Worst of Both Worlds

I kind of have the worst of both worlds:

I am married but am all alone; I parent alone, I support the family alone, I sleep alone.

I am single, but can't date because I am married (see above).

I would prefer to be truly married or truly single.

Which shall it be Mr. M ?  

And why am I asking him????

Why do I let me whole future hinge on what HE says and HE decides?  Why can't I ask myself that question?  And answer myself and make a decision myself?  This is why I feel so paralyzed and like a victim.  Yet, I feel I am partially responsible for that.