Mr. M is at an AA retreat.
This is good news, I guess.
But I am having trouble "celebrating".
I just feel SAD.
I am 41 years old (soon to be 42).
My kids are all getting older. One is married, one is soon to be engaged, 1 will be off to college in the fall and Girlie just turned 16 and will be driving soon.
I should be enjoying these years with my husband (we have EARNED them!).
But instead, he is sleeping on people's sofas like a delinquent.
But if it is true that "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior", this is not going to end now... he has MANY more relapsed in him. (He typically gets a month or 2 under his belt then relapsed for a couple of HORRIFIC weeks - no working at all, incoherent , no bathing, no eating, pain, vomiting - before getting sober again for 1-2 months before doing it all again.) He said he absolutely cannot envision this... he cannot EVER picture himself wanting to go through this again. But here's the thing, see: he never can. And he never should. He ALWAYS ends up this bad and yet he always ends up eventually drinking again.
So although, YES, it IS hopeful and great that he is at an AA retreat this weekend, I am not betting on this horse.
But even if he DID begin long-term sobriety right now, it will be quite a long time until we know it and it is believable. In the meantime, I am ALONE (the resonant theme of my grief right now). I feel alone. I am alone. He has left me and I am by myself. I don't want to do this without him. But I may have to. And regardless of what the longterm holds, right now, I AM doing it alone.
These Phil Wickham lyrics ("Grace") feel comforting to me right now because since my husband has left me alone, I deeply need to rely on my HP (Higher Power) for grace & peace & comfort:
"Cause I need eyes to be my guide
I need a voice that's louder than mineI need hope and I need You
Cause I can't do this alone"
I'm sorry you are feeling so alone. I'm sure you are frustrated that he is not present right now, but from reading your previous posts, there's no way he's not coming back. He calls you and checks in a lot. He seems very attached to you and the kids. He might be following suggestions from the sponsor to get it together before coming back.
ReplyDeleteI can understand the frustration with all of the stopping and starting. My husband is just starting to even dabble in stopping. He's in the bargaining stage. He thinks he is doing "controlled drinking." It is NOT going well at all. A real mess.
Hang in there. You are doing everything right!
This just made me cry! Real life here
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