A girl I know left her husband for another man... a fireman. She got skinny and hard-bodied and had hot, fiery, passionate sex and they traded effusive exclamations of undying love for each other while having heated love-making fests.Then he stopped calling and texting. He couldn't handle the intensity of their relationship or her need or his feelings of being tethered... whatever. But then he would show up again a month later wanting and expecting everything to be just as if they could pick up where they left off. Only, my friend couldn't reconcile his words and his actions, so she had to break up with him.
She is in counseling and going to 12-step meetings and working through her grief and poor decisions. She was feeling good and on her way back to strength when she noticed a man who had been sitting in 2 of her weekly meetings all along. He is at least 12 years her senior and suddenly she is in love again. He is a "beautiful man". He makes her soul "light up". They are both "open and available" to love. He is "safe" and for the first time she can truly love and be loved.
On the one hand, I kind of roll my eyes: it is SOOOO Jr. High. She said all this same stuff (but different) about the fireman. Now she has beautiful old man and it's all new and good and lovely. What about husband (and father of her 2 kids)? What about fireman? And how safe and good and open and available can they be when they are both still SO broken??
On the other hand, I am JEALOUS beyond measure!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even if it is pretend and Jr. High, I want to be with someone who makes my soul light up. I want to be "open and available to love" and be with someone also who is. I want to feel "safe and secure". I want a fireman or an old, beautiful man. I want to be skinny and hard-bodied and have hot, fiery, passionate sex and trade effusive exclamations of undying love while having heated love-making fests.
I am TIRED of living in an alcoholic marriage and always being afraid and always being bitter and always being alone and always being tired and always being abandoned and waiting (but never ready) to be abandoned again. I just want to indulge the fantasy of love again.
I see people with happy 2nd marriages and am envious... I want to believe that could and would (and will???) happen for me. But I confess, I am frightened that no one will love me and that I will be alone. But is that a good reason to stay with Mr. M? and is it even true?
I'm sorry about your loneliness. I do not have an alcoholic marriage, but I do know what its like to exist in the loneliness of a relationship where your partner is not there anymore, but you are still "together" technically. I have one daughter with my ex. I left because I thought I deserved better, and he would not change the things I disliked so badly. What can I say except that its a roller coaster to leave. You're leaving a sense of security, no matter how unhappy. But, then there are the days you realize that your happiness now matters more than their moods, or their happiness. Of course you have children (plural) makes it harder to leave. Perhaps you can wait until the baby turns eighteen. But you can't go on living a life forever just because you feel you should. If you are a believer, God wants you to be happy, and not suffer unreasonably after several failed attempts at trying. Now, if you want to hear what you want to hear, I can direct you to several people who will tell you that you'd be damned if you left. But what matters most is, when you look at yourself in the mirror, do you see a martyr, or do you see someone taking action to make themselves a happier, healthier person? I hope you find you way one day. Lord knows life is so complicated. Take care.
ReplyDeleteHi anonymous.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment.
I still ponder these types of thoughts and wonder about God's mind in this. From what I read in the Bible, i don't see the lord being so concerned with my "happiness"... I think He is more concerned with my eternity and my fulfillment in Him... and sometimes this comes from obedience, even if it make me uncomfortable.
Sometimes I simply long for my comfort... but then I wonder if maybe I can still be that "happier, healthier person" you mention within the context of an unhappy marriage.
Paul (in the Bible) writes his books about JOY (deep, abiding JOY) while in a miserable, filthy prison under the city in the sewer!!! Uncomfortable outer circumstances with internal joy because of who GOD is in the midst of our struggle.
I am not saying I have the answer AT ALL, But I AM saying that I want to be patient and trust that perhaps God has a higher purpose in this whole mess and perhaps he may use me and my story, in some small way to point the way to Him???