Therapy Day 4.22.08

Last week I sat facing the parking lot in the waiting room as I waited for my appointment time. I saw a car race into the lot and wondered if that was my therapist (I have no idea what kind of car he even drives). I felt uncomfortable... sad. I had to ponder why. I realized it was because I pictured him at home, drinking coffee, playing with his kids, hanging out with his wife and thinking "Damn, I have to get into work... I'm going to be late." And he had to pull himself reluctantly away for work... and I am his work!  

I didn't want to be his job.

This week, I waited in the waiting room and the longer I waited, the more anxiety I experienced.  So we talked about my anxiety.  We talked about my desire to control Mr. M.  We talked about what boundaries are appropriate to set and what are manipulations.  

I feel Mr. M might be abusing his psych meds (gabapentin, generic for neurontin) and didn't know if it was my "business" to express this to him.  My therapist said a couple great things: He said I can be responsible TO people but not FOR people.  So yes, I can express a concern, because we are in a relationship... but I have to leave it at that.  Good stuff.  He also said that perhaps I could treat Mr. M with respect and ask if I could offer some feedback (or if he would like to hear some feedback).  then it is up to him whether he would like to hear it or not.  On the other hand, it is MY prerogative to not want to be around him if he is on the meds and seems out of it and I certainly do not need to be a party to helping him GET his meds.

We talked about how I LOVE my kids but hold myself back from loving entirely.  (He validated me by saying that as long as we are still alive, we will probably not be able to love FULLY - 100% -  because we are human and flawed, which made me feel a LITTLE better.)  Anyhow, I am SO aware that my kids have free choice.  They will ultimately choose who they are going to marry, whether or not I like them.   They may move out of state and have my grandbabies far away from me.  They may do drugs or get pregnant or have abortions or get tattoos or drop out of college or become "hippies" ;o) etc. and ultimately, I do not have ANY say over it, really.  So, I hold myself back, to protect myself, so I don't get hurt.  I have trouble giving myself over to truly loving because I am afraid of rejection and abandonment.  

So do I know how to truly RECEIVE love?  

No, not really, I answered.  

I hold myself back from receiving because I am afraid it will go away.

I shared how I devalue the care I receive in therapy; it is his job, he sees 8 people a day every day, I am limited to an hour, etc.

He said that may be how I try to make it less important to me, but that I DO experience care and DO receive love in therapy.

I said I wasn't sure about that.

He said he believed I did and that is why I do not want my session to end each week and why I cared that he was coming in and might view it as a "job".

Hmmm... interesting...