My Next Husband

Maybe Mr. M will get and stay sober and be my first husband AND my next husband... or maybe this man will be someone else.

WHAT I WANT IN A HUSBAND:

Sober or able to occasionally drink socially as a “Normie"
Handsome and sexually attractive - to me.
Sexually attracted to me – in various sizes, shapes, and conditions.
Will love me through thick and thin and tough times.
Will love me when I am afraid I am unloveable.
Is emotionally available.
Is willing to be loved and able to receive love.
Is willing to see his faults and make changes.
Has been broken and has done healing work.
Earns an excellent income - enough to support us to have the things we desire, travel, play, and be able to give our lives away (to widows & orphans).  (I would love to be able to quite my job.) 

Educated and smart.
Christ follower.
A reader and/or learner.
A good communicator.
Loves life.
Loves himself.
Believes life and God love him.
Other-centered. 
Will join me in my life’s work of serving orphans and widows.
Wants to go on mission trips.
Spiritual leader and head of the household.
More spiritually mature than me.
Exciting and enticing to be around. Magnetic.
Enjoys people and being social. 
Enjoys family and makes family a priority.
Enjoys travel and has time, energy, and money to travel.
Loyal.
Honorable.
Generous.
Patient.
Kind.
Has integrity.
Likes children. Will be a good grandfather.
Loves to laugh (in a healthy, appropriate way).
Masculine. Manly.
Likes my children and my children like him.
Loves my children and my children love him.
Healthy.
Good.
Likes the ocean and beach. Desires to live on the beach.
Likes the theater and fine dining.
Good manners.
Good grammar.
Enjoys entertaining, wants to entertain, willing to use resources to entertain.

Blogless (in Seattle?)

It's been a long time. 

A lot has happened.  

I wish I could've blogged about it, but I didn't.  My heart was broken and I couldn't even bother to make dinner for the kids each night, so blogging was waaayy down on the priority list. Bummer.  Now that I am coming out of it a little, I WISH I could read what I would have written about it.... because it is another piece of the truth of the alcoholic marriage.  But I can't go back in time, and self-flagellation will not change anything, so I will just pick up from where I left off.  I still don't have any readers, so no one really missed me yet... but I missed myself... and maybe one day, when I HAVE readers, they too will miss this chunk of time and wish they could've read what I would've said.

Mr. M went off the deep end again (gasp!).  He ran away from his program (this is incorrect, he actually stumbled away or shuffled away and possibly even staggered away, but I am pretty sure there was no running involved).  He ended up being found by the police LAYING ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD (a very public road, I might add).  He was put up in a hotel for a night but was so intoxicated the following morning that he could not check out or pay, so the police had to be called (again).  He was soooooo far down... his bottom is soooo much lower than I could have anticipated in my worst nightmares.  Now that I could actually picture my prayers for his death being answered, not only was I really, pretty sure I didn't want him to die, I also GOT (in my deepest, most dense and stubborn part of my brain and heart), that I didn't get a say, one way or the other.  For - I think - the first time in my life, I truly, deeply understood that I am not in control (of anything other than myself)!

It has been a dark - but necessary - couple of months.

I am coming out of it.

Mr. M has a little over 30 days sober.  We may not have him tomorrow, but we are enjoying him today.

I may not stay married to him tomorrow... but today, I believe I will.

I still fantasize about meeting and marrying someone else and starting fresh and new... but don't give it as much power or weight any more.

I have unclenched my fist today and I FEEL a little less angry, scared, and brittle.

I look at myself in the mirror every day and tell myself I love myself.

"I love you, me" I say sincerely, looking deeply into my eyes "I really love you."  

(I don't think I totally believe me yet, but I am working on it.)

I also have 3 things I am praying for and SEEING happening to me:

I am SEEING myself thin and fit and healthy (not to get a man to love me, but so I feel healthy and good about myself).

I am SEEING myself earning $160k a year (not THAT much further to go... well, OK, it's a ways, but seems do-able!) and being financially free and able to tithe cheerfully and give generously - whether Mr. M is in the picture or not.

And SEEING my marriage miraculously restored.  (I am going to believe God for it... and both God and Mr. M are going to do what they are going to do).

I am also choosing to be GRATEFUL for Mr. M's alcoholism and this whole journey.  I am a grateful Believer who BELIEVES God is who He says He is and can do what He says He can do.

My New Life

I am fantasizing about my new life in a small, 3 bedroom condo in north Laguna Beach, CA with a sparkling ocean view.  The kids (and one day grandkids, hopefully not too soon... I'm not yet 40!) can come to stay.  I want to see the ocean all day long.  

I  can picture this without Mr. M.  I can completely imagine my life without him, when I live somewhere else.  When I am still in this home, with the kids and everything is here except him, it is painful.  I was just looking at real estate online and it was nice (free-ing?) to picture starting fresh without him.  

But then I am in the grocery store looking for new deodorant for myself (that actually works and doesn't make me smell like a skunk - more on this later) when I see some "prescription strength" antiperspirant and I think "Oh, I should buy that for Mr. M" then I remember that he is not here and may not be here again for a year or longer or... ever.  And I get a pain in my heart... truly  BROKEN HEART feeling.  

And I don't WANT to do life without him. But there is no room in my vision of the future for him  either.  For his relapses, for trying to believe in him, for trying to trust?  How do I make room for him and his CRAP in my future?  I don't want to.  I don't want to be in an alcoholic marriage any more (not even with a sober alcoholic.)

But I DO want to share my life with someone.  I am only 38.  I don't plan to live the next 50 years of my life alone.  I walked around the lake today and saw so many couples and so many men.  I have stopped looking at men... I almost believe there ARE no other men.  I keep my blinders on and only look at Mr. M but then I take the blinder off, for just a few minutes and there are men every where!  Wouldn't ONE of them want to love me?  Wouldn't one of them stay with me and not get drunk?

I don't have any wisdom to offer quite yet.  I think I will get there, but right now I am just whining and GRIEVING.  I think the wisdom will be more TRUE when the human-ness also shows through.  I am a BROKEN vessel.  I hope (ultimately) God's light will shine through my cracks, but for now, I feel pretty broken and sad.

Anyhow, my daughter Girlie, is already preparing herself for my next husband.  She said she will not talk to him when she comes to visit (she is picturing this when she is grown and moved out) and she was saying that I would be "grandma" and her dad would be "grandpa" and my new husband will be "crap face"!  Um... we still have some work to do.