My Drinking

I had not had a drink of alcohol for 20 years.

20 years!!!

Why?

I had made some bad choices (alcohol related) as a teen.

I got "sober" in 1987, and the rest is history.

My alcoholic husband continued to drink while I did not.

Perhaps I felt noble.  Perhaps I thought i was modeling for him.

On some level I did not know if I was an alcoholic or not, but I was scared of what might happen if I started drinking again.

Last summer I had a margarita.

Since then I have started drinking.

I drink.

I like drinking.

I think about drinking.

I want to drink.

I am concerned that a bit of an obsession is starting.

I don't WANT to have an obsession.

I want to drink like "normal" people.

But I honestly don't know if I can.

Tonight I had a bit too much wine at dinner... I am not that picky about my alcohol... I prefer beer, but wine was available with italian food... so I drank it.

I was a little buzzed.

I didn't want to drive my child home buzzed, so we went to Target for a while and shopped.

45 minutes, $80, and a bit more sober later, I drove home.

I am still a bit lit.

I had too much.

I like(d) it.

I look forward to my next drink.

When did I drink this week?

Let's see...

Friday night, 2 glasses of wine.

Tuesday night, amusement park, 2 beers.

Wednesday lunch, 1 glass pinot grigio.

Friday night, 2 glasses chianti.

Uh-oh.

That's a fair amount of drinking in one week.

And I think of my next drink.

I like the way I feel.

I will probably have to NOT drink... but I don't want to.

*sigh*

To Drink or NOT To Drink?

I had not had a drink in 20+ years.  I had 20+ years sober.  I am almost 40... I got sober at 17.... the same time I met Mr. M and he was newly sober too.  

I thought we were on the same "path" together, wanting the same things.  

Only I stayed on that path, and he was off frolicking in the "forest" (well, you get the picture!).  Then he'd be back on the path (or at least tell me he was back on the path).  Then he would be nowhere to be found on the path and instead be drunk and passed out in the forest somewhere (usually on a major holiday or for one of the kids' birthday parties).  Then he would - supposedly - be back on the path.  Then suddenly fired from his job and running through the forest again.  Meanwhile, I am trudging along on the path, alone.  Trying to make sure the kids get an occasional vegetable, getting them to church, sports, band, Dr. appointments, getting poster board for the family-tree project in Spanish 1, getting new "skinny jeans" for a non-uniform day at school, paying bills, going to the bank, making sure there is toilet paper, cleaning up dog pee in the living room (because it is raining outside and heaven forbid the dog do out in the cold and get a chill or get damp!), putting kids on restriction, enforcing bedtimes, arguing about curfew, kissing boo-boos (big and little, real and imagined, about girlfriends or Dad).  (I don't mean to sound so bitter!!)

All this time and I am on the path.

Last summer I started thinking "Why am I sober?  Why don't I drink?"  Do I really think I have a problem with alcohol?  Or do I think I am being a 'good influence' on Mr. M and will model for him what 'not drinking' looks like?  Am I just taking a moral stand against alcohol?"  I looked at Mr. M and I thought THAT is what an alcoholic looks like...  I am not an alcoholic!  I don't have to prove anything to anybody!  And I had a drink.  A margarita, in fact.  And I liked it.  (Yes, I had a tiny bit of a buzz - hey, it had been over 20 years since a drop of alcohol had touched my lips - in fact, I got sober before I had ever even had a legal drink!)  

Now, I have a drink once a week or once every other week or every third week or so.  I went on vacation and had a beer every day.  One day, I had two (gasp!).  Do you know what I found out? Alcohol makes me sleepy (wow, I'm getting old).  

I don't even really WANT to drink at lunch time (then all I want to do is go home and nap!). 

But with dinner, it's kinda nice to have a drink.  Because you know what?  I am not an alcoholic. 

I have a boatload of other problems... but heck, I am WAY more likely to over-indulge in pizza than in alcohol... and though cheesecake will definitely make my jeans tighter and affect my self-esteem and even my health, I am not likely to get fired from my job or leave my family for a cheeseburger, ranch dressing, or ice cream. 

(Although that doesn't sound half bad some days ;o)

So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to log off now and go have some chili cheese fries and a beer!