Consistent Inconsistency

I feel bi-polar or something.

My emotions are all over the place.

I sometimes question myself and wonder if I am over-reacting to Mr. M's disease?

A lot of people live with alcoholic husbands in alcoholic marriages.

I am not alone or unique.

Do I need to go to nuclear options like divorce and asking him to move out and the intense level of grief and heartbreak I feel?

Maybe my expectations are too high?

What is my value & worth in this whole thing? Do I deserve more? Or is this the best I can hope for?

And where does my Higher Power figure into all this? - Do I get to decide what I want to do or is this some kind of 'test' or 'challenge'?... Am I too focused on my comfort and happiness in this life, when I could just be finding joy & peace in my suffering and trials?

One minute all I can see is my grief and loss and I take Mr M back into my heart and bed after ONE WEEK sober, and embrace him and can only see how much I love him and do not WANT to do life without him.

Then he gets all cozy and starts taking it all for granted and making assumptions... he starts demanding or bickering and cleaning the house (as if I am a failed housekeeper in his absence - which I am :/

I start thinking of how he starts drinking and ABANDONS us. (Lest I forget what this really is.)

How he pees his pants, saturating the whole couch.

He breaks things.

He vomits on things.

He runs into things and falls over.

He drives drunk.

He doesn't work.

He doesn't provide.

He is not even "semi" functional.

When Mr. M drinks, it is cataclysmic.

If I go nuclear in my reaction, I think it is because he goes nuclear in his drinking.

I think it would be harder and "grayer" in the questions I ask myself above - if he were more functional... but he is not. Living with him drunk is truly not an option, so that helps.

So the last few days, I have been feeling angry and sad.

I feel like when the going gets tough, Mr. M gets going.

And again and again for the past 24 years, I am left alone with 4 kids, 4 mortgages, 1 dog, 4 cars, college apps, angry kids bickering, discipline (I just had to fight it out with Bub at 11:30PM because he wants to shave his head, vacuum the hair, and do laundry in the middle of the night on a school night when the rest of us are just turning out the lights for bed - he thinks I am out of my mind so I had to threaten to take away his beloved iphone, this sent him into a complete meltdown of tears about how HE has been the one to step up to the plate during dad's absence! really???), bills, home & car maintenance, working and dealing with clients, emotional trauma of Drummer arguing with his soon-to-be fiancee, Girlie's driver's permit tests (studying and failing and the TEARS and then studying and PASSING and now having to DRIVE with a new teen driver - UGH!), shopping or and paying for all Christmas gifts, ordering (and paying for) Girlie's letterman's jacket, designing, ordering and paying for Bub's yearbook dedication page, Bub's graduation is coming etc. etc.

Mr. M just gets to CHECK out while I run and pay for things single-handedly.

And then he sobers up for 10 minutes and gets to waltz back in and enjoy all the fruits of MY labor - until he wants to fall off the deep end again!

I get jealous and sometimes I want a turn to lose my mind and give up and throw in the towel and run away from home and know that someone ELSE will pick up the pieces.

Now, please don't misunderstand me, I could NEVER allow myself to do that AND I wouldn't truly want to. Being a mom and having my family is my greatest joy in life.

But sometimes.. sometimes... I am tired and sad and tired of doing this alone - or being frightened that at any minute I will be left to do it alone.

And that realization and fear is getting harder and harder to live with. (Hence the gnarly feelings I am having below, fantasizing that MAYBE there is someone on the planet who will love me and want to STAY and do this journey WITH me.)

Mr. M wants to be forgiven and have a clean slate.
He wants me to focus on the good times and not let the bad out-weigh the good in my memories.

And when he is good, he IS pretty darn fabulous (my friends have jokingly moaned "Why can't OUR husbands be recovering alcoholics!!!???"). Like right now, he has spent 2 FULL days Christmas shopping with me; humoring me, running from store to ridiculous store in search of that perfect gift, carrying bags like a pack mule, and yes, PAYING, because he is working and when he is working and sober, he is the most generous guy you will ever meet. He'd give you the shirt off his back. (I am more fearful and therefore stingy and greedy - "UM... don't give that guy the shirt off your back... WE need it!!!"- Side note: I think I have always been fearful around money, but of course with Mr. M's consistent inconsistency, I have gotten more and more terrified.)

That is me any given day. Confused. Up & down. All over the place. Borderline crazy.