Blogless (in Seattle?)

It's been a long time. 

A lot has happened.  

I wish I could've blogged about it, but I didn't.  My heart was broken and I couldn't even bother to make dinner for the kids each night, so blogging was waaayy down on the priority list. Bummer.  Now that I am coming out of it a little, I WISH I could read what I would have written about it.... because it is another piece of the truth of the alcoholic marriage.  But I can't go back in time, and self-flagellation will not change anything, so I will just pick up from where I left off.  I still don't have any readers, so no one really missed me yet... but I missed myself... and maybe one day, when I HAVE readers, they too will miss this chunk of time and wish they could've read what I would've said.

Mr. M went off the deep end again (gasp!).  He ran away from his program (this is incorrect, he actually stumbled away or shuffled away and possibly even staggered away, but I am pretty sure there was no running involved).  He ended up being found by the police LAYING ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD (a very public road, I might add).  He was put up in a hotel for a night but was so intoxicated the following morning that he could not check out or pay, so the police had to be called (again).  He was soooooo far down... his bottom is soooo much lower than I could have anticipated in my worst nightmares.  Now that I could actually picture my prayers for his death being answered, not only was I really, pretty sure I didn't want him to die, I also GOT (in my deepest, most dense and stubborn part of my brain and heart), that I didn't get a say, one way or the other.  For - I think - the first time in my life, I truly, deeply understood that I am not in control (of anything other than myself)!

It has been a dark - but necessary - couple of months.

I am coming out of it.

Mr. M has a little over 30 days sober.  We may not have him tomorrow, but we are enjoying him today.

I may not stay married to him tomorrow... but today, I believe I will.

I still fantasize about meeting and marrying someone else and starting fresh and new... but don't give it as much power or weight any more.

I have unclenched my fist today and I FEEL a little less angry, scared, and brittle.

I look at myself in the mirror every day and tell myself I love myself.

"I love you, me" I say sincerely, looking deeply into my eyes "I really love you."  

(I don't think I totally believe me yet, but I am working on it.)

I also have 3 things I am praying for and SEEING happening to me:

I am SEEING myself thin and fit and healthy (not to get a man to love me, but so I feel healthy and good about myself).

I am SEEING myself earning $160k a year (not THAT much further to go... well, OK, it's a ways, but seems do-able!) and being financially free and able to tithe cheerfully and give generously - whether Mr. M is in the picture or not.

And SEEING my marriage miraculously restored.  (I am going to believe God for it... and both God and Mr. M are going to do what they are going to do).

I am also choosing to be GRATEFUL for Mr. M's alcoholism and this whole journey.  I am a grateful Believer who BELIEVES God is who He says He is and can do what He says He can do.