Is the status quo really just waiting for them to drink and for your whole life to go down the toilet? And since nothing is ever reliable and you can't count on it, I guess THAT is the status quo.
That said, things are just the same right now.
It is a waiting game.
Waiting for Mr. M to relapse.
Again, I am not trying to be negative, I am just expecting the pattern to follow what the pattern has always been... which is why it is a "pattern".
And yet... and yet there HAS been a "last time".
Back in March 2008 he got sober for 3 1/2 years.
Before that, I don't know, maybe in 1997, he got sober for 6 1/2 years (or something).
So there have been the "sick and tire of being sick and tired" times.
Maybe this will be it.
And maybe it won't.
I soooooooooooooooooooooo want it to be (achingly, desperately, heartbreakingly) and yet this has NEVER been the pattern.
So he goes to daily AA meetings, he does his AA readings, he goes to counseling, he checks in with AA buddies and his sponsor, he works his steps... and I wait... wait for the other shoe to drop. And if it does I will still be surprised and shocked and devastated. And he is annoyed that I would even have a CONCERN that he could drink again... how could I not just KNOW that he is done?! *sigh* I feel so unseen and unheard... I feel like I am a 1-dimensional caricature to him. I would love to be a full blooded 3-D person to him one day.
I know how you feel. I hope it sticks this time. My husband is back to daily drinking. I know what you mean by 1-D caricature.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry, Elizabeth.
ReplyDeleteIt is exhausting, isn't it?
My BODY feels so tired... there is only so long you can run on adrenaline and stress.