Playing With Fire

I have been in a kind of fantasy-denial for the last week or so.

This blog is a good friend to me when I am hurting and lonely and scared... but when I am feeling ok or (dare I say) good or just in denial and WISHING I felt that way, I turn my back on this friend who is a reminder of painful times I don't want to remember.

Mr. M had 3 weeks sober on monday.

This is fine.

I mean, all ANYONE has is one day, right?

3-6 weeks is Mr. M's typical relapse cycle (putting us right around Christmas for his next falling off the wagon episode).

But he is so hopeful, so committed, so excited about his sobriety, I DEEPLY want to believe it too and so I have been living as if I do.

(He is doing "90 meetings in 90 days" and calling program people all throughout the day. He is calling his sponsor and working his steps. He is working and going to the gym. He is cheerful - mostly - and hopeful. He is him at his best.)

In light of that, I have been letting him come over every day. We went Christmas shopping together. He has helped with Dr. appointments for the kids and errand running. I was out of milk and having 'guilty mom syndrome'. He called at 10PM, after his meeting, saying he had gotten milk and could he bring it by! He set rat traps when I heard scurrying in the attic. He decorated for christmas when I was out at a party. He filled the fountain and moped the floors. (And yes, we have had *ahem* a couple conjugal visits.)

My life is easier when he is sober.

I am not alone for 10 minutes.

I so want it to be real.

I SO want to lean into it.

[OH! Writing this reminds me that I have to remember what my therapist said this week about that... something like maybe I can't handle it and am not ready for it??? and bring it up again to Dr. next week.]

So I have been "enjoying" it and just indulging for a little bit.

But then my "other man" flirtation surfaced (I haven't mentioned it for a zillion reasons: I want to pretend it is nothing, I am embarrassed and ashamed, Even though this is anonymous, I am still so afraid of being discovered)... and I have been fixated on that instead of fixating on Mr. M and his drinking.

I have SO many things to say about this subject:

I am 41 and this person is 58 - This means he is too old for me.

He is married - and this means he is MARRIED... and even if some of my behavior makes this seem questionable, marriage means something to me. (I mean My GOD, I have fought for 23+ years to keep my sham of a marriage in tact, I am not ABOUT to be a party to destroying someone else's!)

I am not that attracted to him.

That said, here's the thing:

I am super vulnerable.

I am deeply needy.

I am ACHING to have someone take care of me (and he is wealthy - more on that in a minute).

I am longing to have someone desire me.

So PLEASE GOD, rescue me from myself... I am TIRED of being the grown up. Can HE please be the grown up and do the right thing??? (I found myself praying for his marriage today, that he would only have eyes for her... that their love would be kindled, that their marriage would be protected.)

I have been having a kind of "fun" time playing with this flirtation... It is a delightful distraction from my pain and loss. Plus, I am telling myself it is just a little harmless fun on both our parts. I mean, we only usually see each other once a year for our annual lunch to talk business and catch up. This year we didn't need to at all but he told his assistant to schedule it and she said he just liked spending time with me!

So we HAD our lunch.

We drank wine, yummy, expensive wine (he treated... normally I would because he is my client). I know nothing about wines, he does... he was excited to share that with me and be the expert and teach me.

I had a tad to much and was a little flushed and wobbly as we left.

He loves to do the polite hug and kiss goodbye (on the lips! - SOOOO not what I would ever do!). Only this time, he pulled me up against him so that I was fully pressed up against him and planted one on me. I backed away and thanked him for lunch and that was it.

But then he texted me later.

He asked a couple more questions. He said they might require another lunch. I agreed. (UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) He asked if we could do it the next week to "kick off thanksgiving week" (Really?!) I said sure. (What the heck?)

More wine. More yummy food. More laughing and conversation. Yes, he has said that his marriage lacks intimacy and connection and they have talked about splitting up. He said lunch with me is the only time he does something nice for himself... like a little vacation.

When lunch was over, he asked me to drive him to his car. I did (again, flushed with too much wine at lunch! - and enjoying the feeling... I am normally SUCH a good girl and this was ALL so naughty and I am embarrassed and sad to say I was enjoying it). When he was getting out he leaned in to hug me and he kissed me and he PUT HIS HAND UP BEHIND MY HEAD AND KISSED ME AGAIN... I pulled away... he kind of smiled as he got out of the car and said "Delicious"! (GULP!) He called me after to tell me something and then it all kind of faded away. Mr. M got a few days sober. I put it behind me and *phew* I didn't have to think about it until next year.

Until we had to email about something for business.

Then I told him I was having trouble finding wine as yummy as we had tasted (true, but unnecessary to say) and asked for a recommendation.

He said it was the excitement and the company that made it so good and suggested we "meet" again.

I said sure.

He said FRIDAY (in 2 days from now). I said that it probably won't work until after the new year. (I am terrified AND I don't want to be over-eager AND I truly am a good girl and don't want to do anything "really bad" - as if this isn't all bad enough! And, I kind of like that I am aloof and have the illusion of being in control of SOMEfreakingTHING in my life).

EMAIL/HIM: You need to find some time for me in your busy schedule!

EMAIL/ME: hahaha! What can I say, I'm in high demand! :)

EMAIL/HIM (after a few more exchanges where he asks if I am on my way over and I respond "I wish"): You’re making this a lot more complicated than it needs to be you know :)

So thankfully, I dodged that bullet for now... but he is a 58 year old man who knows what he wants (although I THINK - and really, what the heck do I know??? - he is a "good boy" and a rule-follower who is just having fun "playing with fire" too) and is more firmly going after it. But he is not going out TOO much on a limb.

Anyhow, it is all very fun and enticing, and distracting - and I am über-vulnerable.

So over the last 2 days I have been feeling more ANGRY with Mr. M. I am feeling less in denial. I am feeling more TIRED and hurt. I am wanting more distance.

But why can't I do this just because I am worth it and have value?

Why do I need some fake/fantasy flirtation with an OLD married guy to give me false strength to back away from Mr. M?

(And I would NEVER want to hurt this guy's wife and grown children... even if I was utterly selfish and immoral, I couldn't live with myself - GOD, I hope that is true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I CANNOT minimize the role this man's MONEY plays in the equation.

He is not bad looking.

He is smart and had many good qualities.

I am not really that attracted to him... but the idea of security of his income and that lifestyle are HUGELY appealing to me.

Not from a "gold-digger" standpoint but from a safety and security and comfort and being cared for and taken care of perspective... To think I wouldn't have to live in constant terror and could REST. My goodness, that is a turn on!

He is looking for things that I can provide and I am looking for things he can provide.

(Although truthfully, as Dr. oh so sagely pointed out - how safe and secure and rest-filled would I really ever be able to feel with a man who could up and leave his wife? If he did it once, he could do it again.)

Over these weeks, I have also been looking on dating websites and am vacillating between exhilaration, terror, and nausea.

What if someone won't love me?

What if I end up alone and Mr. was my only chance at love?

What if I end up with someone worse???

Mr M - abandoning as he is - love me even if I have gained weight, grown a few chin hars, have acne, get crabby at PMS time, etc... I can be a handful... maybe I would not be worth it to someone else?

So this is clearly bringing up a LOT of issues in me.

Honestly, I think very little of it is about Mr. M... it all says a LOT more about ME and my lack of belief in my worth and value, about my deepest fears, about how much I attach to money.

I am not making any rash decisions or moves, but I AM very very very vulnerable and that can be good or bad depending on the circumstances that happen to me and the choices I make.

God, please protect me from myself.