Baby Whiner

I don't want to be a baby whiner.

I want to be a person of acceptance and serenity.

I want to have peace and let go of resentments.

I actually BELIEVE I will get there.

But I also want to to be REAL... I want to truly accept and truly HAVE serenity.

I don't want to do it because I am supposed to or it LOOKS good.

I am a performer/pleaser... I WANT to have behaviors that are acceptable to people so you will love me and want to be my friend and not leave me.

So my whole life I have been a 'good girl' and had the 'right' feelings so I would not make other people uncomfortable (because if I make you uncomfortable, that is NOT pleasing).

I package up my feelings and compartmentalize them then we can ALL be comfortable.

But now, after four years of therapy, I am trying to just let myself HAVE my feelings, even if they are messy or unpleasing or make you uncomfortable.

My husband drank again and I KNOW in my head that it is not personal... he has a disease.

But regardless of all my head knowledge, my HEART is sad. I feel abandoned. I feel unloved and unsafe. I am feeling scared about being alone. I feel scared about my financial future and my ability to take care of my kids alone - if that is how I end up being. I feel scared no one will ever love me again (which is why an affair sounds so nice - a distraction and a balm to my frightened and lonely heart).

So after my 3 mile walk this morning with my friend, I was driving home and talking to my Higher Power. I was asking him for comfort and love and peace for a few friends that are going through extremely difficult things right now and another who is having a hysterectomy this morning. But I know that I personally am feeling FAR from the comfort of my Higher Power right now... I am not sure why... I've got to work through that.

So anyway, this is NOT where I want to be and I WANT to 'snap out of it' and pack it all away like the good girl I am supposed to be, but I do not know how to balance my grief and also live in the present moment, TODAY, which is quite full and abundant:

TODAY - I have a great job that pays ALL my bills... my HP has provided

TODAY - I have a house that I can pay for.

TODAY - the heater in my house just came on and my kids and I don't have to be cold

TODAY - my pantry & fridge are full (well, OK, Bub would disagree... he says I REALLY need to go to the grocery store... but I CAN go to the grocery store and fill the fridge and pantry ;)

TODAY - my kids and parents and siblings are all healthy

TODAY - my family is growing because Hacker got married and Drummer is engaged

TODAY - Mr. M has 7+ weeks sober

TODAY - I have great and loving and supportive friends and family

I know that living in a place of gratitude is one of the ways to get un stuck ("grateful people are happy people")... and even writing that list made me feel better.

Thanks for bearing with my whining.

I am processing.

God willing as I go through my journey here on "the page", it will be a journey of growth and change and LEGITIMATE serenity and peace because I actually GOT there - inside - and NOT because I am faking it so you will like me.

EPIPHANY: Do I Need My Alcoholic Husband to Stay Sick????

Mr. M and I got in a fight on the way out to the desert (to roast in 117 degree heat - what were we thinking???). I was a crabby bitch (nitpicking, nagging, everything wrong, everyone bugging me, head-achy, grouchy, grrrrr) crabbing at everyone. - Way to start a vacation, right? We stopped by the liquor store for Mr. M to grab some chewing tobacco and the kids to grab some drinks for the road. Mr. M had suggested I think about eating something (he usually suggests this when I am being a crabby bitch and thankfully eating usually helps). I went next door and tried to find something to eat. All they had were donuts. I didn't really want to even eat a donut, but thought EVERYONE might benefit if I did. So I went to order a donut and of course thought that it would not be nice of Mommy to show up in the car munching a maple bar and not bring something for everyone else. So I bought several. I got in the car and Mr. M made a face and got mad. Did I not want to ask for anyone else's opinion before just DECIDING for everyone else that we should have donuts? Do I think he wants to eat a big fat pill? Why didn't I ASK before just buying?

So I felt humiliated and stupid and hurt and embarrassed.

I told him we should stop and BOTH get something to eat. He said NO WAY. This was not his issue... it was MY issue. He would NOT eat something. But I needed to eat something. I told him I would NOT eat anything until he ate something too. He told me he didn't need a mother. He didn't need to be told what to do. He could make decisions for himself. We screamed at each other for a while and then he decided to "make nice" but I wasn't having any of it... I clammed up. Even if it was prideful and stubborn and I starved to death, I would not eat a thing until he did too.

I cried and sniffled and pondered.

He drove.

I was thinking.

I was thinking that maybe I am afraid that if he got sober and strong he might not want me any more.

This thought shocked me.

Am I more comfortable with him being and staying sick?

Do I KEEP him sick so he will need me?

Do I discourage him from getting better because I am afraid that if he got better he would not want me any more?

It was a kind of sad, shocking, scary, humiliating epiphany.

A few miles later he announced that he was hungry and wanted to eat and did I want anything? This is our pattern.

He can't bear to fight. He will give in and swallow his hurt and indignation and pain... and just go get drunk in a few more days/weeks/months/years.

I think I laughed and cried at the same time.

Yes. I would like to eat.

We pulled off at the Golden Arches.

I hugged him and kissed him and appreciated him in a way I haven't for a long time.

As sick and tweaked as he is, I am too.

Water found it's own level with us.

I am grateful for him.

Devotion 4:6-7

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”- Philippians 4:6-7

PEACE. We all want peace. Peace and quiet, peace of mind, peace on earth, keeping the peace, making peace, peace offerings, and even 'rest in peace'. The thought of peace probably resonates with us as human beings because God designed us to long for His peace. 

And Scripture tells us how to get it.

Think of all the things you are thankful for. We can start with the basics: the fact that our hearts beat, our lungs breathe, and our brains think. Work our way up from there: Trees. Clouds. Snow flakes. The beach. Ocean. Babies. Music. Then get personal: My best friend, my job, cream soda, my little brother. When we function from a place of gratitude, we can’t help but begin to see things in a better, more hopeful light. We come “glass half full” kinds of people.

It is in this spirit we are told to come ask God for what we need. We don’t need to be stressed. We don’t need to wonder if He hears. We don’t need to be afraid. We can just come to Him with thankful hearts and ask Him and trust that He knows what we need and what is best for us. When we do this, His peace – a peace we can’t even begin to understand – will protect us.

Then it all comes full circle. When we come to Him with a grateful heart, we will be given His peace to guard our hearts. When we have His peace dwelling in us, we will not need to be anxious and worried. When we are filled with peace and we are not anxious and worried, we will be even more able to focus on our gratitude for who God is and what He has given us and done for us. We can then approach God in prayer with a peaceful heart filled with thanks.