Distant Land Part 3

I finished the book The Distant Land of My Father by Bo Caldwell.

SPOILER ALERT:

Anna's mother dies of leukemia.

Years later, Anna's dad dies of a heart attack.

I can't even remember WHAT exactly got to me, but I actually started to cry so hard I had to put the book down.

Obviously, I was not crying about the book or the story, but about myself and my own hurts and pain.

I made ugly crying faces and little gurgling crying noises and cried and cried.

I cried about my life and my parents and my alcoholic husband and my kids and myself.

I cried about how I don't let myself be comforted and I don't let myself cry.

I cried about the dilemma of facing all your hurts with your parents but still liking & loving them and wanting to be in relationship with them and is that OK?  Am I "allowed" to do that? Am I "allowed" to want that?

I cried about Hacker who is working so hard at his new job and is actually doing difficult and scary things (cold call sales) that I am too terrified to do... and while I am PROUD as punch, I am also freaked out because it makes me uncomfortable when he calls people  that I feel too uncomfortable calling.

I cried because Anna (the book's protagonist) allowed her horrible, selfish, abandoning father to hug her and comfort her after her mother's death.  She allowed herself to receive comfort, even though it would be imperfect.  She allowed it to be enough for that moment.  She needed it and she accepted it.

I cried and cried.

I felt sad.

I felt true.

I felt a little scared & out of control.

I felt a little hopeful.

I got a headache and a stuffed up nose.

Me #3 (Cleavage)

I am lonely and sad and feel rejected and unloved. I don't feel good about how I look outside or how I feel inside.

I am fat right now, for me (size 12). Fatter than I have ever been. I don't like how I look in clothes. One thing I think I look good in is lower cut tops. I think my cleavage takes some of the focus off the rest of me. Plus, I believe these cuts are more flattering to my body type and the way I carry my fat. Plus, if I get a little extra attention or notice or interest due to the cleavage (my boobs are much more generous looking when I am fatter... the only benefit of the extra weight), that doesn't hurt my sad, lonely neglected feeling.

Oh, I am not stupid enough to let myself believe - even for a minute - that appreciation of my boobs means love, care, comfort, acceptance, a lifetime of care and companionship... but it is nice for 10 seconds to feel seen & noticed... in ANY way. Again, I KNOW this is not the way I deeply desire to be known and noticed... but it is something and something is better than nothing. Isn't it???

Maybe like a little kid wanting attention, ANY attention, even if it means being naughty and getting in trouble.

And as a "nice" Christian wife and mother, I am not supposed to flaunt my cleavage.

But sometimes I don't really care.

I sometimes make a stab a modesty, but I feel like it makes me look fatter - like I am trying to hide my curves instead of "accentuating the positive".

I want to look 'yummy' instead of fat... delicious.

I want love and care, but apparently, I will take some attention for my cleavage as sloppy seconds.

The Mountain That Loved A Bird

Dr. recommended I get this book.

I can see why.

If you have a problem asking for and receiving love, care, and/or comfort, I would recommend you consider maybe following Dr.'s suggestion for me, and order this book too.

Used from Amazon, it is actually quite affordable!

I don't need to illuminate the symbolism here... once you get the book, you will just KNOW.