Playing With Fire

I have been in a kind of fantasy-denial for the last week or so.

This blog is a good friend to me when I am hurting and lonely and scared... but when I am feeling ok or (dare I say) good or just in denial and WISHING I felt that way, I turn my back on this friend who is a reminder of painful times I don't want to remember.

Mr. M had 3 weeks sober on monday.

This is fine.

I mean, all ANYONE has is one day, right?

3-6 weeks is Mr. M's typical relapse cycle (putting us right around Christmas for his next falling off the wagon episode).

But he is so hopeful, so committed, so excited about his sobriety, I DEEPLY want to believe it too and so I have been living as if I do.

(He is doing "90 meetings in 90 days" and calling program people all throughout the day. He is calling his sponsor and working his steps. He is working and going to the gym. He is cheerful - mostly - and hopeful. He is him at his best.)

In light of that, I have been letting him come over every day. We went Christmas shopping together. He has helped with Dr. appointments for the kids and errand running. I was out of milk and having 'guilty mom syndrome'. He called at 10PM, after his meeting, saying he had gotten milk and could he bring it by! He set rat traps when I heard scurrying in the attic. He decorated for christmas when I was out at a party. He filled the fountain and moped the floors. (And yes, we have had *ahem* a couple conjugal visits.)

My life is easier when he is sober.

I am not alone for 10 minutes.

I so want it to be real.

I SO want to lean into it.

[OH! Writing this reminds me that I have to remember what my therapist said this week about that... something like maybe I can't handle it and am not ready for it??? and bring it up again to Dr. next week.]

So I have been "enjoying" it and just indulging for a little bit.

But then my "other man" flirtation surfaced (I haven't mentioned it for a zillion reasons: I want to pretend it is nothing, I am embarrassed and ashamed, Even though this is anonymous, I am still so afraid of being discovered)... and I have been fixated on that instead of fixating on Mr. M and his drinking.

I have SO many things to say about this subject:

I am 41 and this person is 58 - This means he is too old for me.

He is married - and this means he is MARRIED... and even if some of my behavior makes this seem questionable, marriage means something to me. (I mean My GOD, I have fought for 23+ years to keep my sham of a marriage in tact, I am not ABOUT to be a party to destroying someone else's!)

I am not that attracted to him.

That said, here's the thing:

I am super vulnerable.

I am deeply needy.

I am ACHING to have someone take care of me (and he is wealthy - more on that in a minute).

I am longing to have someone desire me.

So PLEASE GOD, rescue me from myself... I am TIRED of being the grown up. Can HE please be the grown up and do the right thing??? (I found myself praying for his marriage today, that he would only have eyes for her... that their love would be kindled, that their marriage would be protected.)

I have been having a kind of "fun" time playing with this flirtation... It is a delightful distraction from my pain and loss. Plus, I am telling myself it is just a little harmless fun on both our parts. I mean, we only usually see each other once a year for our annual lunch to talk business and catch up. This year we didn't need to at all but he told his assistant to schedule it and she said he just liked spending time with me!

So we HAD our lunch.

We drank wine, yummy, expensive wine (he treated... normally I would because he is my client). I know nothing about wines, he does... he was excited to share that with me and be the expert and teach me.

I had a tad to much and was a little flushed and wobbly as we left.

He loves to do the polite hug and kiss goodbye (on the lips! - SOOOO not what I would ever do!). Only this time, he pulled me up against him so that I was fully pressed up against him and planted one on me. I backed away and thanked him for lunch and that was it.

But then he texted me later.

He asked a couple more questions. He said they might require another lunch. I agreed. (UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) He asked if we could do it the next week to "kick off thanksgiving week" (Really?!) I said sure. (What the heck?)

More wine. More yummy food. More laughing and conversation. Yes, he has said that his marriage lacks intimacy and connection and they have talked about splitting up. He said lunch with me is the only time he does something nice for himself... like a little vacation.

When lunch was over, he asked me to drive him to his car. I did (again, flushed with too much wine at lunch! - and enjoying the feeling... I am normally SUCH a good girl and this was ALL so naughty and I am embarrassed and sad to say I was enjoying it). When he was getting out he leaned in to hug me and he kissed me and he PUT HIS HAND UP BEHIND MY HEAD AND KISSED ME AGAIN... I pulled away... he kind of smiled as he got out of the car and said "Delicious"! (GULP!) He called me after to tell me something and then it all kind of faded away. Mr. M got a few days sober. I put it behind me and *phew* I didn't have to think about it until next year.

Until we had to email about something for business.

Then I told him I was having trouble finding wine as yummy as we had tasted (true, but unnecessary to say) and asked for a recommendation.

He said it was the excitement and the company that made it so good and suggested we "meet" again.

I said sure.

He said FRIDAY (in 2 days from now). I said that it probably won't work until after the new year. (I am terrified AND I don't want to be over-eager AND I truly am a good girl and don't want to do anything "really bad" - as if this isn't all bad enough! And, I kind of like that I am aloof and have the illusion of being in control of SOMEfreakingTHING in my life).

EMAIL/HIM: You need to find some time for me in your busy schedule!

EMAIL/ME: hahaha! What can I say, I'm in high demand! :)

EMAIL/HIM (after a few more exchanges where he asks if I am on my way over and I respond "I wish"): You’re making this a lot more complicated than it needs to be you know :)

So thankfully, I dodged that bullet for now... but he is a 58 year old man who knows what he wants (although I THINK - and really, what the heck do I know??? - he is a "good boy" and a rule-follower who is just having fun "playing with fire" too) and is more firmly going after it. But he is not going out TOO much on a limb.

Anyhow, it is all very fun and enticing, and distracting - and I am über-vulnerable.

So over the last 2 days I have been feeling more ANGRY with Mr. M. I am feeling less in denial. I am feeling more TIRED and hurt. I am wanting more distance.

But why can't I do this just because I am worth it and have value?

Why do I need some fake/fantasy flirtation with an OLD married guy to give me false strength to back away from Mr. M?

(And I would NEVER want to hurt this guy's wife and grown children... even if I was utterly selfish and immoral, I couldn't live with myself - GOD, I hope that is true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I CANNOT minimize the role this man's MONEY plays in the equation.

He is not bad looking.

He is smart and had many good qualities.

I am not really that attracted to him... but the idea of security of his income and that lifestyle are HUGELY appealing to me.

Not from a "gold-digger" standpoint but from a safety and security and comfort and being cared for and taken care of perspective... To think I wouldn't have to live in constant terror and could REST. My goodness, that is a turn on!

He is looking for things that I can provide and I am looking for things he can provide.

(Although truthfully, as Dr. oh so sagely pointed out - how safe and secure and rest-filled would I really ever be able to feel with a man who could up and leave his wife? If he did it once, he could do it again.)

Over these weeks, I have also been looking on dating websites and am vacillating between exhilaration, terror, and nausea.

What if someone won't love me?

What if I end up alone and Mr. was my only chance at love?

What if I end up with someone worse???

Mr M - abandoning as he is - love me even if I have gained weight, grown a few chin hars, have acne, get crabby at PMS time, etc... I can be a handful... maybe I would not be worth it to someone else?

So this is clearly bringing up a LOT of issues in me.

Honestly, I think very little of it is about Mr. M... it all says a LOT more about ME and my lack of belief in my worth and value, about my deepest fears, about how much I attach to money.

I am not making any rash decisions or moves, but I AM very very very vulnerable and that can be good or bad depending on the circumstances that happen to me and the choices I make.

God, please protect me from myself.

UPDATE: My Friend's Boyfriend

Months ago, I wrote a post called My Friend's Boyfriend.  In it, I talked about my recently divorced friend and my jealousy over her post-marriage relationships that "light up" her "soul".

This is an update.

I have not talked to her in a long time (Guilty note to self: call her and go to lunch) but Mr. M saw her.  He said she was kind of depressive and melancholy.  

Apparently soul light boyfriend cheated on her.

I am NOT glad about this.

I am tremendously sad for her.

However, 2 things:

#1 - I DO think there CAN be a valuable lesson in this for her!  Sometimes all the fantasy and soul lighting up are just lust.  Sometimes it is good to wait, take it slow, do the right thing.  Sometimes, single parents should not be focusing on their soul lighting up (and the drama of "will he call or won't he" etc.), but on parenting their kids, especially when you have just had an affair and divorced their Daddy.

#2 - It was good for ME in that I WAS feeling jealous and lonely and wishing I could experience a little light in MY soul instead of only an alcoholic marriage.  Watching her hurt and pain is a good reminder to me that while I HAVE missed some fireworks of the soul, I have also missed all that drama and heartbreak and I have stayed and given my kids an in-tact family for a few more years.

So, I'm sorry friend.

I'm sorry you are hurting and suffering.

(And I would love to go to lunch and catch up.)

But you helped me be more grateful for my choice and not jealous. 

Thanks.

Client Lunch

Yesterday I has lunch with a client. He is a business owner... educated and affluent, adequately attractive. He has 2 grown kids, a plane, a home in a prestigious ski area... oh, and did I mention; a wife.

But they seem to be having their share of issues and you can see that he is maybe looking around his life at the "beyond halfway" point and thinking

THIS is what I lived for???

We set up lunch because I had actually randomly run into him in a parking lot. We had talked for a while and agreed to set up lunch. When he left, he had leaned into the car window and kissed me... I turned my head and instead of catching me on the lips, he got cheek. A little strange and awkward. So yes, that was definitely hanging in the air a little when we met for lunch.

Because we have a professional relationship but are kind of "friends", lunch is fairly informal... we had a glass of white wine (pinot grigio) and just chatted.

At one point though, he asked me about kissing women friends on the lips and said that the other day he had noticed that I had distinctly turned away from receiving his kiss on the lips!!! That was FUNNY that he noticed and that he brought it up!!! FUNNY! I acted like I hadn't noticed. (So clearly he had felt that it was uncomfortable and borderline inappropriate and was making sure that I didn't think anything or have any weird issue with it).

[Side note: After the kissing incident, I was a little shaken up. I realized that I am really NOT an affair haver. It was also confirmed for me that I could not really be attracted to someone who would cheat on his wife. I was also a little intrigued and flattered to feel desired. But then when he "un-did" it with this conversation - and then proceeded to act COMPLETELY appropriate - I was a little embarrassed and hurt. Did this mean that I misinterpreted and he WASN'T making any kind of overture? I had prayed on the way to lunch that the Lord would resolve this and help me to reign myself in and to want what God wants... but why does He always have to do this by making the other person not want ME??? Can't he just make ME not vulnerable to them???]

Anyhow, to address his lip-kissing question, I ended up asking him if he kissed his kids on the lips. he said "no".

"Do you kiss your Mom on the lips?"

"No".

"Well then, if you won't kiss some of your most important people in the WORLD on the lips, it probably isn't appropriate to kiss other women on the lips"

And that was how we ended it.

Utterly appropriate.

Utterly friendly.

Utterly nothing.

My Friend's Boyfriend

A girl I know left her husband for another man... a fireman.  She got skinny and hard-bodied and had hot, fiery, passionate sex and they traded effusive exclamations of undying love for each other while having heated love-making fests.

Then he stopped calling and texting.  He couldn't handle the intensity of their relationship or her need or his feelings of being tethered... whatever.  But then he would show up again a month later wanting and expecting everything to be just as if they could pick up where they left off.  Only, my friend couldn't reconcile his words and his actions, so she had to break up with him.

She is in counseling and going to 12-step meetings and working through her grief and poor decisions.  She was feeling good and on her way back to strength when she noticed a man who had been sitting in 2 of her weekly meetings all along.  He is at least 12 years her senior and suddenly she is in love again.  He is a "beautiful man".  He makes her soul "light up".  They are both "open and available" to love.  He is "safe" and for the first time she can truly love and be loved.

On the one hand, I kind of roll my eyes: it is SOOOO Jr. High.  She said all this same stuff (but different) about the fireman.  Now she has beautiful old man and it's all new and good and lovely.  What about husband (and father of her 2 kids)?  What about fireman?  And how safe and good and open and available can they be when they are both still SO broken??

On the other hand, I am JEALOUS beyond measure!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Even if it is pretend and Jr. High, I want to be with someone who makes my soul light up. I want to be "open and available to love" and be with someone also who is.  I want to feel "safe and secure".  I want a fireman or an old, beautiful man.  I want to be skinny and hard-bodied and have hot, fiery, passionate sex and trade effusive exclamations of undying love while having heated love-making fests.

I am TIRED of living in an alcoholic marriage and always being afraid and always being bitter and always being alone and always being tired and always being abandoned and waiting (but never ready) to be abandoned again.  I just want to indulge the fantasy of love again.  

I see people with happy 2nd marriages and am envious... I want to believe that could and would (and will???) happen for me.  But I confess, I am frightened that no one will love me and that I will be alone.  But is that a good reason to stay with Mr. M?  and is it even true?

Therapy Day 4.29.08

I want to have an affair.

This has nothing to do with therapy.

It came upon me later in the afternoon.

Perhaps it is because of all the stuff I am working on in therapy that is bringing up to compulsion to be out of this alcoholic marriage and be in a relationship with someone: the Coach, Mr. M's friend P, Soccer friend J, men on Match.com, and I am sure there are others.

I am envisioning tousling their hair and joking with them and having a nice, peaceful life.

(For the record - even though there IS no "record" - I really don't want to destroy someone's marriage and family and life, so I really would not have an affair with a married man... it's just that I want to BE a wife and BE married and so married men look just like what I want, but of course any man who cheats on his wife is not a man I'd want.)

Anyhow, my friend T told me something today she has wanted to tell me for YEARS... she felt like she could finally tell me because I am in therapy and will not take it personally... YIKES! What does that say about how I have been???

Speaking of therapy, I felt sad and anxious today and it took me a while to GO there and sit there and FEEL it. In the end, it was all about Mr. M again/still. And it was also about how much I want people to like me and accept me and want to be around me and how I can't open up and let myself out and people in... I just want to "collect" friends (the way i do with stationary (hoarding). And then I talked about how I want to (but don't usually) push people to see if they will abandon me or cave in or be too weak to handle me. And so I told Dr. (Greg? Therapist? What do I call him?) that I don't think I push him because I don't want to know if he will cave in. He said he thinks I push him by not wanting the session to end. I can't decide how I feel about that. I have mixed feelings: anger, hurt, embarrassment, shame. I am angry because it is his job to know when the session ends and starts, not mine and so I count on him to end it when he needs to. I am uncertain because IS that a way I push him??? I don't think so... but maybe a little bit because I want him to care enough to make an exception? But if he made an exception, I think I would view that as caving in? Of course, hurt and embarrassed because that is how he sees me and I do not want to be seen that way.