In his place was a long, body-shaped lump of pillows. It literally looked like when kids stuff their beds so their parents don't know they have snuck out. Mr. M had vacated to the couch some time in the evening - or maybe never even came to bed at all?
He says he got up in the middle of the night for a snack (I never remember him coming to bed in the first place - doesn't mean it didn't happen).
He laid down for a few and felt so comfortable he fell asleep and stayed there.
I want to paint a balanced picture, so I will say that, recovering from his rotator cuff surgery is brutal stuff. He is still uncomfortable a LOT of the time. Finding comfortable sleep is elusive.
Also, about 18 months ago, he has gnarly spine surgery... he was good for about 6 months and then has gotten in more and more pain. Currently, his back hurts and his leg is going numb.
The pillows in the bed - which are like a third person in the bed! - support his arma and leg and are an ATTEMPT to keep him more comfortable.
MY angst in this though is will our lives ever be "normal"? (Whatever "normal" is.)
I wake up and my husband is not in bed - is that normal?
I go to bed around 11:30PM. Mr. M comes to bed anywhere from 1:30AM to 3:00AM, if at all.
I usually get up from 7:00-8:15AM. Mr. M wakes up at 10AM - 11AM every day (he schedules his work so he can do this). - In his defense, he is a SUPER hard worker when he is sober... he works his butt off then comes home and cleans and does repairs and yard work etc. I am MUCH "lazier" than he is.
It is anxiety producing that he doesn't have a schedule and that it is so opposite mine and that I will wake up and he is not in bed - is he drinking? Doing cocaine? Or is he just legitimately in pain and looking for some confort?
Maybe a large percentage of the time it is something benign... but just often enough, it is life shattering, so I have lower and lower tolerance for this "crazy".
I am having a tough time even in the little things. I am not loving living with Mr. M. And I am sure he is not loving living with me.
We are crazy even in the little things...
I think each family has their own version of their normal. We all sleep all over. When my college daughter comes home for a visit, my husband willingly sleeps in the guest room so she and I can have a sleep over in our room. My husband had a gnarly spine surgery too, but 20 years ago. He lives with chronic pain and I will often wake up and find him gone....on the floor, on the couch, in the guest room. In our perfect picture of life, yes, we would go to bed and all stay put, and wake up withe covers barely mussed. In reality, everyone has the right to move around, to sleep where they want, and go to bed when they want and get up when they want. Our job is to take care of our self and let others do the same. However they see fit. Thats how we do it around here at least. :o)
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the perspective, Annette. It helps.
ReplyDeleteI think for too many years (off and on) him being gone from the bed in the middle of the night meant he was up to something fishy. It still could mean that next week, next month, or next year... so it is scary and hard to decide where to land. Kinda like "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"... so I feel like I live "on guard". Which doesn't help prevent anything and robs the present of a lot of the joy.
He's in charge of his choices. Keep your own side of the street clean and let him do the same. Living life when I can, in that manner, has given me my joy back. Our addicts behavior is between he/she and their HP.
ReplyDeleteI grew up in a house where my mother and father slept in the same bed every night. All the kids slept in their own beds. That was my normal. In my house here, my husband sleeps on the couch because my little one sleeps in our bed because he has a sleeping disorder so he can't sleep with the other brothers. I sleep in my bed sometimes. It is total chaos. And then on top of that, I question everyone's motives including my own of where we all choose to sleep...
ReplyDeleteNo normal over here!
XO
My wife is an early riser and I am a night owl. She is often up before 6 AM and I sleep in until 8 sometimes. We have always slept together unless she was drinking and then I would sometimes go to the couch. Maybe he is really in pain and did not want to disturb you.
ReplyDeleteE & Syd,
ReplyDeleteI read these and appreciated them back in July... thanks!!!! (I read them on my phone and wasn't in a position to reply, but I DID appreciate the insight and another perspective.)
The more nervous I am about Mr. M, the more I try to control things that I have no business controlling. I just get worried that they are SIGNS of impending doom. (My attempt to control my environment and protect myself from being abandoned.) When i am feeling better about his sobriety etc., I relax and those things don't seem to matter as much any more. So they definitely show you much more about MY state of mind than about his :/
xo