I was out of town for a few days and while I was gone I checked in several times a day with Mr.M. I think I was pretending that everything was normal and OK. That I was out of town and he was just at home and things were just like they have always been.
He is self-absorbed and irritable and pitiful and seems hardly aware that I might be having some experiences while I am traveling that I might like to share... he talks incessantly about himself, repeating the same story over & over. It is actually quite concerning.
Yet still I want to pretend like everything is OK.
But when I got home, anxiety descended immediately.
He smells like alcohol.
But - I am telling myself - he is functioning. He is working and coherent... he can't DO that when he is drinking. He can't drink in moderation. He gets fall-down dead drunk right out the gate.
So what am I smelling?
And what about my mantra to "believe myself"?
He is staying with Hacker & Mrs. Hacker and is supposed to be looking for a place to live, but isn't.
I want to CONTROL my environment and CONTROL him and CONTROL the situation and say he isn't ALLOWED to live there... and they will all "obey" me... but is that what I want?
While out of town, I prayed for his death... not out of anger or hate or spite... I am tired and he is miserable and killing himself slowly every day.
I thought of him dying and I felt relieved.
I prayed he would be miraculously cured of this disease or die.
I prayed that it wouldn't be a death from drunk driving or from suicide or from drinking directly (right now).
A car accident would be OK or cancer - sudden & quick, or
alcohol related illness death,
but after-the-fact, not drinking again and dying from it, if that makes sense.
What I am getting at is that I would love him to die sober not drunk, so the kids don't have to live with that.
I want to move on and be free from the agony of worry.
But I can't do it while he is alive.
I don't want to divorce him.
I don't want to give up on him.
I don't want the kids to see me give up on him.
I don't believe in divorce (if it is possible to avoid it).
I believed my vows "in sickness and in health, in richer, in poorer"... I don't want to break them.
I am not proud of this.
I am sad and sick.
But this is where I am, confessionally.
