Therapy Day 10.21.08

Dr. has been seeing me for just $25 a session (a DEEP discount from his usual $150). I am grateful for this. I needed it when I first started seeing him! Now, things have gotten less scary financially... I have some cushion (for today)... I can afford to pay more. Therapy is valuable for me. I have just started paying $65 an hour to have hair electrocuted off my chin so I don't become a bearded lady!

If I can pay $65 to have needles stuck individually into each hair follicle and have electrical current shot into them to kill hair for my vanity, then surely, I can come up with $65 to pay for an hour with Dr. for my mental health! I am going to cut down on my electrocution appointments and start paying Dr. $65.

I feel good about paying more... and although I don't know that I could EVER justify $150 an hour in my budget, I don't want Dr. to think that I don't think he is worth that much. I told him I felt guilty because of this. He told me he didn't need me to validate him because he knows what he's worth.

This gave me pause.

I don't know if my feelings were hurt because he didn't need that from me (and what good am I if someone doesn't need that from me?).

Or was I sad because I do not know my worth and that was such a stark contrast?

Things to think about.

My Money Pile

I had a picture appear to me yesterday.

When is comes to money, I am so fearful and so grasping.  I can never have enough.  It makes me feel safe and OK and protected.  So I had this picture of me sitting with money piled all around me.  I am in the middle and I have piled walls of money all around me.  There are little holes and gaps that i want to stuff full of more money.  I can still see out and you can still see in, so more money (piled higher) would be better.  My walls are only 2 feet thick... they need to be 4... no, 6... no, 10!!!  Never enough.

I am OK with you having money as long as it doesn't take away from MY pile of love, safety and security.  Which is why Mr. M and I have a problem when we talk about our separation or the possibility of divorce.  I want him to walk away and leave me with EVERYTHING.  

He feels this is a judgement about him and his lack of value or worth.  I TRY to explain to him that it really isn't about him... it's about me.  I am actually not thinking about him at all.  I am only trying to protect me (and my kids).  If I see him building up a teeny, tiny little pile for himself, I feel that he loves himself more than he loves me.  If he wants to take some of my pile to build a new life and pile for himself I panic... why does he want to take from me???  Didn't he love me enough to want to leave me safe and cared for and protected?  Does he want to ADD to my pile or TAKE?  How could he leave me (after 20+ years in an alcoholic marriage) and the kids AND take from my pile of safety and security and protection???

Good thing I am in therapy.