Anxiety in Spades

I am doing a tad better emotionally the last couple of day, but am experiencing a LOT of anxiety.  I am not sure why. I have cut out all supplements and a lot of caffeine.  Must just be feelings - haha!
Today is the graduation party for Bub.
I guess there is always at least SOME anxiety with entertaining.
Girlie isn't doing well emotionally... I know that causes anxiety for me.
Drummer's band had a show the other night and someone overheard some people making fun of him/them and THAT gave me anxiety.
I chose to go to Drummer's show (because I haven't been in a long time) and I missed Bub's last improv comedy competition.  (I asked if his feelings would be hurt if I went to Drummer's show -he said "no".)  Apparently Bub was HILARIOUS and did SO well and had SUCH a great time (best match ever!).
Mr. M was supposed to go to that and chose to stay home and watch TV.
I have guilt and anxiety that I missed it.  (I apologized to Bub and told him how hard it was to have to pick - I went to his Senior Drama goodbye and Thursday night and his award presentation on Tuesday night - and I said "I probably should've gone to yours since it was the last one ever and Drummer will have more shows" and Bub said "Yeah, that's what my girlfriend said." - Aaaaaarrrgggh!)
Hacker's wife's parents are in town from out-of-state... first time EVER in our state - and I have been so busy with all this stuff (and throwing the graduation party) that I haven't seen them ONCE!  It was terrible timing for their trip!  (But no one asked me - haha!)  THAT gives me anxiety!!!!!!!!!!
All I can figure is that I have been pushing down so many feelings for so many years (living in an alcoholic marriage, but also before then - from my childhood) and now that they are surfacing, they are just overwhelming.
Well, on with the day...

Season of Grief

I've been feeling down lately.
I am sure it is largely in part to what I have been dealing with in therapy and all the feelings around that, but there is just a LOT of pain coming up.
Bub is graduating and preparing to go across the country to college and this is sad and painful for me (even though it is wonderful and exciting - I am just going to miss him AND it is the grieving for the end of a season).
Hacker recently told me that he & wifey are looking at moving to the South for him to work on a Masters.
Drummer is engaged and will be married in December and move out.  He is a DELIGHT, but a tad hard to have at home, so this is AWESOME, but it is still a transition and i love him and love having him here and will miss him too.
Girlie has been struggling with anxiety and depression.  She wants to homeschool (heaven help us!).  She says she doesn't want to get married or have kids.  She doesn't want to go to college or pursue her dreams because she knows she won't achieve them.  It is SO sad and I don't know how to help her.

Mr M and I have not been doing super well.  We just have SO much baggage and pain and hurt and our past together is so big - and the knowledge that the future could very well hold more of the same is so ever-present - I don't know if we can recover and not keep punishing each other.
I am not proud of my behavior, but the other day, in our fight, I literally got down on my knees and clasped my hands in front of me and BEGGED that we consider calling it quits.
I feel paralyzed and trapped.  "Can't live with him/can't live without him."  We are not happy and we are hurting each other.  Yet there are benefits to staying together: finances, having a partner in some activities, having someone who knows how to fix stuff and is sometimes available to share the work & kid load, having someone to hug, having a person to have sex with, having someone who will drive you to the hospital at 3AM, having someone to zip that pesky zipper or (gross!) pop a back zit (not that i EVER have those - haha!).  I don't WANT to be single.  I only ever wanted to be married.  If we divorce, there is no guarantee anyone will ever love me again... I have to be ok being alone.  I would have to share the kids on holidays.  I don't want the KIDS to have to go through that either for holidays or at their graduations and weddings and baby births.  And don't even get me started if Mr M finds a new wife to hold and love and do life with while I am alone.  GAWD, I would DIE!

I get down on myself and ask "Am I just having an extended pity party?"... but I am trying to be kind to me... I am grieving - on so many levels.  I am just plain old sad.  And after 24 years (yes, we just had our 24th anniversary last month) of love and loss and ups and downs, I am tried and broken-hearted and paralyzed - not wanting to end it but not wanting to go on like this for ANOTHER 24 years...

I Don't Want To Be Married Any More

I have sooooo much anxiety.

I was out of town for a few days and while I was gone I checked in several times a day with Mr.M. I think I was pretending that everything was normal and OK. That I was out of town and he was just at home and things were just like they have always been.

He is self-absorbed and irritable and pitiful and seems hardly aware that I might be having some experiences while I am traveling that I might like to share... he talks incessantly about himself, repeating the same story over & over. It is actually quite concerning.

Yet still I want to pretend like everything is OK.

But when I got home, anxiety descended immediately.

He smells like alcohol.

But - I am telling myself - he is functioning. He is working and coherent... he can't DO that when he is drinking. He can't drink in moderation. He gets fall-down dead drunk right out the gate.

So what am I smelling?

And what about my mantra to "believe myself"?

He is staying with Hacker & Mrs. Hacker and is supposed to be looking for a place to live, but isn't.

I want to CONTROL my environment and CONTROL him and CONTROL the situation and say he isn't ALLOWED to live there... and they will all "obey" me... but is that what I want?

While out of town, I prayed for his death... not out of anger or hate or spite... I am tired and he is miserable and killing himself slowly every day.

I thought of him dying and I felt relieved.

I prayed he would be miraculously cured of this disease or die.

I prayed that it wouldn't be a death from drunk driving or from suicide or from drinking directly (right now).

A car accident would be OK or cancer - sudden & quick, or

alcohol related illness death,

but after-the-fact, not drinking again and dying from it, if that makes sense.

What I am getting at is that I would love him to die sober not drunk, so the kids don't have to live with that.

I want to move on and be free from the agony of worry.

But I can't do it while he is alive.

I don't want to divorce him.

I don't want to give up on him.

I don't want the kids to see me give up on him.

I don't believe in divorce (if it is possible to avoid it).

I believed my vows "in sickness and in health, in richer, in poorer"... I don't want to break them.

I am not proud of this.

I am sad and sick.

But this is where I am, confessionally.

Therapy Day 4.22.08

Last week I sat facing the parking lot in the waiting room as I waited for my appointment time. I saw a car race into the lot and wondered if that was my therapist (I have no idea what kind of car he even drives). I felt uncomfortable... sad. I had to ponder why. I realized it was because I pictured him at home, drinking coffee, playing with his kids, hanging out with his wife and thinking "Damn, I have to get into work... I'm going to be late." And he had to pull himself reluctantly away for work... and I am his work!  

I didn't want to be his job.

This week, I waited in the waiting room and the longer I waited, the more anxiety I experienced.  So we talked about my anxiety.  We talked about my desire to control Mr. M.  We talked about what boundaries are appropriate to set and what are manipulations.  

I feel Mr. M might be abusing his psych meds (gabapentin, generic for neurontin) and didn't know if it was my "business" to express this to him.  My therapist said a couple great things: He said I can be responsible TO people but not FOR people.  So yes, I can express a concern, because we are in a relationship... but I have to leave it at that.  Good stuff.  He also said that perhaps I could treat Mr. M with respect and ask if I could offer some feedback (or if he would like to hear some feedback).  then it is up to him whether he would like to hear it or not.  On the other hand, it is MY prerogative to not want to be around him if he is on the meds and seems out of it and I certainly do not need to be a party to helping him GET his meds.

We talked about how I LOVE my kids but hold myself back from loving entirely.  (He validated me by saying that as long as we are still alive, we will probably not be able to love FULLY - 100% -  because we are human and flawed, which made me feel a LITTLE better.)  Anyhow, I am SO aware that my kids have free choice.  They will ultimately choose who they are going to marry, whether or not I like them.   They may move out of state and have my grandbabies far away from me.  They may do drugs or get pregnant or have abortions or get tattoos or drop out of college or become "hippies" ;o) etc. and ultimately, I do not have ANY say over it, really.  So, I hold myself back, to protect myself, so I don't get hurt.  I have trouble giving myself over to truly loving because I am afraid of rejection and abandonment.  

So do I know how to truly RECEIVE love?  

No, not really, I answered.  

I hold myself back from receiving because I am afraid it will go away.

I shared how I devalue the care I receive in therapy; it is his job, he sees 8 people a day every day, I am limited to an hour, etc.

He said that may be how I try to make it less important to me, but that I DO experience care and DO receive love in therapy.

I said I wasn't sure about that.

He said he believed I did and that is why I do not want my session to end each week and why I cared that he was coming in and might view it as a "job".

Hmmm... interesting...