Season of Grief

I've been feeling down lately.
I am sure it is largely in part to what I have been dealing with in therapy and all the feelings around that, but there is just a LOT of pain coming up.
Bub is graduating and preparing to go across the country to college and this is sad and painful for me (even though it is wonderful and exciting - I am just going to miss him AND it is the grieving for the end of a season).
Hacker recently told me that he & wifey are looking at moving to the South for him to work on a Masters.
Drummer is engaged and will be married in December and move out.  He is a DELIGHT, but a tad hard to have at home, so this is AWESOME, but it is still a transition and i love him and love having him here and will miss him too.
Girlie has been struggling with anxiety and depression.  She wants to homeschool (heaven help us!).  She says she doesn't want to get married or have kids.  She doesn't want to go to college or pursue her dreams because she knows she won't achieve them.  It is SO sad and I don't know how to help her.

Mr M and I have not been doing super well.  We just have SO much baggage and pain and hurt and our past together is so big - and the knowledge that the future could very well hold more of the same is so ever-present - I don't know if we can recover and not keep punishing each other.
I am not proud of my behavior, but the other day, in our fight, I literally got down on my knees and clasped my hands in front of me and BEGGED that we consider calling it quits.
I feel paralyzed and trapped.  "Can't live with him/can't live without him."  We are not happy and we are hurting each other.  Yet there are benefits to staying together: finances, having a partner in some activities, having someone who knows how to fix stuff and is sometimes available to share the work & kid load, having someone to hug, having a person to have sex with, having someone who will drive you to the hospital at 3AM, having someone to zip that pesky zipper or (gross!) pop a back zit (not that i EVER have those - haha!).  I don't WANT to be single.  I only ever wanted to be married.  If we divorce, there is no guarantee anyone will ever love me again... I have to be ok being alone.  I would have to share the kids on holidays.  I don't want the KIDS to have to go through that either for holidays or at their graduations and weddings and baby births.  And don't even get me started if Mr M finds a new wife to hold and love and do life with while I am alone.  GAWD, I would DIE!

I get down on myself and ask "Am I just having an extended pity party?"... but I am trying to be kind to me... I am grieving - on so many levels.  I am just plain old sad.  And after 24 years (yes, we just had our 24th anniversary last month) of love and loss and ups and downs, I am tried and broken-hearted and paralyzed - not wanting to end it but not wanting to go on like this for ANOTHER 24 years...

Midnight Fight

I am feeling sad these days. Kind of just a dark cloud sitting on my heart. I find myself missing Mr. M when he is at work or when it is not one of his 'sleepover' nights (yet scared and dreading him moving back in when he has his 1 year sobriety birthday in a little more than a month ~ yikes!).

I call him and sound all sappy... and he has a bit of trouble with this because he takes it personally. I must be sad because he is such a terrible person and if he hadn't been a drunk and ruined my life, I wouldn't be sad. So it is hard. Do I not call him at all because he can't handle it? Do I call him and slap a fake happy face on? Do I call and still just be sad and bring him down? Tough call.

More later... I had to publish post and go do a few pressing things (you know, the tyranny of the urgent)... I will log on soon and finish.
xo

I'm back and changing gears.

Mr. M spent the night last night as he does each week.
We got in a big fight at 5:30AM this morning.
We have been doing so well... we have not been fighting much. We have been getting along. (Although new teen Girlie would disagree. She says "All you and Dad do is fight." I said "Really? I feel like we have not been fighting that well and doing really well." She said "Nope. All you do is fight." So I tried to just HEAR her - I am in therapy, after all - "So you feel like all we do is fight?" To which she replied "No. I don't FEEL like all you do is fight... I KNOW all you do is fight.")

This morning one of the kids woke up early panicking that a history book was in Dad's car when they have homework to do. From my bed, in the dark, I lifted my head and groggily parented: "If you had done your homework after school yesterday instead of watching TV, you would have known that and we could have done something about that."

The weeping commenced "I NEED to get it done!!!"

Parenting from the bed in the dark continued "I know... that's frustrating."

You know the drill.

At this point Mr. M was awakened (GASP, NO!... the horror!)... he was surly and grumpy that his slumber was disturbed.

I was not apologetic.

If anything, I was a little mad.

After all, MY sleep was disturbed too. But sometimes that's what being a parent looks like. It is disturbing and uncomfortable. Kids have needs at all hours of the day and night. Sometimes they have bad dreams at 3AM and want to climb into your bed and then proceed to roll and kick and flail in your bed all night long and you wake feeling like you have been on the losing end of a prize fight and someone has poured sand in your eye sockets. Sometimes they barf all over their beds and themselves at 1AM and you need to get up and give them a bath and change their sheets. Sometimes they get chicken pox and can't sleep at all because they are so itchy and you have to stay up all night long watching Disney movie after Disney movie on the sofa for 12 straight hours. Sometimes they spend the night at a friend's house and are scared in the middle of the night and you have to drive over and get them.

I thought of 21 years of parenting in the middle of the night and how rarely he had been there for so much of it. How much I did all by myself. How alone I was. And then the NERVE of him complaining because his sleep was a little disturbed by me parenting our child at 5AM!

So it escalated and in his angry, self-righteous storming around, he accidentally knocked over a lamp in trying to turn it on and accidentally smooshed our 10 lb. dog who was under the covers in bed (heehee). The dog yelped/cried and this infuriated him. WHY IS THE DOG IN OUR BED???!? WHY IS THE DOG SUCH A BABY?! He grabbed the dog out of the bed and dropped her on the floor. He is yelling at this point and stomping around and dropping F-bombs left and right. I tell him to leave and he says "gladly" and leaves.

Now, this is a tough situation because no argument in an alcoholic marriage is just about that argument. As you just read, even the smallest, most insignificant argument has a lifetime of history in it.

Was I in the wrong? - Should I not have asked him to leave? If he lived here full-time, I couldn't have asked him to leave. (Can you see why I am nervous to have him move back in?) Am I in the wrong for asking him to leave in the first place? I was mad... that's OK. Feelings are feelings. But was I wrong for allowing all those hurt feelings from 20 years of marriage to enter into the argument?

Was he? - What is his part? Obviously, he over-reacted. But, in fairness, he was dead asleep and got abruptly woken up to arguing and crying and lights coming on. But he was ONLY concerned with HIS sleep and HIS precious rest. Did I even enter in? Have I ever????

Input welcome.

Plus, I owe a Therapy update soon.