The Diet - Part 2 and update

Well, it has been MONTHS since my last update and the beginning of our diets.

We eventually adjusted to our crabbiness and settled into the routine. We ate healthier and made wiser eating choices. I continued walking around the lake (3 miles) 5 days a week. My caffeine reduction did NOT go so well and I am still clinging to my full-fledged addiction.

I have lost around 30 lbs. and have about 25 to go. I am already MUCH happier with how I look! Mr. M is down to 222 lbs. and does not want to lose any more. He just wants to keep lifting weights and getting BIGGER at the gym.

We went on a 2 week family vacation at the start of summer and I utterly and entirely did not watch a THING I ate (well, except to WATCH it go INTO MY MOUTH!!!). I did not gain anything back, thankfully, but I sure as heck did not lose. We have been back 3 weeks now and I am having trouble getting back into the swing of things... it is REALLY hard. Again, I am not gaining, but I'm not losing. I have been good the last 3 days or so. Hoping I will have more discipline. I am hoping by Christmas I will be where I want to be. (That seems a LONG way off!)

HOW ARE WE DOING IT? - calorie counting pure and simple.

Eat less, move more.

Calories in/calories out.

Less input/more output.

I get 1500 calories per day.

Mr. M gets 2400 calories per day.

Update on our Fam:

Mr. M is still progressing nicely in his sobriety.

He has 16 months.

It is not perfect.

I still get very fearful and suspicious and controlling.

Drummer had his birthday party and we had 40 old teens/young adults over and Mr. M disappeared and didn't tell me where he was going (at 10PM). He sauntered back in a little bit later and I was a little panicky and accusatory. He was ashamed, hurt and pissed so he did not comfort me or assuage my fears. He acted all cavalier and like I was over-reacting and "what's the big deal". this was all SUCH old behavior and did nothing to quell my fears. We were able to talk it out and work through it and he admitted he was ashamed and embarrassed and wished he could go to the store without me freaking out... but he realizes it is HIS past behavior that puts us in that position. Blah blah blah. We shall see, you know? In the meantime, I am powerless over Mr. M and my life is unmanageable.

I am still in therapy and I STILL feel like I am growing and making progress... so as long as that is true, I will keep going.

The kids are doing well.

Hacker is planning a mission trip for several months to Africa.

Drummer is getting ready to head off to college *sniff sniff*.

Bub is about to get his driver's license.

Girlie is an emotional roller coaster - teenage girls... CRAZY!!!

xo

Distant Land Part 3

I finished the book The Distant Land of My Father by Bo Caldwell.

SPOILER ALERT:

Anna's mother dies of leukemia.

Years later, Anna's dad dies of a heart attack.

I can't even remember WHAT exactly got to me, but I actually started to cry so hard I had to put the book down.

Obviously, I was not crying about the book or the story, but about myself and my own hurts and pain.

I made ugly crying faces and little gurgling crying noises and cried and cried.

I cried about my life and my parents and my alcoholic husband and my kids and myself.

I cried about how I don't let myself be comforted and I don't let myself cry.

I cried about the dilemma of facing all your hurts with your parents but still liking & loving them and wanting to be in relationship with them and is that OK?  Am I "allowed" to do that? Am I "allowed" to want that?

I cried about Hacker who is working so hard at his new job and is actually doing difficult and scary things (cold call sales) that I am too terrified to do... and while I am PROUD as punch, I am also freaked out because it makes me uncomfortable when he calls people  that I feel too uncomfortable calling.

I cried because Anna (the book's protagonist) allowed her horrible, selfish, abandoning father to hug her and comfort her after her mother's death.  She allowed herself to receive comfort, even though it would be imperfect.  She allowed it to be enough for that moment.  She needed it and she accepted it.

I cried and cried.

I felt sad.

I felt true.

I felt a little scared & out of control.

I felt a little hopeful.

I got a headache and a stuffed up nose.