The Diet - Part 2 and update

Well, it has been MONTHS since my last update and the beginning of our diets.

We eventually adjusted to our crabbiness and settled into the routine. We ate healthier and made wiser eating choices. I continued walking around the lake (3 miles) 5 days a week. My caffeine reduction did NOT go so well and I am still clinging to my full-fledged addiction.

I have lost around 30 lbs. and have about 25 to go. I am already MUCH happier with how I look! Mr. M is down to 222 lbs. and does not want to lose any more. He just wants to keep lifting weights and getting BIGGER at the gym.

We went on a 2 week family vacation at the start of summer and I utterly and entirely did not watch a THING I ate (well, except to WATCH it go INTO MY MOUTH!!!). I did not gain anything back, thankfully, but I sure as heck did not lose. We have been back 3 weeks now and I am having trouble getting back into the swing of things... it is REALLY hard. Again, I am not gaining, but I'm not losing. I have been good the last 3 days or so. Hoping I will have more discipline. I am hoping by Christmas I will be where I want to be. (That seems a LONG way off!)

HOW ARE WE DOING IT? - calorie counting pure and simple.

Eat less, move more.

Calories in/calories out.

Less input/more output.

I get 1500 calories per day.

Mr. M gets 2400 calories per day.

Update on our Fam:

Mr. M is still progressing nicely in his sobriety.

He has 16 months.

It is not perfect.

I still get very fearful and suspicious and controlling.

Drummer had his birthday party and we had 40 old teens/young adults over and Mr. M disappeared and didn't tell me where he was going (at 10PM). He sauntered back in a little bit later and I was a little panicky and accusatory. He was ashamed, hurt and pissed so he did not comfort me or assuage my fears. He acted all cavalier and like I was over-reacting and "what's the big deal". this was all SUCH old behavior and did nothing to quell my fears. We were able to talk it out and work through it and he admitted he was ashamed and embarrassed and wished he could go to the store without me freaking out... but he realizes it is HIS past behavior that puts us in that position. Blah blah blah. We shall see, you know? In the meantime, I am powerless over Mr. M and my life is unmanageable.

I am still in therapy and I STILL feel like I am growing and making progress... so as long as that is true, I will keep going.

The kids are doing well.

Hacker is planning a mission trip for several months to Africa.

Drummer is getting ready to head off to college *sniff sniff*.

Bub is about to get his driver's license.

Girlie is an emotional roller coaster - teenage girls... CRAZY!!!

xo

EPIPHANY: Do I Need My Alcoholic Husband to Stay Sick????

Mr. M and I got in a fight on the way out to the desert (to roast in 117 degree heat - what were we thinking???). I was a crabby bitch (nitpicking, nagging, everything wrong, everyone bugging me, head-achy, grouchy, grrrrr) crabbing at everyone. - Way to start a vacation, right? We stopped by the liquor store for Mr. M to grab some chewing tobacco and the kids to grab some drinks for the road. Mr. M had suggested I think about eating something (he usually suggests this when I am being a crabby bitch and thankfully eating usually helps). I went next door and tried to find something to eat. All they had were donuts. I didn't really want to even eat a donut, but thought EVERYONE might benefit if I did. So I went to order a donut and of course thought that it would not be nice of Mommy to show up in the car munching a maple bar and not bring something for everyone else. So I bought several. I got in the car and Mr. M made a face and got mad. Did I not want to ask for anyone else's opinion before just DECIDING for everyone else that we should have donuts? Do I think he wants to eat a big fat pill? Why didn't I ASK before just buying?

So I felt humiliated and stupid and hurt and embarrassed.

I told him we should stop and BOTH get something to eat. He said NO WAY. This was not his issue... it was MY issue. He would NOT eat something. But I needed to eat something. I told him I would NOT eat anything until he ate something too. He told me he didn't need a mother. He didn't need to be told what to do. He could make decisions for himself. We screamed at each other for a while and then he decided to "make nice" but I wasn't having any of it... I clammed up. Even if it was prideful and stubborn and I starved to death, I would not eat a thing until he did too.

I cried and sniffled and pondered.

He drove.

I was thinking.

I was thinking that maybe I am afraid that if he got sober and strong he might not want me any more.

This thought shocked me.

Am I more comfortable with him being and staying sick?

Do I KEEP him sick so he will need me?

Do I discourage him from getting better because I am afraid that if he got better he would not want me any more?

It was a kind of sad, shocking, scary, humiliating epiphany.

A few miles later he announced that he was hungry and wanted to eat and did I want anything? This is our pattern.

He can't bear to fight. He will give in and swallow his hurt and indignation and pain... and just go get drunk in a few more days/weeks/months/years.

I think I laughed and cried at the same time.

Yes. I would like to eat.

We pulled off at the Golden Arches.

I hugged him and kissed him and appreciated him in a way I haven't for a long time.

As sick and tweaked as he is, I am too.

Water found it's own level with us.

I am grateful for him.

Who I Want To Be

I want to be a fun, funky, whimsical, delightful person.

I'm not.

I am actually fairly crabby, anal retentive, controlling, fearful, and rigid.

Some things that make me feel like my best person are:

The saying "Follow Your Bliss"

The Happy Woman Store - Everything in it - just being on the website - makes me happy.

I want to write these books (books that look and feel like this):

I want to be a person who puts these on her luggage, not because she WANTS to be fun and funky or is TRYING to be whimsical and delightful, but because she IS:

I am almost 40 and I want to be able to embrace it in the free "when I am an old woman, I shall wear purple" kind of a way (and I want to say words like "shall" in every day conversation that doesn't sound old fashioned and prude, but whimsical and funky). I want to be "old enough to smell the roses, young enough to be in love, and wise enough to let it be".

I DELIGHT in the saying "I am fairly certain that given a cap and a nice tiara, I could save the world."

I adore the work of photographer Tara Whitney, and her eye and the way she sees the world... she has a great professional website and also a great blog. I want to be like the people in all her photographs. Looking at them makes me jealous, I confess. I want to have chalkboard-faced cabinets in my kitchen and fun friends and kids who write on them. Ahhhh... just click and enjoy her eye and her brain and her.

As a Christian I feel guilty about liking "The Secret", but I do. I don't like or agree with all the new agey "we are all god" crap, but I DO like the reminders:

be grateful

what you focus on expands

you teach people how to treat you

when things hurt or are tough you ask "what can I learn from this"

live excited for the next great thing God is going to bring into your life

Ask. Believe. Receive.

I even like this encouraging video... It is a terrific daily reminder.

I adore Beth Moore's Bible teaching.... I am moved by God's bigness and goodness when I sit under her teaching (on DVD) and I also get a kick out of her Living Proof Ministries blog.

Helen Keller said 'Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.' Wow!... no really, Wow!... read that again.

'Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.'

Seriously?

My life is not a daring adventure right now... it is a fearful, closed little hermit crab of a life. I want to live a daring, reckless, wide open, breathless, full of wonder life!

I want to be a person that has people over to my home and yard to eat and laugh even if my house is not decorated perfectly or I don't have a pool or I am not a great cook... I just want there to be a spirit of home and hospitality.

Even though I am in an alcoholic marriage, there is still room for delight and whimsy and freedom. I feel like I will be grateful and blessed and OK if I can become this type of person... maybe I should give it a try and see...