My Friend's Boyfriend

A girl I know left her husband for another man... a fireman.  She got skinny and hard-bodied and had hot, fiery, passionate sex and they traded effusive exclamations of undying love for each other while having heated love-making fests.

Then he stopped calling and texting.  He couldn't handle the intensity of their relationship or her need or his feelings of being tethered... whatever.  But then he would show up again a month later wanting and expecting everything to be just as if they could pick up where they left off.  Only, my friend couldn't reconcile his words and his actions, so she had to break up with him.

She is in counseling and going to 12-step meetings and working through her grief and poor decisions.  She was feeling good and on her way back to strength when she noticed a man who had been sitting in 2 of her weekly meetings all along.  He is at least 12 years her senior and suddenly she is in love again.  He is a "beautiful man".  He makes her soul "light up".  They are both "open and available" to love.  He is "safe" and for the first time she can truly love and be loved.

On the one hand, I kind of roll my eyes: it is SOOOO Jr. High.  She said all this same stuff (but different) about the fireman.  Now she has beautiful old man and it's all new and good and lovely.  What about husband (and father of her 2 kids)?  What about fireman?  And how safe and good and open and available can they be when they are both still SO broken??

On the other hand, I am JEALOUS beyond measure!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Even if it is pretend and Jr. High, I want to be with someone who makes my soul light up. I want to be "open and available to love" and be with someone also who is.  I want to feel "safe and secure".  I want a fireman or an old, beautiful man.  I want to be skinny and hard-bodied and have hot, fiery, passionate sex and trade effusive exclamations of undying love while having heated love-making fests.

I am TIRED of living in an alcoholic marriage and always being afraid and always being bitter and always being alone and always being tired and always being abandoned and waiting (but never ready) to be abandoned again.  I just want to indulge the fantasy of love again.  

I see people with happy 2nd marriages and am envious... I want to believe that could and would (and will???) happen for me.  But I confess, I am frightened that no one will love me and that I will be alone.  But is that a good reason to stay with Mr. M?  and is it even true?

To Drink or NOT To Drink?

I had not had a drink in 20+ years.  I had 20+ years sober.  I am almost 40... I got sober at 17.... the same time I met Mr. M and he was newly sober too.  

I thought we were on the same "path" together, wanting the same things.  

Only I stayed on that path, and he was off frolicking in the "forest" (well, you get the picture!).  Then he'd be back on the path (or at least tell me he was back on the path).  Then he would be nowhere to be found on the path and instead be drunk and passed out in the forest somewhere (usually on a major holiday or for one of the kids' birthday parties).  Then he would - supposedly - be back on the path.  Then suddenly fired from his job and running through the forest again.  Meanwhile, I am trudging along on the path, alone.  Trying to make sure the kids get an occasional vegetable, getting them to church, sports, band, Dr. appointments, getting poster board for the family-tree project in Spanish 1, getting new "skinny jeans" for a non-uniform day at school, paying bills, going to the bank, making sure there is toilet paper, cleaning up dog pee in the living room (because it is raining outside and heaven forbid the dog do out in the cold and get a chill or get damp!), putting kids on restriction, enforcing bedtimes, arguing about curfew, kissing boo-boos (big and little, real and imagined, about girlfriends or Dad).  (I don't mean to sound so bitter!!)

All this time and I am on the path.

Last summer I started thinking "Why am I sober?  Why don't I drink?"  Do I really think I have a problem with alcohol?  Or do I think I am being a 'good influence' on Mr. M and will model for him what 'not drinking' looks like?  Am I just taking a moral stand against alcohol?"  I looked at Mr. M and I thought THAT is what an alcoholic looks like...  I am not an alcoholic!  I don't have to prove anything to anybody!  And I had a drink.  A margarita, in fact.  And I liked it.  (Yes, I had a tiny bit of a buzz - hey, it had been over 20 years since a drop of alcohol had touched my lips - in fact, I got sober before I had ever even had a legal drink!)  

Now, I have a drink once a week or once every other week or every third week or so.  I went on vacation and had a beer every day.  One day, I had two (gasp!).  Do you know what I found out? Alcohol makes me sleepy (wow, I'm getting old).  

I don't even really WANT to drink at lunch time (then all I want to do is go home and nap!). 

But with dinner, it's kinda nice to have a drink.  Because you know what?  I am not an alcoholic. 

I have a boatload of other problems... but heck, I am WAY more likely to over-indulge in pizza than in alcohol... and though cheesecake will definitely make my jeans tighter and affect my self-esteem and even my health, I am not likely to get fired from my job or leave my family for a cheeseburger, ranch dressing, or ice cream. 

(Although that doesn't sound half bad some days ;o)

So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to log off now and go have some chili cheese fries and a beer!