The Bickersons

Last night Mr. M and I grabbed dinner and then were going to watch a DVD. When we got home, the kids were all home and chatty. So we hung out a while with them. Then it got to be late (10PM). I suggested we retire to the bedroom to watch the movie.

Mr. M said it was getting late. He wasn't sure he was going to watch it now if he wasn't going to be allowed to spend the night.

I KNOW he was just setting a boundary, which is healthy. In therapy with Dr., he had said it is OK for me to set boundaries and honor my feelings, but likewise, Mr. M gets to decide to set his OWN boundaries and honor HIS feeling.

So last night because I wouldn't let him spend the night (my boundary), he decided he didn't want to stay late at our house and get relaxed and cozy then get up after midnight and go out into the chilly night and drive to Hacker & Wifey's house with no parking and park far away and walk 10 minutes then get back home to bed where he is no longer relaxed and ready for bed (his boundary).

I felt a little miffed because to ME, it feels like I am getting punished for him drinking and falling apart to the point when I had to ask him to move out... so now, because he doesn't live here (consequence of HIS drinking), he has to leave late at night and get cold and be tired, so he doesn't want to stay and spend the evening with me as a result. So I get "punished" again and again because he doesn't live here. (On a scale of 1-10, this one only felt like a 2, but our Christmas Eve fight - I posted about it here- was in the same vein and felt more like an 8.)

So it is just all so mixed up and confused.

I am happy (truly I am!) that he is setting boundaries. (I validated this last night.)

This is necessary for his growth and health and hopefully, ultimately will contribute to his sobriety.

At the same time, there is still LOSS in it for me and I don't feel like he is AT ALL yet able to validate me in that.

I am still recovering from the heartbreak that he drank and that my world (and the kids') is all upside down again and I feel frightened and alone and unsafe.

I feel angry that he wants to saunter back in here and act like 7 weeks sobriety is enough to erase the upheaval and terror and abandonment.

I feel hopeless when I wonder "When will it ever be MY turn to have a meltdown?".

He went home last night and got all cozy in his bed and watched a movie then he got up this morning and went to a meeting then came over. I got my 5 1/2 mile walk in with a friend while he was at his meeting and so was feeling great by the time I got home.

I thought that was a nice start to the day.

I wasn't mad.

I didn't think he was.

But now the day has been spent in NEW misunderstandings and bickerings and I feel like BOTH of us are left scratching our heads.

This is SO tiring...

Therapy update

I am still seeing "Dr." who I used to write about each week. I SHOULD start writing weekly updates again to chronicle my journey for myself. (If I ever go back and read them, it is SOOO interesting to me to see where I was and what I was learning - a blog is just a journal posted online... even if no one else reads it, it is a record of our journeys, for ourselves.)

I took a break from therapy for a few moths due to financial reasons - we had a LARGE tax bill due in April and needed to scale back to get that paid. When we recouped, I started therapy again. The timing was perfect in that Mr. M relapsed about 2 weeks before I started again... it has been a lifeline to sanity to have a healthy, balanced person with whom to process.

Much of what I blog about probably comes straight out of stuff I am working on in therapy. One of the main things being to just ALLOW myself to be where I am... to be sad, to be mad, to be heartbroken, to grieve etc.

I didn't realize quite how much I make up all these rules to follow.

I have to kind of chuckle (a sad chuckle because it is not "haha" funny, but it is interesting funny) when I think back to when Hacker was in 1st grade. He was at a small private school that did not have uniforms but the boys had to wear slacks and a collared shirt. Hacker usually wore "polo" style collared shirts but one day I gave him a shirt that buttoned all the way up from the bottom. "Oh, mom, we are not allowed to wear this kind of shirt," Hacker told me. I assured him that he WAS allowed. He was fairly certain he was not. We went back and forth a few times and I eventually said "Sweetie, there are plenty of rules in life and in your school - you don't need to MAKE UP rules to follow!" I thought this was HILARIOUS that he was not just a "rule follower" but so much so that he created rules that MIGHT exist to follow. I wondered WHERE he got this?!

I remember some friends who live in Singapore doing a similar thing. Chewing gum is illegal in Singapore (I think due to littering prevention). One of our friends brought some gum home from America for his family to chew in their home. The wife gasped with horror that her husband was bringing this bootleg contraband into their home. He told her is was not illegal to own and chew gum in their country, in their home... it was only illegal in public. She was not so sure about that... she was pretty confident that NO, it was illegal in any form in any place. Again, there are plenty of real rules, but in our fear and pleasing, we sometimes invent and follow extra unnecessary rules.

All this brings me back to me, all these years later. Well, I darn well know where Hacker got this! I came to see that I was not the rebel I thought I was. I too have rules I make up to follow.

I have all sorts of rules around Mr. M's drinking and m behaviors & responses that I didn't even realize I have. For example, in this latest go around, I decided not to have Mr. M join us for Thanksgiving. It was HARD but I thought it was a realistic consequence, given his choices. Then the next day, I heard a RAT running around above my head in the attic and when Mr. M offered to come take care of it, I gratefully said "yes". I felt bad doing this because my RULE said that I needed to be consistent. I am not allowed to hug him and kiss him and have him come over and hug me on wednesday only to say I am feeling angry and sad on thursday and don't feel like seeing him. I have rules that say I have to pick a position and stay with it. Why??? I'm not sure... because I don't want to send wishy-washy messages? Or maybe because I feel like if I am inconsistent that will make him confused and sad and cause him to drink (as if anything *I* say or do actually causes him to drink! - My grandiosity thinking I am not powerless and that my life is manageable).

I feel like I sound like a crazy person letting Mr. M come over one day and then NOT letting him the next. Dr. is so validating though. He says that I am honoring myself and listening to what I need. As long as I am just listening to my needs and being nice to myself, he thinks it is healthy. If I have MOTIVES though (like to punish him or teach him or send him a message), then it is a different ball game and he would want to explore that. On the flip side, he says Mr. M gets to also be "wishy washy" and decide if HE feels like he wants to come over and kill the rat or not. Maybe he WILL do it, but tomorrow and not get up out of his cozy bed when he is already hunkered down for the evening. Mr. M functions out of a lot of guilt and shame and "owing"... he has a really tough time saying "no" to me when he is sober because he feels like he has hurt me so badly he owes it to me to set no boundaries and has to do anything I want. I am sure in our younger years I perpetuated that and completely agreed that he DID owe me... but this is a tough one, because how long does he owe me and how much? Can he ever repay his debt? etc. - If I am going to "forgive" him and stay with him, I feel like I actually need to forgive him and stay with him... but is that just another one of my "rules" I made up??? - I am still learning!!!

I think it is more about - If I am sad then I am sad and I can express my sadness. I might want to cry and tell him how much sadness this has caused me. If I am feeling mad and don't feel like being around him then that is an OK boundary to set. Likewise, HE needs to be responsible for himself and what he can handle... for example, he needs to honor himself and believe HE is worthy of that... so if he is not in a place to be able to HEAR my sadness right then, he doesn't "owe" it to me to listen right then. He might need to say "I am feeling overwhelmed right now and I don't feel like now is a good time for me to listen to your feelings... can we do this tomorrow?". We both need to be grown-ups and be responsible for ourselves.

I am glad he has started therapy too so at least it isn't like I am speaking Greek to him! We are both kind of of the same page speaking mostly the same language.

Alcoholic Marriage Wordle 2, 3, 4...

I am a little addicted.

But I'm done.

Seriously.

I have made like 391 of them (www.wordle.net), but I will post just a few for edification (or fun!)... 

These were created not from my blog but from a word list I created using recovery or feeling words that applied to my situation and resonated with me.  Using that same wordlist repeatedly, either randomly or by my design, fonts, colors, layout, etc. can be changed.  (The bigger words are bigger because they are repeated more often, so for example, I said "hurt", "God", and "ask" more than once in the list.)