside - and NOT because I am faking it so you will like me.
I don't know how you do it but I commend you. I was in a marriage similar to yours and my husband and I are going through a divorce because I believed one of his lies when he said he was done and wanted to pursue another woman he met, drink whenever he wanted and not be brow-beaten by me. I filed since we are 4 hours apart and I have no one to watch my daughter nor can I afford to miss work. One month later he tells me he intentionally deceived me because he didn't want me to know how he felt and he would intentionally hurt me because he thought I needed to hurt when he was hurt. Seeing him drunk, I have no desire to withdraw the divorce and live that life again. My biggest fear is he may get sober and we get together have more children and he falls off the wagon. I HATE alcoholism. God Bless you and all your strength!
ReplyDeleteJust keep at the process. The more you seek therapy and the more you write, the clearer your thinking will become. Plus, you are right to be apprehensive about his recovery. He is in the very early stages.
ReplyDeletenoname - I once heard someone say that whatever we do (I guess, unless inspired by our HP) there HAS to be a "WIIFM" (whats-in-it-for-me). There MUST be a reason I stay... some payoff... it is certainly not just nobility!!! I'm sorry about your struggles. reading I see that leaving brings one set of pain and struggles and staying brings another... both SUCK int their own way and both have their benefits. Thanks for visiting.
ReplyDeleteKristin - Thanks for the encouragement!!!! I appreciate you!!!
xo
Alcoholism is a disease of loneliness--not only for the alcoholic who eventually loses friends, jobs, houses, spouses, children--but also for those who are the casualties of the disease. I remember feeling so lonely, so friendless, so wanting affection. It hurts the heart. I hope that you will get to a place of peace through gratitude. For me, it took some drastic measures.
ReplyDeleteI love your gratitude list. And the praying for your friends. Those are great tools.
ReplyDeleteIt's good to have your feelings and feel them. It's okay to have a pity party too. Someone told me, go ahead and have a pity party, but set a timer (I assume it meant I could choose how ever long I needed to set it for!).
Syd - UGH! I think I have avoided "drastic measures"... but when you are desperate, I think even drastic measures look good... any lifeline at all is worth grasping.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth - haha! I like the idea of allowing it but alson "setting a timer" on it!
xo
TEARLESSNIGHTS.. divorce is horrible and incredibly painful. I love my husband, however I was literally going insane with all of his lies and manipulation. I could never have a marriage with him and he always had an excuse on why he'd back out of any form if counseling or recovery. If I knew how to stay and it would have been healthy for my husband, my daughter and self I would have in a heartbeat. I'm finding out just how screwed up I am with this whole co-dependant issue. It just sucks all the way around. I love your blog in a bittersweet way of course. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI just started reading your blog, I love your humor, your bluntness, your Faith. I too have tried to blog, especially when he is drinking and then things go well and I move away from it just like you mentioned in one of your posts. I cant believe how much some of your thoughts mirror mine. I have been married 14 years, and feel bound to my marriage by God, that is the worst part and where I flip flop the most. Hugs, and Thanks for your blog.
ReplyDeletemicahorse - You said "I'm finding out just how screwed up I am with this whole co-dependant issue."... I can relate. I am REALLY seeing how many patterns in my KIDS, how I have trained them to be enablers too ("dad is a victim"... "poor dad" etc.)
ReplyDeleteDivorce sucks and marriage to an alcoholic sucks... it truly sucks when there feel like no good choices. But you can create a NEW reality for yourself and your daughter. I am a little bit jealous of that :)
Carey -
The only think I can say is that 10 years ago I had been married 14 years. Do you want to be sitting where I am in 10 years??? 10 years older? 10 years more tired? 10 years more beaten down? I am not trying to be discouraging because he might get sober and you could have the miracle of recovery in your lives! But you could also be right in my shoes.
After 23 year of sticking with an alcoholic husband, I can tell you that I am not sure that staying is the Biblical response. We are confused into thinking that WE are leaving them but we are not. THEY left us. I am more and more believing we might be free (biblically - if that is our belief system) to accept their leaving for what it is and to move on from the person who already left us...
I am not sure... these are just some thought I am having after nearly 24 years of being "obedient".
*OR*
is this like the story of Hosea and Gomer in the Bible? (I recommend reading it if you haven't - Also there is a Christian book loosely based on this story called "Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers.) Are we supposed to stay no matter what and suffer with dignity and this is our "cross to bear" so to speak?
BUT
Then - if we are moms, we have children to protect and teach and model for...
No easy answers... that is for sure!
Thanks for visiting and commenting... I love this community!
xo