Thanks Oprah.

This is my second post about Oprah.  
My first was in February '08 (when I first began this on again, off again blog) and now, my second post, in late August '08.   I confessed in that blog that I record (on my DVR, which is like "tivo") the Oprah show every day.

I still do.

In my defense, I have it set to record only new shows (no re-runs).  I probably only turn on the TV 4x's a month, and when I do, I usually spend a little time going through my long  list of old Oprahs and deleting 95% of them.  

DELETE LIST

I delete all the celebrity, Tom Cruise bouncing on the sofa episodes, 

I delete most of the book club ones (although I will read almost any fiction she recommends now - some of my all time favorite reads have been "Oprah books"), 

I delete the "favorite things" episodes, etc.  

KEEP LIST

I will keep an occasional diet, health, and weight loss episode.

I will keep almost anything Lisa Ling does; visiting prisons, child soldiers, slaves, etc.  (I want to BE Lisa Ling when I grow up!!!)

I kept several shows about cleaning up clutter and about a hoarder... yikes!  This inspired me and I got up and cleaned out my entire hoarding office... ugh!!!

I have kept shows about families in crisis or, as I mentioned on my previous post, about children of divorce.

Anyhow, all this to say...

All this to say WHAT?

Hmmm... all this to say that there are times and circumstances the
Oprah show has value to my life.

And there are times it doesn't.

I guess I am trying to be clear - to protect my own dignity -HA! - that I am not an Oprah groupie and I do not obsessively watch or follow or 'obey' her, but there ARE truly times when I DO indeed glean some wisdom from her show.

I am about to share one of those times.

In my recent post Signs of Strange Behavior, I listed signs I saw and missed or ignored  (DENIAL) that told me that Mr. M was drinking again.

Definition of Denial:
the act of asserting that something alleged is not true
(psychiatry) a defense mechanism that denies painful thoughts
abnegation: renunciation of your own interests in favor of the interests of others

That's why I am thanking Oprah, it was she who opened my eyes and ended my denial (at least on that issue at that time).

This was several (3?) years ago and I think the show was about women who were abused by their husbands or boyfriends.  (I say "I think" because I MAY be blurring 2 or 3 episodes together in my mind, so don't hold me accountable for the accuracy, just go for the meaning, OK?)  Anyhow, one woman had had something severe happen to her at the hands of her 'man'... I think he had shot her face off or something like that.  And another woman had maybe been set on fire by her 'man'.  (Again, I could be combining episodes.)  Oprah was asking them if that had had ANY indication or sign that he was the kind of man who could harm her like that.  Each woman said "no"... "No, he had never done anything" that would lead them to believe he could be a harmful person... But Oprah wasn't satisfied.  She didn't just let them go on with their stories.  She kept pushing in this one area:  when you were first dating, was there anything there that shoed how controlling and possibly violent he might have the potential to be?  "Well, there was this one time when he didn't like what I was wearing and grabbed my neck and shoved me up against the wall and made me go change because I looked like a whore" (or something like that).  "And he didn't want me talking to any of my friends and took my cell phone away"  and...

This was Oprah's point.

There were indicators.  They had had signs.  They had had gut instincts that they ignored.  She was talking to camera and to the audience of millions at home and told them to LISTEN to that tiny, inner voice.  WHAT IS IT TRYING TO TELL YOU?  WHAT DO YOU KNOW RIGHT NOW THAT YOU ARE IGNORING AND NOT LISTENING TO?

And it hit me.

I know that I know that I know that Mr. M is drinking.

No matter what he says, not matter what excuses or stories there are, I know.

I am not crazy.

I believe myself.

It may come out today, it may not come out until next week.  it may NEVER come out, but I believe myself... Mr. M is drinking.

[REMIND ME: I want to write more about that inner voice and how and why we ignore and deny it.]

It was a relief to finally believe me. 

(And the truth finally came out about 4 months later that he had been drinking and lying and sneaking and hiding for about 3 years... but of course, I already knew that... I wasn't crazy... I just needed to believe myself.)

Thanks Oprah.

To Drink or NOT To Drink?

I had not had a drink in 20+ years.  I had 20+ years sober.  I am almost 40... I got sober at 17.... the same time I met Mr. M and he was newly sober too.  

I thought we were on the same "path" together, wanting the same things.  

Only I stayed on that path, and he was off frolicking in the "forest" (well, you get the picture!).  Then he'd be back on the path (or at least tell me he was back on the path).  Then he would be nowhere to be found on the path and instead be drunk and passed out in the forest somewhere (usually on a major holiday or for one of the kids' birthday parties).  Then he would - supposedly - be back on the path.  Then suddenly fired from his job and running through the forest again.  Meanwhile, I am trudging along on the path, alone.  Trying to make sure the kids get an occasional vegetable, getting them to church, sports, band, Dr. appointments, getting poster board for the family-tree project in Spanish 1, getting new "skinny jeans" for a non-uniform day at school, paying bills, going to the bank, making sure there is toilet paper, cleaning up dog pee in the living room (because it is raining outside and heaven forbid the dog do out in the cold and get a chill or get damp!), putting kids on restriction, enforcing bedtimes, arguing about curfew, kissing boo-boos (big and little, real and imagined, about girlfriends or Dad).  (I don't mean to sound so bitter!!)

All this time and I am on the path.

Last summer I started thinking "Why am I sober?  Why don't I drink?"  Do I really think I have a problem with alcohol?  Or do I think I am being a 'good influence' on Mr. M and will model for him what 'not drinking' looks like?  Am I just taking a moral stand against alcohol?"  I looked at Mr. M and I thought THAT is what an alcoholic looks like...  I am not an alcoholic!  I don't have to prove anything to anybody!  And I had a drink.  A margarita, in fact.  And I liked it.  (Yes, I had a tiny bit of a buzz - hey, it had been over 20 years since a drop of alcohol had touched my lips - in fact, I got sober before I had ever even had a legal drink!)  

Now, I have a drink once a week or once every other week or every third week or so.  I went on vacation and had a beer every day.  One day, I had two (gasp!).  Do you know what I found out? Alcohol makes me sleepy (wow, I'm getting old).  

I don't even really WANT to drink at lunch time (then all I want to do is go home and nap!). 

But with dinner, it's kinda nice to have a drink.  Because you know what?  I am not an alcoholic. 

I have a boatload of other problems... but heck, I am WAY more likely to over-indulge in pizza than in alcohol... and though cheesecake will definitely make my jeans tighter and affect my self-esteem and even my health, I am not likely to get fired from my job or leave my family for a cheeseburger, ranch dressing, or ice cream. 

(Although that doesn't sound half bad some days ;o)

So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to log off now and go have some chili cheese fries and a beer!