I am fantasizing about my new life in a small, 3 bedroom condo in north Laguna Beach, CA with a sparkling ocean view. The kids (and one day grandkids, hopefully not too soon... I'm not yet 40!) can come to stay. I want to see the ocean all day long. I can picture this without Mr. M. I can completely imagine my life without him, when I live somewhere else. When I am still in this home, with the kids and everything is here except him, it is painful. I was just looking at real estate online and it was nice (free-ing?) to picture starting fresh without him.
But then I am in the grocery store looking for new deodorant for myself (that actually works and doesn't make me smell like a skunk - more on this later) when I see some "prescription strength" antiperspirant and I think "Oh, I should buy that for Mr. M" then I remember that he is not here and may not be here again for a year or longer or... ever. And I get a pain in my heart... truly BROKEN HEART feeling.
And I don't WANT to do life without him. But there is no room in my vision of the future for him either. For his relapses, for trying to believe in him, for trying to trust? How do I make room for him and his CRAP in my future? I don't want to. I don't want to be in an alcoholic marriage any more (not even with a sober alcoholic.)
But I DO want to share my life with someone. I am only 38. I don't plan to live the next 50 years of my life alone. I walked around the lake today and saw so many couples and so many men. I have stopped looking at men... I almost believe there ARE no other men. I keep my blinders on and only look at Mr. M but then I take the blinder off, for just a few minutes and there are men every where! Wouldn't ONE of them want to love me? Wouldn't one of them stay with me and not get drunk?
I don't have any wisdom to offer quite yet. I think I will get there, but right now I am just whining and GRIEVING. I think the wisdom will be more TRUE when the human-ness also shows through. I am a BROKEN vessel. I hope (ultimately) God's light will shine through my cracks, but for now, I feel pretty broken and sad.
Anyhow, my daughter Girlie, is already preparing herself for my next husband. She said she will not talk to him when she comes to visit (she is picturing this when she is grown and moved out) and she was saying that I would be "grandma" and her dad would be "grandpa" and my new husband will be "crap face"! Um... we still have some work to do.
