Who am I? (Therapy Day 9.23.08)

I have always been an "otter" ("sanguine", in the whole personality type world - if you believe in that). My "otterness" (if you will) is an immutable fact. It is one of the things I KNOW in my life. A playful, fun-loving, very social creature, I love people. I enjoy

being popular and influencing and motivating others. I am hurt when people do not like me. I like to surround myself with

friends, but not necessarily deep relationships. I love to goof-off. Otters are notorious for messy rooms. (HELLO?!?) I like to hurry and finish jobs (and these jobs are often not done well). I am like Tigger in Winnie The Pooh.


My Strengths?: People person, open, positive


Weaknesses?: Talk too much, too permissive


Limitation: Remembering past commitments, follow through with discipline!

I have always known I have "lion" (choleric) undertones - secondary characteristics that raise their heads in certain circumstances.

Lions like to lead. The lion is good at making decisions and is very goal-oriented. They enjoy challenges, difficult assignments, and opportunity for advancement. Because lions are thinking of the goal, they can step on people to reach it. Lions can be very aggressive and competitive. Lions must learn not to be too bossy or to take charge in other's affairs.


Strength: Goal-oriented, strong, direct


Weakness: Argumentative, too dictatorial


Limitation: Doesn't understand that directness can hurt others, hard time expressing grace

I LOVE Golden Retrievers (phlegmatic) and always wanted to be one... but no one (including myself) has ever believed I was one.

Good at making friends. Very loyal. Retriever personalities do not like big changes. They look for security. Can be very sensitive. Very caring. Has deep relationships, but usually only a couple of close friends. Wants to be loved by everyone. Looks for appreciation. Works best in a limited situation with a steady work pattern.
Strength: Accommodating, calm, affirming


Weakness: Indecisive, indifferent, unable to express emotions, too soft on other people


Limitation: Seeing the need to be more assertive, holding others accountable

While I appreciate Beavers (melancholy), many of their awesome strengths and character traits and their weaknesses and limitations make me itch.

Organized. Beavers think that there is a right way to do everything and they want to do it exact that way. Beaver personalities desire to solve everything. Desire to take their time and do it right. Beavers do not like sudden changes. They need reassurance.


Strength: High standards, order, respect


Weakness: Unrealistic expectations of self & others, too perfect.
Limitation: Seeing the optimistic side of things, expressing flexibility

(More details about these animal personalities, based on Gary Smalley's writings, can be found on this website.)

Anyhow, I just went in with Mr. M (my alcoholic husband) and had a session with HIS therapist. His therapist is into these personality types. So we briefly discussed them. He was 'educating' me about them. It took a lot of self control to not try to jump in a prove that I am knowledgeable about this topic (I am forever wanting to be seen as educated and knowledgeable... It is easy for me to come off as a bit of a know-it-all... in fact, it is HUGE growth for me to admit I don't know stuff!). I did not tell him that I have spoken to audiences of thousands about this topic. I have led workshops on this topic. I am kind of a bit of an EXPERT on this topic.

Anyhow, I told him I was familiar. I told him I was an otter. He said HE is an otter. But at the end of the session, he told me he didn't think I was an otter. He thought I was GOLDEN RETRIEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This rocked my world!

Really!

Regardless of whether these personality traits are 'real' or not, they do have SOME usefulness and in this arbitrary categorization of human personalities, I have always been seen as an otter. that said, am I an otter?

Have I changed?

People used to always KNOW and SAY I was an otter.

Now, this trained therapist who believes in and values these personality labels and types is saying I am a Golden Retriever!

Did I just act like an otter because it worked? It served the purpose of making people like me and want to be my friend?

Was I never really an otter to begin with?

Am I really a Golden Retriever?

Or am I truly an otter and am becoming more of a 'golden retriever' because I am so hurt and broken?

What about the Lion part? Typically, Lion & otter can be compatible, but Golden retriever and Lion are not.

So, if I am truly a Golden retriever, I cannot be part Lion too (and I feel like there is a lot of lion in me, but I have had to tone this down to be more socially acceptable).

None of this really MEANS anything, it is just more of an interesting observation on how I have changed and how perceptions of me have changed.

I guess that means growth and change.

And this is a good thing.

Right?

Eeyore Here

Last night I said I was choosing to be a Tigger. Today, however, I am pure Eeyore... eating thistles and living in the gloomy place. I am on my pity-pot again.

Just when I had decided to get a divorce and end my alcoholic marriage - and was grieving it, but feeling hopeful (don't get me wrong, in my grandiosity, I was still blaming myself for ruining Mr. M's life), I got an email back from a known Christian author on divorce & remarriage. Here is his email and my rainbow of responses:

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HIS EMAIL

"Thank you for sharing your difficult situation with me. From what you say, you have been suffering for a long time.

As you know, the Bible does not say anything about addiction, and drug use is not listed as a ground for divorce. His addiction has clearly caused him to neglect you in all kinds of ways, but it is difficult to know whether one can call this deliberate or not. However, even if you accept an entirely medical model of alcoholism, and regard your husband as sick and incapable of supporting you, the fact that he has denied the problem and refused treatment for so long makes him at least partly responsible for his addiction and for the neglect which this addiction has caused.

But now that he is finally in treatment, wouldn't it be perverse to divorce him just when he is getting straight?... Either way, you have the space of time during which to put your life back together. During this time you should make a decision, but not one which makes him into a victim.

At the end of treatment, you may assume that he will be clear of alcohol, and so if he then chooses to start using this or any other drug, it will be entirely his own choice. At that point you would be able to clearly say that he was continuing his neglect deliberately. Given the many years you have already suffered this, you may decide that this would be, for you, the point at which your marriage can't go on.

If this is so, you should warn your husband, preferably in writing, that the first time he touches alcohol after his treatment (whether or not he becomes 'drunk') you would leave him with view to divorcing him. Although this sounds very harsh, it may be that this kind of ultimatum may help him resolve to quit completely.

As I say, I have no useful teaching on this from the Bible, and this suggestion comes merely from myself, albeit based on Biblical principles.

God be with you at this difficult time."

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MY RAINBOW OF RESPONSES

A) What are the odds he will really get "straight" this time??? and

B) Perverse? Isn't the definition of "perverse" telling your wife and children that you love them and are going to quite drinking and then drinking again over a 20 year period?

I really like & agree with this point!

However, doesn't every alcoholic ALWAYS feel like the victim, all the time - any time they have to suffer the consequences of their actions? (For example, this last bender, when he spent all Christmas week drunk, it was MY fault, because he was depressed, because I didn't include him in all my family's Christmas festivities, not his choice, because he had driven the children to a public place drunk and high and then PASSED OUT in front of 3,000 people!)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Need I even clarify why I am laughing???)

Might one think that after 20 years of this sh**, I possibly:

1 - have given him every ultimatum in the book?

2 - believe it IS deliberate neglect?

3 - am already at the point where my marriage can't go on?

4 - want to leave him NOW with the view of divorcing him?

No it doesn't.

See "HAHAHAHA" above.

Yet even knowing all this, it threw me into a funk of despair because I just want everyone to applaud and agree and even help. (My tap-dancing, people pleasing again.)

On top of this, my 17 year old - whom I'll call "Drummer" (he marches to the beat of his own drum, that one), came to me last night with tears brimming in his eyes. Although he knows it is time for divorce and although he knows it was dad's choice, he is still heartbroken and he still can't help thinking that I am quitting!!!! He wasn't trying to be mean and he knew he wasn't being logical, but that was how he was feeling.

Gloomily,

Eeyore

T-I-Double Guh -Er

I want to be a "Tigger" not an "Eeyore".

Typically, in my adult life, I've been a Tigger. I mean, I'd say I am pretty bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy, fun, fun, fun, fun, FUN!

But in the last few years as a wife in an alcoholic marriage, I don't even recognize myself.

This marriage and the madness of Mr. M (no... I can't blame him... I am responsible for me... it's not HIS fault that I let him - and his adoration for alcohol - kill my soul) has turned me into an Eeyore.

Eeyore lives in the Southeast corner of Hundred Acre Wood in a spot called "Eeyore's Gloomy Place" and his favorite food is thistles. Yikes! That sounds like me. I live in My Gloomy Place where I like to feast on prickly things like the root of bitterness and self -pity... yummy!

I'm quite sure Eeyore wouldn't even approve of blogging because he once said "This writing business. Pencils and what-not. Over-rated, if you ask me. Silly stuff. Nothing in it."

Some of this is brokenheartitis and some of it is a CHOICE. I have been choosing Eeyore but I prefer to choose Tigger.

While I have heard this illustration before, the BEST place I've heard it is as part of Randy Paush's reprised talk on Oprah (which is 10 minutes, or you can listen to the long 76 minute version you can find on the internet too with a little searching).

TTFN