I want to be a person of acceptance and serenity.
I want to have peace and let go of resentments.
I actually BELIEVE I will get there.
But I also want to to be REAL... I want to truly accept and truly HAVE serenity.
I don't want to do it because I am supposed to or it LOOKS good.
I am a performer/pleaser... I WANT to have behaviors that are acceptable to people so you will love me and want to be my friend and not leave me.
So my whole life I have been a 'good girl' and had the 'right' feelings so I would not make other people uncomfortable (because if I make you uncomfortable, that is NOT pleasing).
I package up my feelings and compartmentalize them then we can ALL be comfortable.
But now, after four years of therapy, I am trying to just let myself HAVE my feelings, even if they are messy or unpleasing or make you uncomfortable.
My husband drank again and I KNOW in my head that it is not personal... he has a disease.
But regardless of all my head knowledge, my HEART is sad. I feel abandoned. I feel unloved and unsafe. I am feeling scared about being alone. I feel scared about my financial future and my ability to take care of my kids alone - if that is how I end up being. I feel scared no one will ever love me again (which is why an affair sounds so nice - a distraction and a balm to my frightened and lonely heart).
So after my 3 mile walk this morning with my friend, I was driving home and talking to my Higher Power. I was asking him for comfort and love and peace for a few friends that are going through extremely difficult things right now and another who is having a hysterectomy this morning. But I know that I personally am feeling FAR from the comfort of my Higher Power right now... I am not sure why... I've got to work through that.
So anyway, this is NOT where I want to be and I WANT to 'snap out of it' and pack it all away like the good girl I am supposed to be, but I do not know how to balance my grief and also live in the present moment, TODAY, which is quite full and abundant:
TODAY - I have a great job that pays ALL my bills... my HP has provided
TODAY - I have a house that I can pay for.
TODAY - the heater in my house just came on and my kids and I don't have to be cold
TODAY - my pantry & fridge are full (well, OK, Bub would disagree... he says I REALLY need to go to the grocery store... but I CAN go to the grocery store and fill the fridge and pantry ;)
TODAY - my kids and parents and siblings are all healthy
TODAY - my family is growing because Hacker got married and Drummer is engaged
TODAY - Mr. M has 7+ weeks sober
TODAY - I have great and loving and supportive friends and family
I know that living in a place of gratitude is one of the ways to get un stuck ("grateful people are happy people")... and even writing that list made me feel better.
Thanks for bearing with my whining.
I am processing.
God willing as I go through my journey here on "the page", it will be a journey of growth and change and LEGITIMATE serenity and peace because I actually GOT there - inside - and NOT because I am faking it so you will like me.
