Letter to My Therapist

So, in therapy, I am touching on some deep issues that to anyone else would seem small, but to me, emotionally feel huge.

*sigh* 

It feels so hard sometimes, slogging through all of this emotional baggage...

I get tired.

This makes me feel emotionally naked.

This is the email I sent to my therapist about it.  I DID send it.

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Dr,

I was sitting here thinking that next session I should address something I have been pushing away, but then when I started to picture it, I don't feel like I can do it.

But it is there and it is not going anywhere.  

So I feel stuck.

Which is why I am emailing... to get it out there and to be "accountable" that it exists and is hanging there even though I don't feel ready to go there.

This causes me embarrassment because I have to come in next week and you will have received this and now THAT will be hanging there and we will have to address it!  

Yet, if I avoid it, I am doing myself a disservice, so I feel caught between a rock and a hard place.  I don't want to address it at all and I seemingly can't avoid it either.

But - like you have alway said - the stuff I deal with in 'real life' will come up with you (ugh... I was going to say "in therapy" - haha!).  And this is EXACTLY what I do in my relationships, so I need to push through my discomfort in the only way I feel I can right now, and apparently that is writing.

After Mr. M's surgery I emailed you (below) about the feelings that were coming up when you asked me "Are you asking me for something?".

Then I had a conversation with my therapist friend about WHAT I was asking for and THAT brought up feelings (that I didn't not allow myself to express).

Even typing this, I am kind of getting teary.

It is a BIG deal and yet I want to get AWAY from it.

And I can feel myself wanting to create distance from you and to just "chit chat".

I feel stuck.

I don't know if I can do justice with my explanation, but if I don't "go there" with this, I feel like it is an anchor holding me back from going ANYWHERE else deep... like I have halted everything.  It is just a huge "elephant" in my emotional living room.  Am I just going to stay superficial and "chat" with you for 3 more years?!?

But I don't want to 'go there' either...

I don't want to talk to you about it, but I can't not.

So I don't know what to do.  I am in a quandary.

I feel so awkward I want to delete this.

I am embarrassed I have to email and can't just bring it up in person ("be a grown up").

I feel terribly uncomfortable about coming in next week and walking in and you have read it... I can PICTURE it and it makes me nauseated...  and now that I have typed this whole thing, all I want to do is delete it!!!!!!  (At this moment, I am pretty sure I will.)

But then I am mean to myself and think "Don't be a baby, what's the big deal?  Just talk to him in person about it."  (Shaming myself because when I read over what I have written, it doesn't seem like a big deal... but emotionally, it IS... and the above "baby" message is a defense mechanism, because if I don't write this - out of shame - I KNOW I will not be able to address it in person and I can just bury it and "stay safe".)

So there...

It is out there and I am just going to have to be uncomfortable.

Awkward closure (because I feel JUST like I do leaving therapy; exposed),

Tearless

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Previous email I mentioned above)

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Dr.,

I was journaling about our last visit and had an interesting response.  I wanted to email you because I didn't want to 'forget' to bring it up after a whole week had gone by.

*******************************

"I have NO IDEA what THIS tapped into, but as I was getting ready to leave, I said "OK, well... the surgery is tomorrow at 1:00."

And Dr. said "Are you asking me for something?" (Or something like that.)

I was taken aback, flustered.

"Um... No... I just... um... yeah... I guess if you think of me, pray for me."

I don't even know what I meant.

I don't think I wanted prayer either exactly.

I DO know that when I started to type this I started getting teary.

And I know I felt (and feel while typing) embarrassed or ashamed (or both).

I am not - I was trained, growing up - supposed to inconvenience anyone or ask for things people can't deliver on.

I don't even KNOW what it was I wanted or hoped for... I didn't let myself get that far... I shut down instantly with shame and kinda started crying.

I asked for prayer - and that was better than nothing... but it wasn't what made me ashamed... I wanted something or needed something that -

^^

Wow! Whatever I was writing there REALLY touched something in me and I had to stop typing to cry for a couple minutes.

THAT'S gonna be something to explore in therapy next week!!!!!!

It really touched a nerve."

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So yeah... just writing that totally triggered something and I had to stop writing to cry a while.

Reading it NOW it doesn't touch the same raw nerve, but reading it and remembering stopping and crying makes me a little teary.

So now it's out there and I CAN'T bury it even if I want to  :/

See you Tuesday.

Tearless