Who am I? (Therapy Day 9.23.08)

I have always been an "otter" ("sanguine", in the whole personality type world - if you believe in that). My "otterness" (if you will) is an immutable fact. It is one of the things I KNOW in my life. A playful, fun-loving, very social creature, I love people. I enjoy

being popular and influencing and motivating others. I am hurt when people do not like me. I like to surround myself with

friends, but not necessarily deep relationships. I love to goof-off. Otters are notorious for messy rooms. (HELLO?!?) I like to hurry and finish jobs (and these jobs are often not done well). I am like Tigger in Winnie The Pooh.


My Strengths?: People person, open, positive


Weaknesses?: Talk too much, too permissive


Limitation: Remembering past commitments, follow through with discipline!

I have always known I have "lion" (choleric) undertones - secondary characteristics that raise their heads in certain circumstances.

Lions like to lead. The lion is good at making decisions and is very goal-oriented. They enjoy challenges, difficult assignments, and opportunity for advancement. Because lions are thinking of the goal, they can step on people to reach it. Lions can be very aggressive and competitive. Lions must learn not to be too bossy or to take charge in other's affairs.


Strength: Goal-oriented, strong, direct


Weakness: Argumentative, too dictatorial


Limitation: Doesn't understand that directness can hurt others, hard time expressing grace

I LOVE Golden Retrievers (phlegmatic) and always wanted to be one... but no one (including myself) has ever believed I was one.

Good at making friends. Very loyal. Retriever personalities do not like big changes. They look for security. Can be very sensitive. Very caring. Has deep relationships, but usually only a couple of close friends. Wants to be loved by everyone. Looks for appreciation. Works best in a limited situation with a steady work pattern.
Strength: Accommodating, calm, affirming


Weakness: Indecisive, indifferent, unable to express emotions, too soft on other people


Limitation: Seeing the need to be more assertive, holding others accountable

While I appreciate Beavers (melancholy), many of their awesome strengths and character traits and their weaknesses and limitations make me itch.

Organized. Beavers think that there is a right way to do everything and they want to do it exact that way. Beaver personalities desire to solve everything. Desire to take their time and do it right. Beavers do not like sudden changes. They need reassurance.


Strength: High standards, order, respect


Weakness: Unrealistic expectations of self & others, too perfect.
Limitation: Seeing the optimistic side of things, expressing flexibility

(More details about these animal personalities, based on Gary Smalley's writings, can be found on this website.)

Anyhow, I just went in with Mr. M (my alcoholic husband) and had a session with HIS therapist. His therapist is into these personality types. So we briefly discussed them. He was 'educating' me about them. It took a lot of self control to not try to jump in a prove that I am knowledgeable about this topic (I am forever wanting to be seen as educated and knowledgeable... It is easy for me to come off as a bit of a know-it-all... in fact, it is HUGE growth for me to admit I don't know stuff!). I did not tell him that I have spoken to audiences of thousands about this topic. I have led workshops on this topic. I am kind of a bit of an EXPERT on this topic.

Anyhow, I told him I was familiar. I told him I was an otter. He said HE is an otter. But at the end of the session, he told me he didn't think I was an otter. He thought I was GOLDEN RETRIEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This rocked my world!

Really!

Regardless of whether these personality traits are 'real' or not, they do have SOME usefulness and in this arbitrary categorization of human personalities, I have always been seen as an otter. that said, am I an otter?

Have I changed?

People used to always KNOW and SAY I was an otter.

Now, this trained therapist who believes in and values these personality labels and types is saying I am a Golden Retriever!

Did I just act like an otter because it worked? It served the purpose of making people like me and want to be my friend?

Was I never really an otter to begin with?

Am I really a Golden Retriever?

Or am I truly an otter and am becoming more of a 'golden retriever' because I am so hurt and broken?

What about the Lion part? Typically, Lion & otter can be compatible, but Golden retriever and Lion are not.

So, if I am truly a Golden retriever, I cannot be part Lion too (and I feel like there is a lot of lion in me, but I have had to tone this down to be more socially acceptable).

None of this really MEANS anything, it is just more of an interesting observation on how I have changed and how perceptions of me have changed.

I guess that means growth and change.

And this is a good thing.

Right?

Where've You Been?

I think about blogging often.  

I often think about blogging. 

And yet, something stops me.  

It feels a bit like an obligations sometimes.

Other times it feels like an indulgence I don't deserve.

Other times I have compared myself with all the other amazingly talented bloggers out there.

I want to be happy & blissful & creative & say fun, witty things that inspire people to want to be better "thems".  

I want to be insightful, whimsical, delicious, and brilliant.  

Or at least incredibly deep and melancholy and artistic... a dark genius.  

I am terribly afraid that I am none of the above.  

I am terribly afraid that I am untalented and sappy and boring.  

BORING.  

I used to have such high hopes for myself but I have lost my aspirations... I have lost my self. 

I don't just have LOW self-esteem, I have NO self esteem.  

I have a heavy heart and heavy hips, a heavy belly and and a big, heavy ass.  

Me #1

I ADORE stationary... I am afraid to use it because then it will be gone and I won't have any more. 

So really, I am a collector of stationary... 

I just hoard it.  

I am a stationary hoarder.

Menstruation, Melancholy & Oprah

Today is a "wanting a divorce" day, but a better one.  I did not take any medication (neurontin or anything else) for depression.   My "monthly" started and  I feel less depressed and heart-broken.  Still sad and grief-stricken, but more functional... more able to do what needs to  be done without feeling like I am on the verge of falling apart.  This makes me deeply question how much of my sadness, anger, depression, fear, hurt, overwhelmedness, crabbiness, melancholy, excitement, passion, lack of passion, creativity, energy level etc. ad infinitum are more related to hormones than anything else.  I feel at the mercy of my monthly cycle.  My poor kids!  No wonder they don't know which way is up.

I am embarrassed to admit that I record Oprah every day.  I end up deleting 90% of them, but I am so afraid I will miss that life-changing episode that the entire planet is talking about that my whole DVR list is filled with Oprah and Intervention on A&E (am I a glutton for punishment, or what?  I live it AND watch it on TV!).

  Anyhow, I watched one show on adult children of divorce confronting their parents who divorced when they were kids.  In most cases, the Dads had left the moms.  The Moms had been the ones left with the kids.  The adult kids (sobbing and devastated) seemed to have the most pent up anger at their Moms.  They had faced and grieved their Dad's abandonment... but what seemed to kill them the MOST was how unavailable their MOMS were to them after Dad left. 

Moms were hurt, bitter, abandoned, alone, and scared, so they shut down on their kids and were crabby and disconnected (many times working one or more f/t jobs).  The Moms had good reasons/excuses (I was exhausted, your dad left me, I didn't know how we would make ends meet, etc.), but that was not the point.  The point was that the kids seemed to have so much more anger and bitterness with the parent that stayed and held the whole family together.  The abandoning affair-haver or alcoholic or abandoner was just excused - because that's all anyone expected of them.  But the stay-er the holder-together-er... they were the ones the kids seemed to have the most resentment toward.

Now I am smart enough to understand that it is SAFER for the kids to blame to parent who stayed... that parent is the one who will not abandon them when they are crappy and nasty.  But it is also that they stopped expecting anything from the abandoner and expected EVERYTHING from the stay-er.  So when the stay-er fell short and didn't meet 100% of needs, the kids felt abandoned x10 because they needed present parent to be their everything.

This was not necessarily an encouraging show for me (the stay-er), but it was a little enlightening.  And it DID remind me to not sell my soul to make my kids happy because they will probably NEED to blame me when they are grown.  And it also reminded me to just try to HEAR my kids... not to make excuses or try to fix them or explain things... but just to hear them.  

Easier said than done.