UPDATE: My Friend's Boyfriend

Months ago, I wrote a post called My Friend's Boyfriend.  In it, I talked about my recently divorced friend and my jealousy over her post-marriage relationships that "light up" her "soul".

This is an update.

I have not talked to her in a long time (Guilty note to self: call her and go to lunch) but Mr. M saw her.  He said she was kind of depressive and melancholy.  

Apparently soul light boyfriend cheated on her.

I am NOT glad about this.

I am tremendously sad for her.

However, 2 things:

#1 - I DO think there CAN be a valuable lesson in this for her!  Sometimes all the fantasy and soul lighting up are just lust.  Sometimes it is good to wait, take it slow, do the right thing.  Sometimes, single parents should not be focusing on their soul lighting up (and the drama of "will he call or won't he" etc.), but on parenting their kids, especially when you have just had an affair and divorced their Daddy.

#2 - It was good for ME in that I WAS feeling jealous and lonely and wishing I could experience a little light in MY soul instead of only an alcoholic marriage.  Watching her hurt and pain is a good reminder to me that while I HAVE missed some fireworks of the soul, I have also missed all that drama and heartbreak and I have stayed and given my kids an in-tact family for a few more years.

So, I'm sorry friend.

I'm sorry you are hurting and suffering.

(And I would love to go to lunch and catch up.)

But you helped me be more grateful for my choice and not jealous. 

Thanks.

My Friend's Boyfriend

A girl I know left her husband for another man... a fireman.  She got skinny and hard-bodied and had hot, fiery, passionate sex and they traded effusive exclamations of undying love for each other while having heated love-making fests.

Then he stopped calling and texting.  He couldn't handle the intensity of their relationship or her need or his feelings of being tethered... whatever.  But then he would show up again a month later wanting and expecting everything to be just as if they could pick up where they left off.  Only, my friend couldn't reconcile his words and his actions, so she had to break up with him.

She is in counseling and going to 12-step meetings and working through her grief and poor decisions.  She was feeling good and on her way back to strength when she noticed a man who had been sitting in 2 of her weekly meetings all along.  He is at least 12 years her senior and suddenly she is in love again.  He is a "beautiful man".  He makes her soul "light up".  They are both "open and available" to love.  He is "safe" and for the first time she can truly love and be loved.

On the one hand, I kind of roll my eyes: it is SOOOO Jr. High.  She said all this same stuff (but different) about the fireman.  Now she has beautiful old man and it's all new and good and lovely.  What about husband (and father of her 2 kids)?  What about fireman?  And how safe and good and open and available can they be when they are both still SO broken??

On the other hand, I am JEALOUS beyond measure!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Even if it is pretend and Jr. High, I want to be with someone who makes my soul light up. I want to be "open and available to love" and be with someone also who is.  I want to feel "safe and secure".  I want a fireman or an old, beautiful man.  I want to be skinny and hard-bodied and have hot, fiery, passionate sex and trade effusive exclamations of undying love while having heated love-making fests.

I am TIRED of living in an alcoholic marriage and always being afraid and always being bitter and always being alone and always being tired and always being abandoned and waiting (but never ready) to be abandoned again.  I just want to indulge the fantasy of love again.  

I see people with happy 2nd marriages and am envious... I want to believe that could and would (and will???) happen for me.  But I confess, I am frightened that no one will love me and that I will be alone.  But is that a good reason to stay with Mr. M?  and is it even true?