I was out of town for a few days and while I was gone I checked in several times a day with Mr.M. I think I was pretending that everything was normal and OK. That I was out of town and he was just at home and things were just like they have always been.
He is self-absorbed and irritable and pitiful and seems hardly aware that I might be having some experiences while I am traveling that I might like to share... he talks incessantly about himself, repeating the same story over & over. It is actually quite concerning.
Yet still I want to pretend like everything is OK.
But when I got home, anxiety descended immediately.
He smells like alcohol.
But - I am telling myself - he is functioning. He is working and coherent... he can't DO that when he is drinking. He can't drink in moderation. He gets fall-down dead drunk right out the gate.
So what am I smelling?
And what about my mantra to "believe myself"?
He is staying with Hacker & Mrs. Hacker and is supposed to be looking for a place to live, but isn't.
I want to CONTROL my environment and CONTROL him and CONTROL the situation and say he isn't ALLOWED to live there... and they will all "obey" me... but is that what I want?
While out of town, I prayed for his death... not out of anger or hate or spite... I am tired and he is miserable and killing himself slowly every day.
I thought of him dying and I felt relieved.
I prayed he would be miraculously cured of this disease or die.
I prayed that it wouldn't be a death from drunk driving or from suicide or from drinking directly (right now).
A car accident would be OK or cancer - sudden & quick, or
alcohol related illness death,
but after-the-fact, not drinking again and dying from it, if that makes sense.
What I am getting at is that I would love him to die sober not drunk, so the kids don't have to live with that.
I want to move on and be free from the agony of worry.
But I can't do it while he is alive.
I don't want to divorce him.
I don't want to give up on him.
I don't want the kids to see me give up on him.
I don't believe in divorce (if it is possible to avoid it).
I believed my vows "in sickness and in health, in richer, in poorer"... I don't want to break them.
I am not proud of this.
I am sad and sick.
But this is where I am, confessionally.
Boy, I can relate to everything in this post. Thanks for putting it in words.
ReplyDeleteThis is such an honest post. Thank you for sharing your feelings. For so long, I too paryfer for my ex husband to die. The pain of seeing him become what he had come to be was hoorific. Death would be a reprieve, for me at least.
ReplyDeleteThat was 3 years ago. Today, it seems he is sober. He is giving, present and somewhat involved. Miracles happen. Dont quit before YOURS happens...and it will.
xoxo
I thought I was crazy hoping my husband would die so I could move on. It's nice to know that it isn't a thought that's totally out there. My husband is a mostly functioning alcoholic, but NASTY when drunk, which is often. I've also prayed for him to get in trouble with the law many a time. Thank you for speaking the truth.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE the community that online can create for people to not feel alone no matter WHAT we are thinking or feeling! Thanks girls!
ReplyDeleteMy husband has had long periods of sobriety... 6 years and most recently for 3.5 years. But when he falls of the wagon, he falls of hard. he is non-functional. No working. Only drinking, vomiting, peeing his pants and more drinking.
Now he is in a cycle of drinking then stopping for a week or two then relapsing... in the past, this relapse, in & out cycle has lasted 2-3 YEARS. I don't know if I have it in me to go through this again. I have ALWAYS been the 'good christian wife' but it is getting too exhausting...
I did not invite him to Thanksgiving with the family for the first time ever. The kids are upset and maybe even scared. Mr. M is promising me this will make next year - when he is clean and sober - all the more blissful.
*sigh*
I don't want to be married to my alcoholic. He has been too verbally, emotionally, and some times physically abusive. I just can't do it any more 7 years of bad luck. I find myself not loving him when I look at him. Someone once told me that if "your friends and family and not into your husband much, you shouldn't be either". Touch choice. Am leaving have had enough. Best wishes to all women that want to live that way but I am choosing to walk away with my dignity and my sanity...
ReplyDelete